Can someone please grade my essay ill grade urs???

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>The Question</p>

<p>Are we free to make our own decision in life, or are our decision always limited by the rules of society?</p>

<p>please just don't give it a score give it in depth commentary and tell me what i can do do improve please write a lot</p>

<p>The question states that, </p>

<p>Are we free to make our own decision in life, or are our decision always limited by the rules of society?</p>

<p>The question states that, “Are we free to make our own decision in life, or are our decision always limited by the rules of society?” It seems that nearly everyone has faced this question at one point in their lives to see if their success is based on inherent circumstances or their own hard work. Thus I agree that we as human beings have the capabilities to make our own decisions which need not be influenced by society and its members. This notion has gained much impetous throughout literature and is pravalent throughout history time and time again.</p>

<p>Perhaps the great epitome of the question can be found in the critically acclaimed novel “Catcher In the Rye,” by J.D. Sallinger written in the mid-1900’s. In this book we see Holden Caufield, the protagonist of the novel and how he breaks away from the rules of society and decides to live by his own rules, make his own choices and adhere to his own consequences for a week. As Holden is dismissed from his boarding school Pency he decides to take an early trip to New York to spend some time on his own for three days. As the novel progresses we can see more and more of Holden’s free will to make his own decision. In the end although Holden realizes that the choices he may have made during his brief hiatus from school might not have been the in the best intentions he does however gain something from his experiences of living with freedom.</p>

<p>Another key example can be found in the novel “Alone in my Prison,” by William Tate written in the late 19th century. In the novel we meet a young man named Lennord and how he decides to escape from the suppressive regieme which encapsulates his city to give his family a better and more free life. Thus although Lennord does initially face antagonism he never the less looks it in the eye and fights to escape from this confinement in a Totalitarian society. Towards the end of the novel Lennord does indeed escape and more to a small village which is run by a form of democracy and all the while provided a better future for his family.</p>

<p>If we were to look back at history a great example can be drawn from Napoleon Bonaparte who beside his rough up bringing eventually rises to rule what was at the time one of the worlds most impotent imperial nation; France. Thus although Napoleon doesn’t immediately rise to power when he is born it is his perseverance and hard work which inevitably leads to him being reigned in as France’s supreme ruler.</p>

<p>In the end it has clearly been elucidated that the choices we make in life aren’t limited by the rules of society.</p>

2

<p>10-11/12
This is a very well written essay. You have used great examples (and avoided the personal, which IMO is an excellent choice for this question) and you have avoided plot summary. I would recommend that you expand your Conclusion to more than a sentence. If you felt the need to state "In the end it has clearly been elucidated..." then you probably felt that you didn't get your message across. I believe you could let go the third example (Napoleon) in an effort to save time to write a great conclusion. This "Great conclusion" would probably contain your reflections on the quote. By reflections I mean to include a simple contrast and how your examples specifically (with brevity, of course) convey that if the examples followed the contrasting idea, then they would have led to a debacle.</p>

<p>I will PM you later today, so you can grade my paper. <em>Smile</em></p>

3

<p>I think you should use varied examples and not just ones from literature. Overall, 10, good job</p>

4

<p>8/9- I think the opening paragraph and conclusion need work. Your opening should not start with, "the question states". Try to be creative. S.A.T scorers love metaphors and description. You tend to write "we see" or some variation of that a lot. Try to stay away from this. Your first example was not that great. I did not think it was that specific. You are telling not showing. Even in the second paragraph, expand on the "antagonism". How does Lennord face it? Once again, don't tell me show me. But, you did have nice vocab.</p>

5

<p>thank you for the responses but i have a few questions exactly how do u show instead of telling, how can i learn to show ranter then tell
can someone give me an example</p>

<p>also about my conclusion exactly how do i incorporate antithesis with out messing it up to further improve my essay and strengthen my view.</p>

6

<p>I'll go over an example where you could have showed:
"As the novel progresses we can see more and more of Holden</p>

7

<p>"critically acclaimed" not necessary</p>

<p>Your catcher in the rye paragraph doesn't really have any analysis in it...it sounds like it could be read off the back of the book's cover.</p>

<p>paragraphs 2 and 3 (your body P's) have very similar sentence structures, even down to how you start the sentences. definately change it up and add some variety.</p>

<p>"novel" is overused</p>

<p>"The question states that" delete - the reader knows what the question is</p>

<p>"It seems that nearly everyone has faced this question at one point in their lives to see if their success is based on inherent circumstances or their own hard work" Their is gramatically incorrect</p>

<p>The closing sentence in the first paragraph isn't as strong as it could be.</p>

<p>There are some superfluous words floating in some of your paragraphs...you don't always need to add in extra words. Short and sweet does the job as well.</p>

<p>Your conclusion is pretty much nonexistent, but in my opinion the intro paragraph is more impt.</p>

<p>Overall I'd give it a 9.</p>

8

<p>I read the first paragraph and already I was down in the 8-9 range.</p>

<p>Restating the question tells the reader that you can copy words -- whooptie-doo, so can anyone off the street. What you need is an AAGD (audience attention getting device), or else an entirely individualistic way of starting off the topic. You want to impress the readers, not throw another bland essay in their faces.</p>

<p>And then comes this: "Perhaps the great epitome of the question..." It already screams that you either are consciously loading your essay with words you barely know how to use, or that whenever you come to ways of saying something, you take the most roundabout way of doing so. Also, in that same paragraph, you've only managed to make a very weak case for yourself. There's the sentence, "In this book we see Holden Caufield, the protagonist of the novel and how he breaks away from the rules of society and decides to live by his own rules, make his own choices and adhere to his own consequences for a week." A little wordy, yes, but okay, I can live with that. What happens next, however, is that instead of giving me examples of what types of choices exactly, and telling me brief bits from the book, you say, once again, that "many things happen to prove my point." What things? What point? You need a clincher sentence to tie the example back to your argument.</p>

<p>Makes sense? I hope so.</p>

<p>Same thing for all subsequent body paragraphs. </p>

<p>Next thing that bothered me was, "Thus although Lennord does initially face antagonism..." Are you quite sure you're using the word, "thus," correctly? In my experience, it's always used to prove a point after several examples are outlined -- once again, you've only sketched what you're going to talk about and then concluded it as if you've said what you've wanted to say already. </p>

<p>And then this: "Towards the end of the novel Lennord does indeed escape and more to a small village which is run by a form of democracy and all the while provided a better future for his family."</p>

<p>While it's nice and all to tell us what happens in the book, I have to ask -- is there a point? Does this help you prove your point in any way, form, or fashion?</p>

<p>That's the key to SAT essay-writing. You take one specific point, you have certain reasons as to why you take those points (sentences which act as either the body paragraph introduction or the body paragraph clincher), and you use examples to support those reasons. As a conclusion, you want to tie those reasons together and tell the reader, "Yes, I totally just proved my point right there."</p>

<p>With that said, I'd give your essay an 8, bumped down because of typos and grammatical mistakes.</p>

<p>I'm extremely touchy about essays -- might grade a little bit harder than the SAT readers.</p>

9

<p>Lose some words in each of the following, unless you like hearing people talk about "ATM Machines" and "PIN Numbers":
[ul][<em>]"great epitome" - the use of epitome is questionable, and "great" is implied in its definition.
[</em>]"key example" - if it's not "key" it's not an "example"
[<em>]"clearly been elucidated" - should lose whole sentence, but "clear" is implied in the definition of "elucidated"
[</em>]"inherent circumstances" - what other kind of circumstances are there?
[<em>]"up bringing" - should be upbringing
[</em>]"never the less" - should be one word "nevertheless"
[/ul]
The use of big words is only appropriate if they add meaning and are used appropriately.
You also may want to consider a little more detail on what rules of society each of your examples chose not to follow.</p>

10

<p>I'm going out on a limb here. My guess is that you are either a great swimmer or play a wind instrument in your school orchestra. In case you wonder why I venture this guess, please have someone else read your sentences out loud. The breath control required is amazing! Why, every sentence is at least two lines of type, while some extend to four. I searched in vain, looking for a comma to help me within the four-line sentences. Sadly, I found none.</p>

<p>Ok, ok. So my paragraph above is very silly. I wrote it, however, to give you a feel for something called "sentence variety."</p>

<p>There are many ways to improve sentence variety in an essay. First, go back and simply measure your sentences, so you see what I'm seeing. If you agree, then take the longest ones and study them. Could they be improved by turning them into two sentences? As a reader, my brow is furrowing as I read and try to stay on-board with your thought process to the end, for this sentence:
"In the end although Holden realizes that the choices he may have made during his brief hiatus from school might not have been the in the best intentions he does however gain something from his experiences of living with freedom."
Huff, puff! I'm out of breath. Don't just read this with your eyes, try it out loud. It's hard to get to the end in one breath.
I also have a lot of sympathy for you, because I had to untrain my son from this same habit. He speaks non-stop, so wrote in lonnnnnnng sentences. It took him about a year to undo this pattern, but now I can read his essays without fainting or passing out in need of oxygen.</p>

<p>Aside from sentence length, examine the first paragraph I just wrote in my post. There, for your sake, I was specifically trying to model sentence variety for you. Very short sentences are interspersed with longer ones. Some are declarative, while others are rhetorical questions. Try to mix it up and shake it up. </p>

<p>Above all, try to make your writing sound more like talking. I don't mean "talking" as in.."Dude! I am so not ready for this situation!"</p>

<p>Instead, visualize this person in your life. S/he's the most relaxed, thoughtful, peaceful, reflective person you know. It could be your finest teacher, minister, uncle or car mechanic, but above all, a great listener who takes in new ideas and doesn't interrupt.</p>

<p>Now, write this as though you have just picked up the phone, or dropped over on a living room sofa, or are writing a newsy email. Choose the way that is MOST comfortable for you. Then, just write as though you're trying to explain these new ideas to that great listener. Imagine him nodding, or asking a question where he doesn't quite understand. Assume he hasn't read the books your explaining and has never heard of Napoleon. Now..in your mind, just TALK to him. Teach him the ideas. But since it's just an imaginary game, instead of talking, actually TYPE it as you'd talk it.
If you can do the above, you'll begin to sound like yourself. That's called having a "writer's voice" in your work. I think if you find it, you'll enjoy writing much more, because you'll sound like YOU at the same time you sound intelligent!
If my idea, tried once or twice, helps you and you like the essay that results, then keep my idea. If it's crummy, just forget it. It doesn't work for everyone.</p>

11

<p>p.s., on commas in a sentence:
When a person reads aloud and reaches a comma, s/he gets to pause and take a breath.
That's why a sentence that is too long, without a comma, is impossible for a reader. So, either break it up with commas, or turn it into two sentences without a comma if you can't finish it in a breath.</p>