Cant handle it

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>I've talked to some friends but not the close ones cause they are out at orientations, and on vacation.</p>

<p>Well after 20 years my parents are getting a divorce due to fighting, and not being happy together. My dad accepeted a VP job in texas and my mom is staying here. Were not sure were my 10th grade bro/11th grade sis will be.</p>

<p>This is all happening while im heading off for my Freshman Year in Arizona.</p>

<p>It's going to be hard and all the good memories coming back now it hits me hard. We just had the last family meeting and I thought with my family this would never happen.</p>

<p>I have no motivation to work or anything at the moment.</p>

<p>Is this normal?
Any help?</p>

<p>Sorry for posting ona COllege forum its just i need some advice.</p>

2

<p>These are different than not being able to handle it. It sounds as if you are in a denial stage and with your going away to school it is also parting/loss/. I feel for you and you don't really need to do much except grieve....a necessary task right now. You will make it through this and you will find out that as time passes life does get much better just different. Try as best you can to feel the sadness and loss without taking it personally. sorry you are having to go thru this it sux.</p>

3

<p>i'm really sorry to hear. Since right now is only summer, you can grieve all you want and when school starts, i hope u'll put it aside and focus on schoolwork. I've learned that grieving is not healthy...</p>

4

<p>just not for long time.</p>

5

<p>this sounds strangely familiar to me. after 19 1/2 years of marriage, my parents dropped the bomb on my younger sister and i just as i began my senior year last fall. and ever since, my family life has gone downhill. chances are, the circumstances under which my parents split up are worse because this has not been a quiet divorce. my parents cannot be in the same room with one another, cannot call without getting into a fight and cannot even e-mail back and forth. the divorce should be final this month. meanwhile, my senior year, while not terrible, was tainted with constant fighting, being put in the middle, useless counseling and the deterioration of a rocky relationship with my mom.</p>

<p>what i can say to you, after releasing my baggage on this thread, is that you and i are both lucky that we are going to college in the fall. only time can ease the pain, and even that doesn't heal it completely. my younger sister has another five years of going back and forth between parents and it sucks. i never in my wildest dreams would've thought this would happen to my family.</p>

<p>believe me, with nearly 1/2 of all marriages ending in divorce, you are definately not alone. good luck. just think, there are those who are worse off than you are, those who never knew one of their parents or who are starving or what have you.</p>

6

<p>zac & top:</p>

<p>Time will make it easier to deal with and I am sure your parents will find a better way to handle this in your presence once the anger subsides. This is an unfortunate part of many lives and although it does get easier the hurt will stay. Just find a healthy way to deal with it and be sure to surround yourself with friends - they all care about you!!!</p>

7

<p>Please think on looking up the counseling office at your new college. Please physically locate it and sign up for some services. I suggest this because you may find that your parents will be self absorbed in their battle/loss/anger and not available to you for the support that every new student needs and is wanting. You may feel guilty and anxious about leaving your siblings or the state of being of either or both parents. Freshman first semester is a time to take care of yourself and your own needs. You will likely be making two trips home within 4 months of leaving for school and you may need some preparation for those family changes. Don't wait for the end of the semester when the services will be filled with kids and don't deny yourself some personal support.</p>

8

<p>actually what happened to the OP is a somewhat familiar story. A lot of couples heading for divorce just need a precipitating event to push them over, and sending kid(s) off to college often triggers it.</p>

<p>Your college will have a counseling service and you should take advantage of it.</p>

9

<p>I'll echo what Mikemac said- after my sister left for college, 3 of her friends' parents split up...plus ours. It's surprisingly common.</p>

<p>It'll all turn out alright, Zac. It's hard at first, but it really will be all right. Make sure you get some counseling if you need it.</p>

10

<p>Get a line on counseling because of the situation and let the professionals decide the "need it" part. Have access established....kinda like a reservation for dinner....you may not need it but without it you may not get dinner. Good Luck and hang in there.</p>

11

<p>zac, try not to take sides in the mom vs. dad squabbles, unless it is absolutely necessary. your siblings need your moral and emotional support more than anything else right now. You will be off to school soon to start a new life, but bro and sis are the ones who will have to endure your parents' separation. You, of course, will have to deal with Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday tensions. </p>

<p>Be strong for your siblings! Let mom and dad work out their issues.</p>

12

<p>You are lucky in that you are going to college and will be surrounding yourself with new people. You can create a comfort zone for yourself. While it can't replace a family biologically, you can find some of the closest friends you'll ever have. </p>

<p>I encourage you to keep in close touch with your sister. She's going to have it tough.</p>

13

<p>man, this is unreal...everyone's situation sounds just like mine. my mom dropped the bomb after christmas break. this is coming after years of having my parents act as "strangers" towards each other.</p>

<p>after long reflection, it seems that one of the best things i or anyone else in a similar situation can do is be supportive for any younger siblings who, unfortunately, will be THERE when the you-know-what hits the fan. like some previous posters said time will help. "don't cry because it's over...smile because it happened." life will go on</p>

14

<p>As a child whose parents have been in a legal bar fight for her entire life, and then once that ended whose mother married an abusive controle freak who ended up screwing her on financial aid (long story-very bitter), all I can say is, it will be okay.</p>

<p>I know this sounds very difficult, and maybe a tad bit the masculin stereotype (even though I'm a girl), but try to forget about it. At first, I know, it's very in your face can't stop thinking about it. Talk to your friends, write about it to vent, just open up a blank word document and write everything your thinking, then delete it, or save it under something totally random (bio paper--potatos) it's a really good way to vent off steam. I can tell you right now though, that some of your friends will get sick of hearing about it, I know mine did, so try to vent the least you can, or at least rotate the friends you vent to (I know it sounds awful). </p>

<p>When you go away to college, just remember--you are gone. their life is not your life. you have to work on being who you are, learning as much as you can, having a life of your own. </p>

<p>I'm sure neither of your parents raised you hoping to have a son who only cared about family life. Most parents want to have a happy kid who has a happy life of their own, so don't worry that not becoming involved with the divorce will make them feel bad. Even if at first they might be upset about you not taking sides, in the long run they'll understand. DO NOT TAKE SIDES. DO NOT TRY TO FIX THEIR PROBLEMS. Remember that they're adults, and they have to face the concequinces of their actions, your the kid, not the parent, it's not your job to take care of them. either of them. </p>

<p>Even though the stress of college may have had an impact on their relationship, their divorce is in no way your fault, I'm sure they would have been much more stressed had you decided NOT to go to college. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. </p>

<p>And as difficult as this might seem, for college at least, where grades and stuff really do count, supress it. try to forget about everything at home, and only concentrate on what you have to do, and your work. Realize that nothing you do will change their situation, so just do the best you can at what you can control. You may have an emotional outburst, but honestly the less you let yourself think about it all, the less... tiring it will all be. When your old and out of school you can get therapy for it (lol) but for right now you have more immedeate things that need your energy. Let yourself think about it maybe one day everyfew weeks, and really vent--it's okay to really cry it out, but not for more than an hour. try to vent as much as you can, and then tuck it back inside of you and go on with YOUR life. Remember than you can get more done when you emotionally numb yourself, than you can in hysterics.</p>

<p>I know there will be some people who disagree with me about this, but sometimes you really just have to be practical.</p>

<p>I hope your situation stays civil, and that you don't have to get as bitter as I am lol, and just remember that ultimately they have their life, and you have your life, and yes they are insanely intertwined, but you can't change them, so just work on what you can control. Get good grades, make good friends, try to be as happy as you can with what you can control. It'll all be okay in the end.</p>

15

<p>As a divorced mother who worried full-time overtime about what the divorce would "do" to my son, you have my total, complete sympathy. And the sure knowledge that there's absolutely nothing you can do to fix the situation...probably my son could give better coping advice than I can: all I know is that even in the depths of the pain over the divorce, I worried myself silly over the damage it would be doing to my son...your parents are probably equally worried about the impact on you kids, but are so messed up themselves right now that even tho worry about you is foremost, their reactions to you and your needs will be distorted (and possibly useless to you)...cut yourself the biggest break of all...give yourself permission to be selfish; to put their pain out of your mind as much as you can. Ultimately, that will help you and them the most, to know that the damage their failed relationship inflicted on you was lessened by your refusal to take on their burdens...and do not let either one of them try to "use you" to deal with the other one...</p>

<p>Ultimately, time does heal. Life does get good again--for you and for them. And it doesn't take all that long, either...Use your friends, your counselors, willing parents (and fellow students) on these boards...take care of you as much as you can...and when it gets very black and very bleak, use that tried and true old bromide--it's tried and true because it really does work!: "this too shall pass." And have as much fun at college as you possibly can. In the meantime, there are a lot of fellow student and parent hearts with you, sending you as much psychic support as we can...</p>