Can you read my short story?

<p>read short story and.. give some feedback! Thanks! Still need a lot of work i know.</p>

<p>okay:
one character needs to work at a health club
needs to be at tupelo mississpii
2 traits in the story - angry and bold
2 actions - eats a snake, plants a garden
one character must be a dentist.</p>

<p>thanks!</p>

<p>“IDIOT!” Hollered the fitness trainer. Another man lay lifeless on the ground next to a treadmill going at the speed of light. This was the third time it had happened in the last week! Bad luck was sweeping the town of Tupelo, Misissippi which had a population of only 1000 people.. However, these incidents had only begun when a strange man known as Brentoleon Dynamite had moved into this town and joined Gordon’s Fitness Center as a trainer. Brentoleon was a legend in the world. Most refered to him as the, “Spawn of Satan” for his excruciating workout lessons. Nobody wanted Brentoleon in their town, but no one had the courage to drive him away. In such a small town such as Tupelo, Brentoleon thought no one knew what caused this hatred, why he often complained about his life betraying him and why he never talked to anyone but his pet hamster who had died away seven years ago. But he thought wrong. </p>

<pre><code>It was a stormy night in Tupelo, and everyone knew something was wrong. Clouds had taken the shape of diabolical monsters, thunder was striking as loud the engine of a train, and rain pouring as if the sky were a waterfall. The streets of Tupelo were dead. Yet in all of this midst, a stranger wearing a drenched lab coat on his suit and gloves on his hands could be seen walking in the middle of the room. A look of calm was displayed on his face, as if nothing was going wrong in the town. He walked with confidence like he knew exactly where he was headed. People looked out their windows gaping at what they saw. They gasped when they saw where he was headed. No one had ever dared venture toward the one horrid house in the middle of nowhere. It looked as though the mysterious man was headed toward an old broken down house with paint that was peeling off of its walls, and the house seemed to be tilted. With all these appalling features, it was surprising that the owner had kept a beautiful garden filled with roses, rhododendrons, and other flowers. A foul odor filled the nose of the man. He only smiled, for he knew he had found the house of Brentoleon Dynamite.

With the entire town looking on, the mysterious man flashed a smile and calmly knocked on the door. Inside the house, you could see a garden of snakes resting on what used to be a bookshelf. The door creaked open and a tall, muscular, yet horribly disfigured man appeared. Brentoleon Dynamite.
“WHAT YOU WANT?” shouted Brentoleon.
“I seek only what everyone else seeks.” Replied the man.
“WHAT IS NAME”
“My name is Sobch Hevan. Hello Brentoleon”
Brentoleon’s jaw dropped. “Why... hello my old friend” he said, sounding fidgety.
“Brentoleon, why don’t you tell these people why you take your anger out on helpless people who only want to lose weight?”
Brentoleon, who had one hand behind his back, was stealthly, reaching for something on the bookshelf.
“I…I… want to be a good trainer, that’s all.” Said Brentoleon, looking away.
“Seriously now, why don’t you tell them about junior year in high school?”
Brent had turned a brilliant red. The townspeople certainly knew something was wrong. Within a half a second, the mood of Tupelo changed.
“Well… DIE”
And with a swift arm movement, Brentoleon flung the snake at Sobch. The snake made it’s way into Sobch’s mouth. Sobch fell onto the garden roses, and a “gulp” was heard. Brentoleon walked to Sobch as the townspeople hurriedly scurried away. He picked up the body, and carried it into his home.

To this day, no one really knows what happened to Brentoleon in his junior year of high school. As I walked down the street to the cemetery, I visit the house of Brentoleon Dynamite. I see him planting his garden, but behind those muscles and behind the dirty clothes, I can see in his eyes, a look of helplessness, and a need for hope. I get to the cemetery and visit a gravestone. I look at the grave of someone, who was brave enough to go to the house of Brentoleon. The only person that knew the truth behind him. Sobch Hevan.
</code></pre>

<p>bump yeah. please!</p>

<p>fsdfdsfds</p>

<p>thanks. please somebody!</p>

<p><em>still reading</em>
Btw, is this for college apps?</p>

<p>nope, high school assignment</p>

<p>Haha...nice story…I’ll come back and comment tomorrow since I’m WAY too tired right now. I like it so far, though. Good night!</p>

<p>yeah.. it's kind of based off of these 2 friends at school.</p>

<p>and yeah. if you were @ my school, you'd be laughing like yeah.. </p>

<p>thanks! for reading it. see you tomorrow</p>

<p>hmmmm... i'm sure your english teacher has said "show, don't tell" many a time, but i'm going to say it here, even if it sounds cliche and unhelpful, because there's no other way i can put it.. basically it means to don't use trite phrases and try to come up with an original way of telling your story, because even "descriptive" adjectives and adverbs wind up telling nothing if they're overused and people have seen them (so many times) before that they mean next to nothing (new) now...
take this sentence for example:</p>

<p>"No one had ever dared venture toward the one horrid house in the middle of nowhere."</p>

<p>the adjective "horrid" tells me approximately.. nothing, it seems like a waste of space and detracts from the quality of your writing. it needs to be cut, or find a better word. "in the middle of nowhere" is a questionable way to describe the location of the house, because all this story actually takes place in a town within eyeshot of other people, right? not such a good description. all in all, this sentence-- i mean, i get what you're trying to say, but these just aren't the right words (phrases) to use...</p>

<p>i'm also confused about the continuity. one example, "Nobody wanted Brentoleon in their town, but no one had the courage to drive him away. In such a small town such as Tupelo, Brentoleon thought no one knew what caused this hatred, why he often complained about his life betraying him and why he never talked to anyone but his pet hamster who had died away seven years ago. But he thought wrong." i don't get the logic going from sentence (idea) 1 to 2 to 3, etc, in this passage. actually, i can kinda see what's going on, but you're not picking the right words, you're picking words that are very similar to what you want to say, but they're not conveying the right idea, which makes your flow of thoughts seem all mumbo-jumbo'ed up. it might <em>feel</em> like a je ne sais quoi, but you've <em>got</em> to find the right, exact, precise words.</p>

<p>also, there's some weird, ie incorrect, comma/capitalization stuff going on with your use of quotes, but i'm not going to point out any examples of those, because it's easy enough looking up the rules and figuring how to use your punctuation correctly.</p>

<p>sorry if you think i have been unforgivingly harsh, that's why i only picked out two parts to totally tear apart, hope this didn't affect your self-esteem any, but anyway, that's what i see that glaringly needs correcting in your story.. if you kind of get the gist of what i've been trying to get at, you can go back and fix and rewrite the other parts of your story. basically it boils down to word choice and one's ability to manipulate language like playdoh... throwing in some vocabulary wouldn't be a bad idea either.... again, i'm really really sorry, but hey, better you hear it from me than your english teacher, right?</p>

<p>Haha…lol! It kind of reminds me of the movie “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” for some reason. I like the storyline, but I hope you add a little more detail to make your story flow a little better. Some spelling mistakes (Mississippi, not Misissippi) and here you need some more punctuation marks: “WHAT IS NAME”
“My name is Sobch Hevan. Hello Brentoleon”</p>

<p>thanks revetta</p>

<p>really helpful explanation.</p>

<p>i'll fix stuff tomororw cause i have to go to sleep though</p>

<p>thansk a lot though!</p>

<p>anyone tell me where to find rules on putting conversations in on stories?</p>