can you read through my personal statement and let me know if it needs any improvement?

<p>I'm trying to transfer to UCI as a philosophy major from saddleback community college. My gpa is around 3.6.
Please let me know if there are any parts that I need to go into more depth on to clarify or parts that I should take out or anything I should add. I'm pretty uncomfortable writing about myself so there are probably parts that need editing. </p>

<p>I came to the USA not speaking a word of English; I was an underdog in the land of opportunity. The vast potential for success that the USA had to offer motivated me to quickly learn to adapt to this new society. After learning to speak English, I was dedicated to being the first generation in my family to get a university education in the US. At such a young age I did not realize that immigrating to this country and the process of attaining my citizenship was my first experience with the legal system and ethics within the legal system. This was the start of my passion for my major: philosophy with a concentration on ethics in the legal system. During my freshman year of high school, I found an opportunity to take control of my future, and to put my quick learning and adaptability into action by trying out for the water polo team. I did not know a single thing about the sport, but I was strong in will and in spirit, so I was placed on Junior Varsity. My coach felt that I was ambitious and could lead the team to success – I was given the position of co-captain. I threw myself into the sport – I came home with nosebleeds, fractured ribs, busted lips, chipped teeth... At games I faced fists being thrown and claws being dug into my skin from aggressive players that were much stronger than me. I competed within my own team against girls that had years of experience, and fifty pounds of muscle, over me. I had been the underdog my whole life; joining a team with no experience was easy compared to moving thousands of miles away to a foreign country where you had no knowledge of the language or what the future may hold. My dedication to being just as successful as girls that had been playing water polo their whole lives, showed the coaches that I could take on a challenge. I was placed on varsity swim after water polo season, and I was placed on varsity water polo the following year. Participating in water polo made begin to ponder the philosophy of ethics, and the “legal system” of water polo, as rules were constantly being overlooked, broken, and worked around by to gain advantage. </p>

<p>By my senior year, I had gone through numerous medical procedures for water polo injuries, including a major surgery for a labral tear in my shoulder. I had to make a decision – quit water polo and dedicate myself to another career path, or further aggravate my post-surgery shoulder, and possibly injure my other shoulder which already had a chronic minor dislocation and pinched nerves and tendonitis. I pictured myself in ten years as a mother, telling my children that I could not pick them up or play with them because I was injured from my high school water polo career. I chose to reorient my life’s focus toward becoming a part of the professional business world. I felt disillusioned – what would I do after school instead of three hours of water polo practice? I found a solution: the regional occupation program for banking and finance where I would intern for Citi Bank the first semester, and Realty Executives the second semester. I also began taking online community college classes to begin my path toward obtaining a bachelor’s degree from the University of California, Irvine. In my advanced placement government and political science class, I developed a passion for the legal system. Our Socratic seminars on court cases made me begin to question the morality behind legislation. My newfound passion led to the discovery of a new “team” to join – State Senator Joel Anderson’s team of interns at his Temecula office. We partook in community outreach by researching local news to find eligible individuals and business to present them community service awards. We interacted with constituents, listened to the problems that they faced, and researched legislation that could be useful in solving their problems. We also listened to constituents’ opinions on current legislation and which legislation they wanted State Senator Joel Anderson to vote on. It was inspiring to see how much a team of interns behind a state senator could do for individuals within our local community, and for the California state itself. I often questioned morality at the Senator’s office as I was told again and again by my supervisor "your beliefs do not matter, you are here to support the Senator's agenda". This experience was a profound preparation for my future as a business professional that must deal with clients whose beliefs I do not necessarily support. </p>

<p>I had always expected to go straight to UCI after high school as I had been working hard to meet the necessary requirements to be a part of the Anteater community. The 2007 crisis had a vastly detrimental effect on our family’s optometry business, so I had to wait a few years to fulfill my dreams by transferring to UCI from community college. My political science class had not prepared me for the firsthand experience of a tumultuous economy. My goal of going to UCI had been temporarily squelched, and I felt a sense of resignation and a lack of motivation going to community college. Realization my major of philosophy caused me to feel motivated once again as all that I had experienced in life and felt passionate for was culminated in my introduction to philosophy class. I felt further inspired when I was hired as an intern for the law firm Samini Scheinberg – my ambitions for being a part of the legal system were starting to be realized. Being a part of a law firm and seeing attorneys diligently working on briefs, even staying at the office until midnight to finish a deadline, has left me awe-struck. Seeing how hard these attorneys work for their clients makes me want to strive even harder to get into UCI, get high grades, and be as involved as possible in the anteater community. </p>

<p>“Participating in water polo made begin to ponder the philosophy of ethics, and the “legal system” of water polo, as rules were constantly being overlooked, broken, and worked around by to gain advantage”. —This sounds like you are stretching thing a bit…trying to show how your EC relates to what you want to major in.</p>

<p>" My political science class had not prepared me for the firsthand experience of a tumultuous economy". - I don’t understand how this flows."</p>

<p>“My goal of going to UCI had been temporarily squelched, and I felt a sense of resignation and a lack of motivation going to community college” Why are you mentioning this?</p>

<p>This may be true but sounds very negative
" I often questioned morality at the Senator’s office as I was told again and again by my supervisor “your beliefs do not matter, you are here to support the Senator’s agenda”. This experience was a profound preparation for my future as a business professional that must deal with clients whose beliefs I do not necessarily support."</p>

<p>I would think that anteater should be capitalized</p>

<p>That honestly was not a helpful commentary at all.
I wasn’t looking for specifics on spell checking.
I just wanted to know if I had the right idea overall in answering the prompt and if there were parts that should have been less detailed or more detailed. </p>

<p>Most personal statements I read are sob stories about their health and etc…I mention a few remotely negative things and that’s what is going to prevent me from being admitted? </p>

<p>-I was trying to show how my EC relates to what I want to major in. That’s the whole point of the essay. Sports very much relate to philosophy of ethics / politics in general.
-It flows bc I could not afford to go to university. I had mentioned before that taking an AP polisci class inspired me to choose my major. Bad economy --> family business going down —> cant afford to go to university —> referencing back to one of my experiences with my major being a class regarding the economy…this class [obviously] did not prepare me for the real world experience of a bad economy…
-I am mentioning this because I could not afford to go to university which caused me to feel de-motivated and finding my major made me feel motivated again. The Personal Statement is supposed to be about your Chosen Major.
-Again I don’t understand how a personal statement is supposed to be a Fairy Tale Story of Joy and Happiness because there is no negativity in the world. That is what I experienced at my internship and that is how it prepared me for the real world. </p>

<p>If I may humbly make a comment, I found your section on water polo a bit drawn out. Although it may be indicative of your dedication and is a bit related to ethics and politics, the connection between the two seems weak. </p>

<p>I would have really loved to read about your deep interest and passion in philosophy/ethics, as it is a field that I might myself potentially major/minor. I think your statement is a bit lacking in that part-what about attaining your citizenship led you to philosophy? Was it the profound implication of gaining another nationality/cultural identity? You talked about socratic seminar about court cases leading to your passion for the legal system-a very interesting experience-but then really don’t explain why they were so important to you or what they meant.</p>

<p>In general, you talk about what you did and what you felt pretty well but not enough about why they matter to you at a deeply personal level. Philosophy and ethics is a pretty unique major, and I think you could really highlight that here by adding a bit more emotional detail. </p>

<p>I just mentioned my citizenship bc it relates to the legal system. Yeah I guess I’m going to have to delete some of the water polo stuff and some of the last paragraph to bs something profound. I’m really bad at emotional writing so I really have no idea how to make it sound more personal. I still have some time to think it over. Idk how to write about my interest in philosophy without writing about things that may offend the reader ie existentialism , marxism , my opinions re the global economy </p>

<p>You don’t really have to write about your philosophical views, just how and why you developed such interest. For example, was there an influential person ex. a teacher or a professor whose method of examining and living life motivated you? Perhaps a significant event in your life that caused you to develop a deep interest in philosophy. This event probably should not be something too negative such as depression, nor something a bit too pompous and thoreauesque. Something genuine and simple will do.</p>