my kids didnt got to boarding schools. but i’m on my 12th year of having a high schooler, and i’ve seen huge changes in how schools and high schoolers use phones.
I think the biggest thing is the group me apps; with teachers, sports coaches, teams & school groups. The communication comes from smart phone apps - like group me or group texts or other ways that arent really available on computer.
I know a kid a few years ago who didnt have access (parent-driven) to these notices through the phone; he missed out on practices, group outings, all sorts of details. His parents expected the group/director (it was a large marching band) to email him; but it rarely was done and mostly as an after thought. he missed out on a lot. So keep that in mind; kids and teachers and coaches will have a hard time communicating with him
OP, there’s consensus on this thread – fairly rare on CC – that having a smartphone at boarding school is a good idea. I would urge you to open your mind to the collective wisdom here, and reconsider your position.
Agree with @cinnamon1212 - also you should know that most communications between students for extra-curricular activities, group projects, athletics, etc. happens via text messages.
I don’t think it’s an issue of entitlement but an issue of necessity. Seeing as the other posts have also mentioned the many reasons why having a phone is necessary, my view is that the parents got them a phone not because of their whining but for the validity of the reasons to their argument? Just a thought.
@maybeboardingmom You seem to have had your mind made up before you even posted.
Experienced parents are telling you otherwise, but it is certainly your decision. It probably makes sense to close this thread given that their advice that a student would be inhibited academically, socially, athletically, and safety-wise is being dismissed without consideration.
@lilyesh has a point: you are really going to have a lot less control over your child at BS.
Phones are just the tip of the iceberg.
You will have limited control of their social life. Were my kid living at home, I’d just as well forbid them from dating until 25. At BS, I have no control over that. Fortunately, my kid has chosen to date a really nice kid. Some kids use alcohol and drugs. Even if you restrict your child’s ability to leave campus, they seem to find a way.
You will have limited influence over their time management and probably won’t be as aware of their schoolwork. It’s not conducive to helicopter parenting. (My kid’s school has some vocal helicopter parents among the day student population.)
And all this is still only the tip of the iceberg.
You have to weigh all these issues in making a decision that works best for your family. You know your DC best.
100% must-have IMO. In addition to the many other accurate reasons posted by others I’ll add that much of the group messaging previously mentioned, whether for sports, academics, clubs, or plain old being social, happens on platforms other than text/iMessage. DMs on Insta, Snap, etc etc etc. So a feature phone won’t cut it.
There is one student at Lawrenceville who does not have a phone. It is nearly impossible for them to participate in anything other than classes because you literally cannot communicate with them (they’re also a day student—if you want to control your kid’s time, why send them away from home in the first place?). Not giving your child a phone will actively hinder their ability to properly succeed in an environment when constant communication is absolutely essential.
I, quite literally, rely on my phone for communications not only with my friends, but also the members of the clubs I lead, my teachers, and my Heads of House—how are they going to figure out where I am in an emergency when I can’t access the House GroupMe? When my lab partner got Covid, how would I bring them into the lab with me without FaceTime?
Also, your kid might just be sneaky and get a spare phone from their friends anyways. Also, it’s not like there are hundreds of other ways to distract yourself outside of phone usage…
I think it really depends. I should say the kids are busy, but it’s not necessarily all adult driven. I can tell you that most kids don’t do well without at least a basic structure (especially those with ADD like DS)
My son tends to do well with free time as he’s a kid that is intellectually curious and likes to explore, build or experiment. I find boarding school to be a nice balance of structure for part of the year and then having some down time on vacations.
I agree with @vwlizard . I’d also make the distinction betwern structured and programmed. Kids may have to do something in the afternoon, but there’s choice, including free time. But that choice may not include going to your dorm room and playing video games.
Listen to the collective wisdom here. Has it ever happened that so many posters agree on cc? You asked a question and the answer you got wasn’t the one you wanted. You need to really open yourself up to the info here.
I am also a parent who refused to give my kids phones. Right up until they went to BS. It worked when they were younger but at BS it would doom them.
Agreed 100% necessary to have one. My son didn’t have one until 1 month into his freshman year last year and as soon as I realized he was out of the loop for all the pasta dinners before the xc meets and group chats, etc. we went and got him one right away. He was at a local HS for freshman year and we didn’t think he really needed one - we weren’t opposed to it but just didn’t really think about it. He’s currently a sophomore at BS and I couldn’t imagine what it would be like for him if he didn’t have one. We do shut it down with Screen Time at 11:00 p.m. each night because we want to make sure he gets some sleep.
At boarding school, your child will have little to no barriers to prevent them from doing many things that you’d prefer they not do. Trying to implement such barriers and control them from afar is impossible and will lead to endless frustration (for you and your child).
A modern cell phone will honestly be low on the list of things that can harm your child if they overuse it. If a cell phone is going to be a focal point of control, it may be worth considering if BS is the right choice overall.
If your kid is on your plan, which is likely, you’ll see who and when they are texting. (What happens on apps will be a mystery.) But if you are worried by what you see – like texting in the wee hours, you can have a conversation about it.
I know parents who loved the track my phone app for anticipating when a bus would arrive, etc. Others were more "big brother " and used it to make sure kids were attending class, etc.
I’ll add: smartphones are the main way we get to stay connected with our kids! Facetime happens all the time. I like to see into my kids’ eyes to keep my fingers on the pulse of how they are doing, you know? They are so young and far away. I couldn’t dream of taking away that connection given the technology exists. (I realize that twenty years ago people went to BS and didn’t have that option.). In fact, with our kids when they first went to BS, we had an agreement that every day they would do a very quick video check in on snapchat (which we joined just for that purpose). It was just a great way for us to see their faces, hear their voices, without being super intrusive.
My suggestion: meet your kids where they are, not where you are. Phones are not about entitlement anymore. They really aren’t. The world is truly different these days.
Here’s an article about a small BS which is banning smart phones entirely for students and adults because [reasons]. (They are not banning dumb/feature phones). NOTE that this article highlights indirectly the exact thing we’ve all been saying, which is that not having a smart phone at BS only works if everyone doesn’t have a smart phone and is in the same boat.
We received communication that Deerfield is going to ask (require?) students to leave phones in rooms from 8 AM - 3 PM on weekdays. Will see if it sticks - seems like a good idea.
St Andrew’s already does something like this. I don’t know all the details, but I know they aren’t allowed in the room after lights out or during class and afternoon activities. The kids all seem to adjust fine and if there is an emergency, etc I can always call the school or Advisor directly, which thankfully has never happened. I think it’s actually a good thing whereby kids can develop problem solving skills sans phones. I’m sure it’s a pain for the kids at times. This is also standard for many older sleepaway summer camps.
To re-activate this thread, Choate’s policy is mandatory cell phones on campus, and they refuse to take them away at night. This means kids from the West Coast are texting with their pals all night (3 hr. time difference that kids in CA forget/don’t respect). Choate won’t take the cell out of their room. How do I know this? Several kids over the past few years have crashed and burned and left Choate after 9th grade to come back to LA and repeat their 9th-grade year. It’s a continuing disaster on a lot of fronts. If anyone has any advice for parents who might find themselves in this situation, please tell us. We are open to hearing anything!
S23 boarding school required parents download a parental control app. We did not have to deal with it as it went into effect when we had a senior that was grandfathered in. My guess is kids know how to get around these things, but it might be something to look into. I believe there are apps that let you control “do not disturb” hours but will allow designated numbers to ring through. I think we can do that through our cell carrier.
Just a question? Won’t kids just be able to do all of this from their computer? I feel like they’d have to remove electronic device and not just their phones. I’m a teacher and kids have told stories about having a “fake” phone that they turn in at school or turn in to their parents if they are grounded.