can u please checkmy personal statement

College Essays
1

<p>this is my p.s for a university
can u please check if i have any grammatical/ wording errors
how can i make it sound more formal ?</p>

<p>To begin with, I would like to emphasize the fact that since I was a child, I had this strong curiosity to know how everything works around me and once I knew the answers to my questions, I felt really delighted and motivated for the next things to discover.
This curiosity has noticeably soared as I was growing up and it had a positive impact on my academic performance!
ICT was amongst those subjects that I have really enjoyed at preparatory school, so I chose it at high school too.
When I studied ICT, I have realized how technology is involved in each and every field in our life. How it has cured some people from serious diseases by being involved in medicine, communications and many other areas, it has embodied our future and changed the world swiftly.
Consequently, I chose computer science as a major because I am certain that it really reflects my personality; I want to be a noticeable person who does something brilliant and beneficial to the world, because the human<code>s self-esteem depends on how hard he/she works to aid others! Therefore computer science is the key for opening up these doors, which lead me to my destinations.
As well as computing, I really enjoy and adore sciences, particularly chemistry; accordingly I was looking for a course which amalgamates computing and sciences. I was really astonished when I knew that computer science integrates the fundamental sciences and social sciences.
Honestly, I only realized this when I attended the "CS4 Qatar" workshop! Via this benignant and subservient experience, I have learnt how computer science makes theory into practice, for instance: how some codes through a certain software can control the conductance of the robot, yet how it develops our problem-solving skills, which I personally think is not only essential in my studies, but also in my life!
As fingers are not identical, people</code>s desires and personalities are not identical, some people tend to study subjects which are based on memorization, conversely, others are more likely into logical and challenging subjects. I really enjoy subjects which are based on logical thinking, as it brings me the sense of fulfillment and achievement once I have worked out the complex problems correctly thus helping in boosting up my confidence with each correct solution. Subsequently, I chose computer science as it involves all these skills.
Since I was 9 years old, I found playing online puzzle games really enjoyable, but I was always wondering and thinking deeply "how can I create my own games, my own characters and storylines?"
I did not find any answer to this question until I have attended "CS4 Qatar" workshop; Computer scientists make soft wares and games through programming! I am thinking of making an educational yet pleasurable game for children, as these educational games play an important role in maintaining children`s motivation towards learning .
As I have mentioned previously, I want to do something beneficial to the community, and computer science has different fields in which I can reach my aims in different ways!
Finally, computer science is a growing field and this has a direct correlation on getting varieties of jobs easily, without really digging through everywhere and facing the dilemma of unemployment due to majors that have limited ranges of jobs, which is a considerable reason for choosing computer science over other majors.</p>

2

<p>Okay, this is going to be my honest feedback, so please don’t take offense, I’m just trying to help you!</p>

<p>I think something that would help would be to get a recorder (maybe a cellphone, or something on your computer) and then sit down and record yourself telling someone else the story of why you’re into computer science. Don’t imagine that you’re talking to an admissions officer, imagine that you’re talking to your parents or a teacher. They’re interested in the story, not the formality and the vocabulary.</p>

<p>You asked what you can do to make it more formal. I think you need to make it LESS formal. The words you use are clearly from a thesaurus because your seemingly weaker writing style and strong vocabulary don’t match. This essay needs to show who YOU are, not who your thesaurus is.</p>

<p>The way you start the essay “To begin with, I would like to point out etc etc” is a weak opener. We know you’re pointing out things, you wrote this essay, didn’t you?</p>

<p>It also lacks organization. Maybe take a piece of paper and draw a timeline of your interest in computer science. The essay should flow in chronological order to make it flow better (ie. Talk about the games you played when you were 9, then about the workshop).</p>

<p>Also, don’t talk about your academic record. The schools will get your transcript, and they can see it without your help - so focus on the workshop and your interest in computer science.</p>

<p>I think you need to start over. Tell someone your story, write it down in your own words (avoid the thesaurus please please please), and let your personality shine through. Colleges don’t want you to brag. They want to know who you really are.</p>