<p>Frazzled1 and MotherofTwo, I could not agree with you more. </p>
<p>07Dad, I must admit, I do not agree with all that you have written, though I believe each family should do what they feel comfortable doing. I also think you make MANY assumptions that just are not the case with those who are in frequent contact with their children. </p>
<p>You posed:
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Wouldn't you agree that if your S is "busy" doing his job (college), as you want him to be, he would naturally call fairly infrequently?
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<p>I have two kids in college who are past the point that your son is and so I think I can comment on this with some experience. One is a senior, one is a junior. Both stay in touch with us pretty frequently, every few days at least. They are MORE than busy doing their job at college.....if you only knew my kids, they take on WAY WAY WAY more than is required at college and have insane schedules all day, all night, all weekend. They do MUCH more than go to school. They take on a lot of extra commitments and I frankly don't know how they do it all and both are attending demanding highly selective colleges and programs. One is in a professional degree program which involves nine required courses per semester, and she has chosen to audit (and do the homework for) a tenth one. She also is musically directiing a professional show (for pay) that rehearses five times per week. she is also the musical director for an a capella group that rehearses twice per week plus she writes the arrangements on her own time. She also is in a Scholars program with required bi weekly sessions. She also takes on paid work teaching. She also is usually cast in a show that rehearses five times per week. She has the preparation and homework for all ten classes as well. She also must travel to private lessons required of her program each week. She is in school related things all day and all night and over the weekends. She gets excellent grades. She clearly is doing her "job" at school. She makes frequent very brief calls while on the run from one activity to another, to let us know her news and happenings, to share. For instance, I got a call yesterday....the usual two min. type as she was running to a subway but to tell me she attended an audition outside of school and was cast on the spot. She wanted to tell us. I then asked her about some other things I knew she was doing this week and she quickly shared about them. I don't do things for her or solve her problems. I have no clue her homework and that sort of thing. I do take a big interest in what she is doing. She called earlier in the week after the first day of classes to say, "I love this school so much; I had the most amazing first day; I am having some incredible opportunities, and I want to thank you so much for paying for this." I surely love getting these calls! </p>
<p>My other D....is clearly doing her "job" at school and then some. She not only gets high grades at a very challenging university, she has chosen to apply for and was accepted to do an Honors Thesis, which is not required. She applied to become a TA for a course even though she is an undergraduate and was selected to do that (she called to tell me that news last week as she was walking to something) which means an additional course to attend and to prepare for the two sections she will lead, plus additional TA meetings each week. She is on a Varsity sport team which requires seven practices per week in the off season, and two mornings mid week in season out of state for practice (leaves at 6:30 AM) and requires her to be away every single weekend for competitions. She used to also be on a club sport team but this year says she can't fit it in or she would. She also is a tour guide weekly at her college. She also applied to and was selected to be an advisor to a freshman group (more time commitments, plus the three days of training). She also volunteers at a local elem school. She also is applying to graduate schools right now and has to study for the GREs, do applications/essays, and prepare a portolio which is a lot of work. She is doing her job. Her calls home do NOT preclude her from doing what she should be doing.</p>
<p>I venture to say that both my kids (who are not unique, but I am merely talking of personal experience) do MORE than the job of being just a student which is a big job in itself. If anything, I feel they take on too much (though I support them as they want to do this stuff and are driven). However, they care (and so do I) to stay in touch regularly. We rarely call them as they are so busy and our system is that it is easier for them to pick the times to call us. The calls are usually sharing what is going on in their lives. Once in a while, there may be something they want to either vent or run by us for advice as all humans do and they know that we care and are there to listen. For instance, my very independent child was working abroad all summer in her field. However, she was the victim of fraud with money that she wired to someone for housing. She had to go to the police in a foreign country and talked to us about advice. Sometimes college kids run things by their peers and there are some things they may wish to run by a parent. Sometimes, though not very often, there is a vent and they just want to tell someone the vent, which doesn't mean we step in to take any actions. I recall about ten days ago, my younger one had a big gig at a well known venue in NYC with the a capella group she is in but also musically directs. She called me from a taxi on the way to their concert and was a bit frazzled because she realizled that this thing she uses in their performances, called a melodica, was left the night before when she was at a restaurant in NYC and now she didn't have it though they could do the concert and use a pitch pipe they had, but she felt she was letting them down. She told me she had called the restaurant to see if it was found and it wasn't. But she felt she wanted to just vent to someone what she had done and she felt overly bad about it. I later found out that she decided to call the restaurant one more time from the cab to talk to someone else there and indeed they found it and she asked the cab to take her to the restaurant, wait, and take her to her show which she made miraculously on time, LOL. I didn't solve her problem. But she wanted to tell someone and she chose to tell me. My husband would tell you that he thinks it is nice that the kids choose to share this stuff with us. But they are very very independent. We have never called their schools about anything. We do not do stuff for them (other than pay for stuff we agreed to pay for) and are here as a support system. Isn't that what parents are for? </p>
<p>There is a continum with parenting and while some "helicoptering" is over the top where the parents are overly involved in doing things for their kids and intervening once in college like they did when they were little, there are parents who are in frequent touch with their college aged kids because both the kids and parents want to be, just to share, support, etc. And then there are parents who take no interest in their kids and say, you're on your own. Each of us feels comfortable with the level of parenting we have chosen. I have chosen that middle level. We do stay in frequent contact. But my kids are very independent, make their own choices of colleges, classes, jobs, summer endeavors, futures, majors, etc. They are more than doing their "jobs." We are not doing things for them, nor do we tell them what to do anymore (I'd probably say....do less! LOL). They make their own choices but we are here for advice, support, or to just take an interest. I don't see why that is a negative thing. I think it is a positive thing! For me, it is.</p>