So this is the common app transfer essay, which I’m using to apply to 4+ schools for next year. I am just shy of the 250 word minimum and am having trouble adding another ~50+ words. If anyone can offer criticism or tips, it would be very appreciated. Thanks.
Prompt:
Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. You can type directly into the box, or you can paste text from another source. (250-650 words)
Essay:
Since I was a young, advertising was something that continually caught my eye, from magazine adverts to the billboards towering over western Queens as you enter Manhattan via the Long Island Expressway. The entirety of the creative processes behind creating this work has always caught my interest and inspired me to work hard in order to be a part of it. Currently I am attending Nassau Community College, which has offered a fantastic learning experience and I am grateful to have had the opportunity to learn from numerous extremely knowledgable professors- most of which currently work in the field or teach at other local reputable schools. Since NCC is a 2-Year school, I am offered few opportunities due to its limited business and marketing programs and degree offerings, rendering me unable to receive the full extent of opportunities and benefits that can be received from a 4-Year institution. During my education at the University of Massachusetts I aim to become an active member within the student body through participation in business related clubs and building relationships with my Professors and Advisors, in order to capitalize on my experience. I aspire to maximize my potential and education, taking advantage of the relationships made throughout my education in order to find employment within creatively based advertising agencies or media outlets. I’d love to earn the opportunity to expand my knowledge of the business world, while building on my creative abilities throughout my education at the University of Massachusetts.
Read your first sentence carefully.
Is it grammatically incorrect or does it sound awkward? I cant see an issue with it.
“Since I was a young…”
Young what? Or do you mean “Since I was young”?
Nice catch, thank you for that. Even after reading a few times carefully I didn’t pick up on that.
This is a good start, but my biggest issue is that you don’t give nearly enough detail! What made you interested in advertising, what do you find appealing? How have you pursued that interest during your time at college? What more are you planning to do in college? And why business vs. graphic design or something like that?
Ever since I was a young b, advertising has continually caught my eye, from magazine adverts to the billboards I saw towering over western Queens as I entered Manhattan via the Long Island Expressway. The entirety of the creative process behind creating these works of art has always caught my interest and inspired me to work hard in order to be a part of it b.
Currently**,** I am attending Nassau Community College, which has offered a fantastic learning experience**. I** am grateful to have had the opportunity to learn from numerous extremely knowledgeable professors**, **most of whom currently work in the field (What field? or teach at other local reputable schools. (Describe the courses you’ve taken, what you’ve done outside of school, what interests and skills you have developed that you want to bring with you to a four-year college?
Since NCC is a 2-Year school, I am offered few opportunities b** due to its limited business and marketing programs and degree offerings, rendering me unable to receive the full extent of opportunities and benefits that can be received from a 4-Year institution. During my education at the University of Massachusetts**,** I aim to become an active member within the student body through participation in business-related clubs b** and building relationships with my professors and advisors in order to capitalize on my experience (How is forming relationships with these people going to capitalize on your experience?. I aspire to maximize my potential and education b, taking advantage of the relationships made throughout my education in order to find employment within creatively based advertising agencies or media outlets b. I’d love to earn the opportunity to expand my knowledge of the business world, while building on my creative abilities throughout my education at the University of Massachusetts.
You really should have PMd this to a reader instead of posting it as a discussion for everyone to see - I’m worried for you about plagiarism 
I dunno, is anybody really going to be looking for an essay based on a love of advertising aimed at transferring to the University of Massachusetts?
Probably best to be careful though, you’re right.