Can someone read and check/grade my essay please?

<p>I'm an international student and I really need help with this! This is my fist SAT essay ever, so tell me how it is and how I can improve to have a good score. </p>

<p>"Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud and one the stars."</p>

<p>-Frederick Langbridge</p>

<p>Assignment:</p>

<p>Does everyone sees a thing from the same perspective? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>A famous statement of Frederick Langbridge: "Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud and one the stars" makes us think whether everyone see a thing from the same prospective or not. I believe that Langbridge's excerpt is telling us the truth because, otherwise, we wouldn't have seen or known about conflicts, wars or philosophical discussions in the past, since anyone would have had the same ideas and opinions. </p>

<p>Personally, I think that few people can actually see the same object in the same prospective, but that if you put, for example, a class of twenty students in front of an issue, at least three different types of opinion will come out.
For example, last year my class had had a debate about whether take a native English speaker instead of out teacher or not; someone strongly wanted the native one because she was able to speak better, with a real British accent; some others thought she was better, too, because they hated our actual teacher; someone, on the other hand, didn't want her because she always seemed to ask us the same questions or talk about the same topics. We didn't find a solution to the problem at the end and this, in my opinion, means a single thing: anyone has his personal, unique point of view, and you can't make someone think in the same way as you do. </p>

<p>In addition, as previously mentioned, if anyone would have had the same ideas, we hadn't had any war in the past. Conversely our world history lets us know that they were plenty unfortunately. Sometimes it was due conquest of a land, certainly, but far more times different thoughts made them broke out.
Hitler, for example, believed that Jews were an inferior population and, because of this, he began to kill them brutally and in many different manners. Could a Jew have thought of this in the same way as Hitler? Absolutely not; and that is another proof that people cannot see a thing always in the same prospective. </p>

<p>And not to mention philosophical debates again: any philosopher had his own idea about God, for instance, and the dilemma became tougher and tougher during the Christian age. Some of them thought God existed and they were able to demonstrate this excellently, but there was always another philosopher that could argue against their proofs in an as brilliant way. Even nowadays we still cannot say if God exists or not, we can't find a compromise and, in fact, there are numerous different religions out there. </p>

<p>Therefore, for all these reasons, I strongly believe that people have different points of view and cannot always see the same thing in the same prospective, but, luckily, we will be able to find someone who owns our same thoughts or just can make us reflect about our ideas more deeply.</p>

<p>“A famous statement of Frederick Langbridge: “Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud and one the stars” makes us think whether everyone see a thing from the same prospective or not.”…This simply repeats the prompt. It is a waste of time. The readers already know the prompt; give them a stronger first sentence.</p>

<p>"excerpt is telling us the truth "…‘statement is true’. 1. Langbridge was making a statement, not an excerpt. 2. save words</p>

<p>"because, otherwise, we wouldn’t have seen or known about conflicts, wars or philosophical discussions in the past, since anyone would have had the same ideas and opinions. "…1. ‘anyone’ should be ‘everyone’. 2. I think I understand the point you are trying to make…that if everyone thought the same, there would be no conflict…but the way you express it requires the reader to infer your point rather than you expressing it directly (as I believe I did).</p>

<p>At this point I am going to generalize. First, you need to submit your writing to a native English speaker. There are many errors of grammar, diction, idiom and syntax that will count against you on the SAT. I would recommend immersion in English, as a foreign exchange student or perhaps in an internship or working abroad. That would be the fastest way to develop your skills with the practical and finer points of the language.</p>

<p>Also, your essay made several different points, but you don’t seem to recognize their importance. 1. The existence of conflict proves people have differing points of view. 2. The causes of conflict include A. desire for material gain, B. philosophical disagreements, C. aggression and survival, D. conflicting goals, and E. conflicting values. (Go back and find them. They are not in order.) Your essay should emphasize these ideas and use the examples in a secondary role as support.</p>

<p>These are the main areas where you need to concentrate your effort. It will require some time and diligence. One positive thing I can say is that I believe your fundamental intelligence shows through the obstructions I’ve described.</p>

<p>See if you can increase the length of your essays too. It has been proven that there is a high correlation between score and essay length (i.e the longer the better).</p>