<p>Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>
<p>Many young people that are born and raised in the United States have a difficult time grasping and appreciating the opportunities that they have at hand. I, having been born in an outside country and later brought to this country, have had to face multiple obstacles that have shaped who I am today. My hopes and dreams for the future are significant ones, but reaching such heights will not be easy. Not only have I had to deal with everyday problems that my fellow classmates are also struggling through, but I have had to find the determination to not feel disillusioned because of the hardships my immigration status has brought to me.
When I was of younger age, I never considered myself any different from the people I would call classmates. I understood that I came from a different country, but had yet to understand what that meant, opportunity wise. I consistently aimed to work hard in order to make my parents and myself proud, while creating big dreams of becoming someone successful in the future. I grew into the habit of working hard to complete all the work that was given to me because I knew that good things came with hard work. The future looked bright in my head, as long as I continued to dream big and work to my fullest potential.
It was not until my high school years that I realized what it truly meant to be an immigrant student. During my first 2 years of high school, I was often looked down on by some my classmates because, according to them, I did not possess the right to be in this country and take advantage of all the benefits that come with being a United States citizen. For the first time in my life, my eyes were exposed to a completely different light, one much darker and terrorizing than the one I had created prior to such events. At the time, I saw things in a different perspective. I visualized myself failing due to the various barriers that I was suppose to overcome, and got discouraged seeing that the people around me did not realize how much easier they had it. My emotions, at the time, were full with envy, but after a short while of self-loathing, I realized that no ounce of pity was going to help me.
I took my situation and turned it into a source of motivation. I recognized that this was only the beginning of long journey full of challenging obstacles that I had to overcome. I challenged myself to become and even better person, and to seek even greater opportunities that others would seize to take advantage of. My future began to lighten up again when programs such as the new California AB 540 law and the DREAM Act came into action. Many doors that I never thought would be reachable opened up to me. For once I felt that immigration status was no longer a barrier that could forbid me from reaching out towards my dreams. This experience has shaped my mindset and transformed me as a person. I understand now that your birthplace does not define who you are, but rather that it is the choices you make and actions you take that determine what you can accomplish.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, I think this essay is more suitable for Prompt 1. You’re not really discussing a single event, which is what the UCs are looking for Prompt 2. </p>
<p>There are quite a lot of grammatical errors and redundancy. You seem to be repeating yourself quite often. I suggest you proof-read this essay and try to focus on a single event, rather than to tell your whole life in 500 words.</p>
<p>I don’t mean to be harsh… but I don’t think this essay says very much about you. For one, you never specify what country you come from, even if it is one commonly used, mentioning it at least identifies something about you (even if they already have it on another part on your application.)</p>
<p>“I consistently aimed to work hard in order to make my parents and myself proud, while creating big dreams of becoming someone successful in the future. I grew into the habit of working hard to complete all the work that was given to me because I knew that good things came with hard work. The future looked bright in my head, as long as I continued to dream big and work to my fullest potential.”
Sorry, but this is basically “I work hard and know good things were coming” written more eloquently. What taught you hard work gives good results? What kinds of work did you do and how did that fuel you to work hard? You need less general, more specific statements. In short, provide examples about your work.</p>
<p>" I visualized myself failing due to the various barriers that I was suppose to overcome, and got discouraged seeing that the people around me did not realize how much easier they had it. My emotions, at the time, were full with envy, but after a short while of self-loathing, I realized that no ounce of pity was going to help me."
It’s good that you realized that, but there will be lots of other personal statements saying this too. What makes you different?</p>
<p>Additionally, your reader may not know what the California DREAM Act or AB 540 is, so define them. You also say that these programs have helped you, but in what way? You say " Many doors that I never thought would be reachable opened up to me." What kinds of doors opened for you, and why do these doors opening up matter so much?</p>
<p>In short, add more specifics about yourself and make less generalizations. Good luck with your apps!</p>
<p>I agree with xxstarstruck. I had the same problem where my essay wasn’t about me. Talk about your aspirations being a part of who you have grown to be. Hope that helps. Goodluck!!</p>
<p>Your essay is very vague and touches on too many points that all sound similar. I would suggest making an outline of what you want to say, this seems very rough and just needs a more focused view of what truly makes you different from every other person that came from a different country.</p>
<h2>One very important tip, you’ve got only 500 words, don’t try spill it all out. Focus on an event. Write about accomplishment, experience or contribution and explain the thing about that experience, contribution or accomplishment that makes you proud.</h2>
<p>In your case, you chose to explain an experience, which is not bad at all, but you started the essay with your immigration. Each word is precious, and you wasted the first few lines saying ‘how americans have it easy’. You could have began like… “When i entered high school, things weren’t as bad as i thought they would be, they were worse!” and after that you can explain your feelings of envy and how you still feel proud that you overcame them.</p>
<p>Okay so I ended up editing this and turning into the 1st UC Prompt. I’m not sure if I can include much more because I’ve almost reached the 1000 word limit with both of my prompts combined.
-Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>
<p>My life began in a small town in the rural areas of Mexico. In such areas, it is difficult for individuals to succeed because many are faced with issues that will limit their education. My parents bravely dropped everything they had worked for and moved to the United States realizing that they did not want a future full of struggles for me. My father dreamed of being a doctor, and had even begun studying to become one before I was born. My mother aspired to be a nurse, but due to a teenage pregnancy, she too had to give up her dreams in order to bring me into this world. Their sacrifices have long since motivated me to seek a better future, not only for myself, but for my family as well.
When I was of younger age, I never considered myself any different from the people I would call classmates. I understood that I came from a different country, but had yet to understand the barriers I would have to someday face. I did know that I did not want my parents’ sacrifices to be in vain, so I grew into the habit of working hard to complete all the work that was given to me because I knew that good things came with hard work. I found schoolwork to be fairly simple, while my fellow classmates appeared to struggle to get by, and was therefore constantly classified as a top student. The future looked bright in my head, as long as I continued to dream big and work to my fullest potential.
It was not until my high school years that I realized what it truly meant to be an immigrant student. During my first two years of high school, I was often looked down upon by some my classmates because, according to them, I did not possess the right to be in this country and take advantage of all the benefits that come with being a United States citizen. I always considered myself an equal, so I was struck with shock when I realized that I did not have the same opportunities as the students that surrounded me. My list of colleges was now minimized because many colleges would ask me to pay more than double since I was not a citizen. I would not be able to easily obtain a California license or identification. I would live with the fear of being forced out of this country at any second or of never being reunited with my family in Mexico. For the first time in my life, my eyes were exposed to a completely different light, one much darker and terrorizing than the one I had created in my mind. At the time, I saw things in a different perspective. I visualized myself failing due to the various barriers that I was supposed to overcome and got discouraged seeing that the people around me did not realize how much easier they had it. My emotions, at the time, were full with envy, but after a short while of self-loathing, I realized that no ounce of pity was going to help me.
I took my situation and turned it into a source of motivation, recognizing that this was only the beginning of long journey full of challenging obstacles that I would have to overcome. I challenged myself to become an even better person that would eventually prove all the skeptical people wrong. My future began to lighten up again when programs such as the new California AB 540 law and the DREAM Act came into action. No longer would I live with the fear of being deported or having to pay out-of-state tuition. I now had the chance to also obtain a California I.D. along with a driver’s license. Many doors that I never thought would be reachable opened up to me. For once I felt that immigration status was no longer a barrier that would forbid me from reaching out towards my dreams.
This experience has shaped my mindset and transformed me as a person. I understand now that your birthplace does not define who you are, but rather that it is the choices you make and actions you take that determine what you can accomplish. I now dream bigger than ever and I am prepared to do all that it takes to do my parents proud and fulfill my goal of being the first to attend and complete college.</p>
<p>Nice, it’s definitely better than it was before ;)</p>
<ul>
<li>Your theme in overcoming your fears is much clearer and visible.</li>
<li>Better sense of who you are and you have gotten more specific.</li>
</ul>
<p>-Unfortunately, I don’t you’re still quite specific enough :c You need to focus on the why and the how. Most of the content about yourself besides the background information is basically saying “I was scared of this…” and then “I realized this.” You need to go further and expand on this with more personal details. Remember that many other people have realized the same things as you have, therefore you need to do your best to separate yourself from the crowd.
"I took my situation and turned it into a source of motivation, recognizing that this was only the beginning of long journey full of challenging obstacles that I would have to overcome. I challenged myself to become an even better person that would eventually prove all the skeptical people wrong. "
These two sentences are basically saying "I used my fears to turn myself into a better person. Instead of repeating yourself, your second sentence should explain more about you. What did you do to motivate yourself? Why does this motivation matter so much to you? Provide specific examples. Your actions speak louder than words, and your writing should reflect that.</p>
<p>-I also think you can cut out some of the negative feelings you experienced and elaborate more on how you improve. It’ll help out your word count and make the ending stronger- right now, it just feels tacked on because more of the essay is about your negative feelings than your positive ones.</p>
<ul>
<li>“In such areas, it is difficult for individuals to succeed because many are faced with issues that will limit their education. My parents bravely dropped everything they had worked for and moved to the United States realizing that they did not want a future full of struggles for me. My father dreamed of being a doctor, and had even begun studying to become one before I was born. My mother aspired to be a nurse, but due to a teenage pregnancy, she too had to give up her dreams in order to bring me into this world”
I’m sure the admissions people know living in Mexico is difficult, they’re going to read the same thing from everyone else along with the same statement replaced with China/India or the like. Instead of wasting the word count on your parents, talk about how life in Mexico influenced you personally.</li>
</ul>
<p>I realize now that your birthplace doesn’t define who you are, but rather that it is the actions you take that determine what you can accomplish". This line was completely taken from what mewtwo said in Pokemon in one of the earlier movies. Although its paraphrased a little differently, nice job.</p>