Can we brainstorm some on dorm partying control?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Lbr6's tale brings me to post on an issue I have been wondering about since S1 just completed first term freshman year. </p>

<p>These kids go off to school and the party situation in the dorms is remarkably enticing. I'm sure this is not true for all kids, but I'm sure it is true for most of them. This was an acknowledged part of Lbr6's son's problems, and it is a major challenge, perhaps the major challenge, that I see amongst the post-first term youngsters I have talked with (or whose parents I have talked with). </p>

<p>Where the kids have struggled to pass classes, the exhaustion and escape created by the party scene are essential elements in the struggle. The work itself is extremely tough compared to high school, and when you're in a coma (Curmudgeon, that's a great way to put it! I'm so glad you recoverd =) it's tough to rise to the academic challenge.</p>

<p>Here is my question for you wise CC'ers: do you have some ideas, recommendations, etc. for discussion, about how colleges can reel in some of the wilding under way in the dorms? Here we are in the realm of FERPA and thou-shalt-not-helicopter and the main dorm discipline comes from some Sophomore or Junior living on your d/s's hall. Sometimes it feels to me like the realm of the ridiculous.</p>

<p>There was a post recently about U.Maine sending under cover cops in to try to control dorm drinking. That's one idea, I guess. I don't love it - it seems like there is lots that could be done before inviting undercover police into your dorm.</p>

<p>Here are some of my possibilities:</p>

<p>1) Recognize that first term freshmen will require more oversight than sink or swim. If a student is continually missing class, the dorm staff should be alerted and asked to meet regularly with the student. If the student is too exhausted to get to classes, the dorm staff should be watching for illness, partying issues, roommate problems, in short, life problems. The dorm staff should be watching closely and meeting regularly with any student who is missing classes. </p>

<p>2) Have professional dorm staff on duty all night long in every dorm. If an RA can not bring a floor under control, or chooses not to (common from what I've heard amongst my friends with kids in college), the dorm staffperson should have the responsibility to do so before it leads to a student's excessively missing class and academic failure or a police issue.</p>

<p>3) Have activities in the dorms every night from 10 'till 12 (movies, meetings, themed get togethers) for far longer than the first week of school. These kids are in major, major transition, and many who were calm and shy in HS "blossom socially" (a.k.a. party hearty) when loosed in the dorms (ahhh those coed dorms). A kid who transitions (a.k.a. party's hearty) for the first six weeks of college can have a giant hole to climb out of. I think some of these kids get on the substance/drinking boat to self medicate through a truly difficult social transition. I think the way we have dorms set up now (coed and no lights out / doors shut policy) adds to the difficulty of that social transition. I think more could be done to control the transition period with in-dorm activities, and enforced lights out policies.</p>

<p>4) Requirements to be in your room by x o'clock. Will sound extreme, I guess, but it's only been one generation since this was required. And now we have campuses with all kinds of party problems.</p>

<p>Those are some of my suggestions. </p>

<p>I suppose this will all sound extreme to some folks since such controls have been out of favor for the past, ohhh, 30 years, but I must say I'm not a big fan of the current sink or swim system. </p>

<p>I guess I am asking for some ideas about how to bring back some of the old fashioned dorm parent type activity. I'm just old enough to recall that right before I went to school in the mid-70's, the fashion was signing in and out of dorms, limited visitors, same sex dorms, full time overnight dorm staff, etc. Society has tried an experiment over the last few decades and I think some review and adjustment might be in order. Do you?</p>

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<p>
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4) Requirements to be in your room by x o'clock. Will sound extreme, I guess, but it's only been one generation since this was required. And now we have campuses with all kinds of party problems.

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<p>And when that freshman desperately needs to ask someone for help on the physics problem set that he hasn't managed to finish yet? My brother went to a Catholic college with a policy against being in other gender rooms after a certain time and I know I could never deal with that policy. At exam time when everyone has a full outlook and you're trying to schedule a meeting to work on a project I wouldn't want to be told I couldn't have a meeting in a dorm room must because kids of both genders would be present and it was late at night.</p>

3

<p>The supervision you are looking for is called PG.......post grad year at a Boarding School High School. You are shopping in the wrong store.</p>

4

<p>I went to college in the days of curfews, no men on the flioor ever, and graduate student RAs on each floor. We even had a sweet elderly woman house mother (in a university-owned dorm at a large state university!). And there were still students who drank too much, stayed out too late, had trouble getting to class, and/or did not get the work done. </p>

<p>Both my childern experienced the tremendous freedom of freshman year in dorms with juniors serving as RAs, albeit at small schools where the chain of supervision is not enormously long and where students in trouble may be noticed and helped by faculty or other studfents. Although I understand your concern and I strongly disapprove of the kind of partying you describe, I think the safety net items you suggest simply prolong the growing up process and are ultimately not constructive. Most students do not lose their equilibrium, or at least not to the point of failure or personal disaster. I suspect that msot students in a setting that is a long-term good fit for them get used to the new responsibilities and new freedoms pretty quickly; providing what seems (even to my often overanxious maternal mind) a somewhat overprotective and smothering level of oversight for first-year students will not make that maturing process happen any faster.</p>

5

<p>"Do you?"</p>

<p>Not in the ways you suggest. I say this with the utmost respect, but I think that the controls you suggest are better suited to young teenagers than young adults. I'm all for having a support system in place, but I would be shocked and offended if I were required to be in my room at a certain hour or if I were required to meet regularly with staff. It's great to organize activities for kids who would like to attend them, but many (most?) college students would prefer to make their own plans- and certainly would be unwilling to confine their fun to the hours of 10-12. </p>

<p>I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but college students (even freshmen) are legal adults, and ought to be learning to handle themselves in the real world. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink- and you can provide alternate activities for college kids, but you can't make them participate. I understand that you don't want college to be sink or swim, but I also think it's inappropriate to strap 18 year olds into figurative lifejackets when they're a mere 4 years from being entirely independent.</p>

6

<p>You can't implement a huge in-dorm crackdown without also imposing a curfew, and few 21st century students are going to sign on for that. If you crack down in the dorms without implementing a curfew, the very behavior that you're trying to stop simply migrates into the surrounding city, not only causing more problems with town-gown relations, but also creating new opportunities for trouble for the very kids you're trying to protect. I wonder when we're going to get it in our heads that the more you try to stop teenagers from doing something, the more attractive it becomes?</p>

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<p>I'm not sure if Bob Jone University could meet your requirements........I am not sure you are for real. It is fine that you want this but I don't know too many students who would apply to such a school. Good luck because with so many schools out there you just may find what you require.</p>

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<p>So is the answer undercover cops in the dorms to control partying?</p>

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<p>You are making me laugh now. Undercover for what? You need to go back to school with your kid and live in the same dorm and then you will have total control for both of you..........it should be tons of fun.</p>

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<p>No - I'm referring to U.Maine approach to control partying. I guess if people think drugs and drinking is not a problem at schools then there's nothing to talk about. It's just that it seems to me, from talking to kids and parents after first term, that many of the problems adjusting related to that. And I will add that almost every parent I know has referred to this as a problem.</p>

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<p>What school does your son go to, firsttimemom? I go to UVA, and it's nothing like that. The situation you're describing sounds like what I hear about at schools mike michigan state, virginia tech, etc.</p>

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<p>I don't think anyone's saying it isn't a problem. The argument is that it's a problem that your kids need to learn to deal with, and that you need to let them.</p>

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<p>Drug and alcohol parties are also a widespread "problem" in high school. Recent studies show, though, that many parents are breathtakingly ignorant of this fact, including some of the parents of the kids doing the partying. Since partying is the culture and it's not something that is going to change overnight, the time to address it is before they leave for college, not after.</p>

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<p>firsttimemom - Yes, in my fantasies colleges would all go back in time, but even though I think some things have gotten ridiculous (co-ed bathrooms, for example), in the end this is the way thing are today, and that's not changing any time soon. In view of that, it's important that you raise a child to be well grounded, and to hopefully make the right decisions. Most kids do survive. Does the current set-up benefit everyone? Probably not. Looking back, college is an artificial social environment, and not continued as a lifestyle for most people. So, part of me (more than I want to admit) gets what you are saying. Society has set up the college years as a time to be independent from your parents, with all that entails. That's not such a bad thing, when you think about it. And whatever you do, don't read I am Charlotte Simmons, by Tom Wolfe! It is unfortunately my book club's selection this month, and the parents of seniors in our group are wondering if homeschooling for college is an option!!!! Good luck.</p>

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<p>Where is Jamimom when we need her? Do your recall her term, about how college is like a "Disney half way house"? The ideas you are suggesting are appropriate more for high school. Yes, college is letting your kids "loose" and is scary for parents in that way....no supervision, yikes. But it is a halfway step to being totally independent as an adult. They are going to school, not yet responsible for their entire wellbeing or supporting themselves (most aren't) and so they are in this intermediary period and we can't make it just like high school and living at home with curfews and supervision. However, colleges do have policies and often they are enforced to some degree so that certain "excesses" are hard to maintain because either the kids are caught (drugs, etc.) or failing academically, and so forth.....policies and procedures are in effect for those things and often there is intervention at some point. There are support personnel in all these areas. Sometimes a kid must seek out the support and sometimes the support kinda comes to them if they break some policy (housing, substances, etc.) or through academic advising, and so forth. While in K-12, as parents, we got involved. In college, the kids must deal with these things. Parents should stay in touch and be aware of what is going on and try to support or guide their kids from afar but the kid still has to deal with it more independently than when in K-12. If we don't do that in college, then what is the halfway point to adulthood...I mean post college, they are on their own....so this in between step is needed. College is that time. It is not like high school. </p>

<p>Colleges do have policies and some schools may be more vigiliant than others about intervention. There surely should be staff that deal with campus life, counseling, residential support, academic advising and so on. It is not totally sink or swim. A student must seek out support people if needed. Sometimes, again, they come to the student when intervention academically or residentially is called for.....incident reports, or academic failure, etc. I think there are things in place but I don't think the level of supervision needs to be any stronger. </p>

<p>Not all kids are going to go totally wild because they are on their own. Sure, most will experiment with the new found freedom. Also, if a kid is going totally wild and not making the most of college....be it partying too much, cutting classes, not doing too well in courses, etc......then the parents' role is not abdicated...you can set a certain standard if you are going to pay for this....if your kid is wasting time at college, then it is your choice whether to foot the bill...another thing to think about. But if a kid is doing all right in classes, progressing with academic plans, enjoying him/herself, not getting into trouble at the school....then the rest of the stuff is part of the college years.....be it sexual experimentation, expermenting with freedoms, late nights, trying alcohol, etc. If your kid is smashed all the time and floundering...either he/she is going to get sick, fail, be in trouble at the school, or you also can pull the plug. Otherwise, I think you need to deal with what college is about....and it is no longer a real supervised kind of living....it IS like a halfway house. There are support personnel in place but the kids are not supervised like they were in high school by mom and dad. </p>

<p>Susan</p>

16

<p>No disrespect, but come on now...these may be our "kids" but they are also young adults, are they not? Partying happens. They're no longer our decisions, but the student's and choices can be made that either good or bad or any number of shades inbetween. Now if a kid comes home with a 1.5 GPA and the parents are footing the bill, that's a whole 'nother story.</p>

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<p>In that case, UNCmom, the kid should be on his own. When my dad graduated from HS, he moved out of the house and got a job until he could go to college.</p>

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<p>The only think I agree with is #1 -- RAs (or at least the ones at my school) are worthless and have zero sensitivity. Reporting a depressed student to the dean without talking to the student first on the word of the roomate who you're friends with who is trying to move out? Come on. </p>

<p>RAs should be familar with the kids on their floor, not just act on hearsay.</p>

19

<p>"...the time to address it is before they leave for college, not after."</p>

<p>I agree. Kids who take risks in high school when parents are close by to help in the debrief and the consequences of their mistakes are smaller will be better prepared when they are on their own. When I was growing up, it was always the virgin who got pregnant (the "fast" girls used birth control). Our high school seems to have lots of drugs, drinking, fights, sex and STDs. And we live in one of those nice suburban areas. It seems to me that kids have to figure how much "partying" they intend to do around 8th or 9th grade. I think the biggest adjustment will be getting enough sleep since most kids in our high school do have a curfew and therefore don't have to make the "should I keep on having fun until breakfast or should I try to get some sleep" decision on a nightly basis. I loved I Am Charlotte Simmons, although my mother (mid-80's) hated the book.</p>

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<p>I am only a junior in high school, and even though I don't like to drink and party, I think that I should at least have that option in college. It is a time for growth or change, and it is up to each students' parents to raise them to know what is right and what is wrong. We need to be able to make our own decisions, and implementing such strict rules would simply baby us through college when we should be learning to become independent. Parents should know what happens in college, and realize that they just have to try their best to teach their children good morals in high school.</p>