Can you grade my essay?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hey, my writing skills aren't so good, so I need critique on how to improve them.</p>

<p>"Justice is nothing more than the interest of the stronger."</p>

<p>Assignment: Is it true that the strong do as they wish?</p>

<p>One of the strongest and most feared empire in the world in history is the Third Reich. The empire was under the command of Nazi Germany’s ruler, Adolf Hitler who quickly build up the German military into a force that the Allies had a hard time with as well using intimidation tactics to get what Hitler and the Nazi’s wanted.</p>

<p>Hitler made Germany a threat to other nations and the Allies was forced to appease to Hitler because the Allies didn’t want another war. This resulted in the leaders of France and Great Britain meeting with Hitler trying to discuss on German demand to owing the Sunderland. The Allies knew that if they were to refuse and try to stop the Germans from taking over the Sunderland, Hitler would send its built up army to invade and take over other nation in Europe, including them. Due to Allied fear of the Germans invasion and another war, they appeased to Hitler and gave the Sunderland to Germany.</p>

<p>Hitler’s dreams were to create living space for the Germans and avenge them from the Treaty of Versailles. Germany used its strong built-up military to invade Poland and France with complete success, without too much opposition. Due to Germany’s superior military tactics, careful planning, and a large country filled with motivated soldiers. The German army was able to show its strength by taking over most of Europe and with its alliance with Japan, they had the power to take over the world.</p>

<p>The Third Reich was extremely powerful and was able to overthrow most of Europe/ The Nazis were able to run over the rights of others and force other nations to appease to German demands. If it wasn't for the determined Allied powers, we would all be speaking German today.</p>

2

<p>Bump, can someone please grade my essay? I really want to improve and need critique on my writing.</p>

3

<p>Hitler invaded Sudetenland- Sunderland is part of Scotland. </p>

<p>The format of the SAT essay should be:</p>

<p>Opening: take a clear position on the prompt and state your thesis about why your position is correct. State that you will demonstrate your thesis with examples from history and literature. </p>

<p>ex1: academic example to reenforce your thesis</p>

<p>ex2: academic example to reenforce your thesis</p>

<p>ex3: (unless you are short on time) academic example that either reenforces a different aspect of your thesis OR demonstrates a counterexample to the opposite of your thesis.</p>

<p>Conclusion: Review how your thesis has been reenforced by your examples.</p>

<hr>

<p>In this essay you dont take a clear position on the prompt and I am not sure what your thesis is. There is no clear Opening and Conclusion. Everything seems to be one example. </p>

<p>Watch for grammatical errors like this fragment:
“Due to Germany’s superior military tactics, careful planning, and a large country filled with motivated soldiers.”</p>

4

<p>Thanks Argbargy, I didn’t even noticed I didn’t write a thesis. I will work on that.</p>

<p>How is this essay. Honestly by the time I finished writing it, I think I could have made my essay stronger by just having the essay focus on one example. What do you think?</p>

<p>Assignment: Do you agree with the idea that people can exercise their control over their fear, or does fear control people?</p>

<p>Throughout my entire life, I have learned how to control my frat against things that had freked me out in the past. One example was my childhood fear of spiders and another is more recent, trying to defend myself in the sport of fencing. It is important that one face and tackle these problems and fears in order to resolve them. </p>

<pre><code>When I was around 5 years old, spiders freaked me out, whether they were near or far away from me. I eventually realized that my paralyzing fear was getting out of hand and thing needed to be done in order to stop it. I did my best to expose myself to spiders by going near them, observing them at spider webs, or looking at creepy images of them on the internet and force myself to watch them. I even looked up random interesting facts about them that fascinated me. Soon, I become person who always paralyzed in fear in the sight of spiders to one that appreciates and even come close to watch them as a hobby. I no longer felt the need to run away.

As a fencer of the high school fencing team, my objective is to use my blade to touch the other opponent before they touch me. Therefore, it is important to learn to be offensive and touch the opponent as well as defensive and prevent the opponent from touching you. I am decent on offense, but going into defense is my biggest fear in the sport. I am always scared of the opponent’s blade touching me and sometimes do not even attempt to block my opponent’s attack since I was paralyzed with fear. As a dedicated fencer, I did everything I could to resolve this. I had a partner charge at me with a blade and attacking me while I learn how to react by blocking and counterattacking. I was scared at first, but I got over it and began to block the blade. After a lot of struggling, I got over my fear of defense and was able to reinforce my fencing skills.

One can truly control their fear by exercising it and confronting it. If the person has enough exposure, they will be able to learn how to handle it. I managed to do it with spiders and defensive fencing. Fear is nothing to be afraid of.
</code></pre>

5

<p>Bump, I really want to improve my writing. Can someone help me?</p>

6

<p>Bump, can someone grade my second essay? ^^’</p>

7

<p>You are not even following the advice Argybargy gave you:</p>

<p>“state your thesis about why your position is correct.”</p>

<p>Furthermore, in your introduction you are not addressing the question. The prompt is asking if you agree with “the idea that people can exercise” ; not “should” exercise control over fear. Your position: "It is important that one face and tackle these problems and fears in order to resolve them. " is off topic.</p>

<p>You get a 5 out of 12 because you recovered a bit with " I did everything I could to resolve this. I had a partner charge at me with a blade and attacking me while I learn how to react by blocking and counterattacking" </p>

<p>You will be a great coach!</p>

8

<p>I was going to throw my hat in the ring, but JB nailed it. Your thesis doesn’t answer the question. The prompt asks you to take an either/or stance: Either fear controls people, or people control fear. Your answer is oblique, at best; you argue that it’s <em>important</em> that we control fear.</p>

<p>My advice: The safest thing to do in the thesis is to borrow from the language of the prompt. I would have phrased my thesis simply, “I believe people can exercise control over their fears.”</p>

<p>Typically, my students object to this because their English teachers tell them that a thesis should be original and involved. I think unqualified prescriptivism should get English teachers fired, but that’s another story. The SAT essay is a 25 minute essay where you don’t have time to tackle a very nuanced, philosophical argument. Instead, your best bet is to keep it simple.</p>

<p>Now, let’s talk about your body paragraphs (oop, there goes my hat).</p>

<p>You use two personal examples. There’s no rule against doing this, but it can hurt you in several ways. a.) personal examples often sound tinny and lead to underdevelopment. b.) diversity of examples <em>is</em> something the grades value, so having two personal examples in a row can hurt.</p>

<p>Finally, you make a lot of minor grammatical mistakes and word usage. I actually think the development of your examples is above par, but the writing needs serious work. To be candid, your word economy blows. You have to write more concisely. Let me rewrite your second paragraph to illustrate what I mean:</p>

<p>

.</p>

<p>Your original:</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Notice that my version is substantially shorter. I fixed grammatical and word usage issues (lots of both of these, however!), but the main difference is that the language is more concise. Get rid of redundancy and always err on the side of using fewer words.</p>

<p>P.S. You don’t want to be “offensive”. You want to be “on the offense”.</p>