change in promise

<p>We have always told my D that we will pay for college and grad school but my wife is now not happy that I expect to commit about $220,000 for the 6 years- she may push D to less expensive schools. I am not worried about prestige but want my D (only child) to pick a school w/o cost being the determining factor. We are just starting this process since D is only a soph. but discussions about the cost of some schools was not well received. We have the money- we have given up some things to achieve this but I do not think my wife realized how much I had put away for this. I had told her but I do not think she really thought about it though.
I was lucky in that my parents paid (21 years in total for 5 kids) and I would like to do the same. We did take some small loans and I have no problem with my D doing the same. Has anyone run into this problem and how did you resolve it. My wife has made financial sacrifices to help us save for college and I think she may feel why not spend some money on other things.</p>

<p>Any suggestions?</p>

<p>Each family's decision is so individual. But here are a couple of suggestions, in case one sounds like it might fit.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Commit to paying for the 4 years of college, but allow the grad school to be her responsibility. This way, you could avoid the "look for cheaper schools" issue. In many fields, grad school will be self-funding via TA/RA etc. positions. In the professional fields (business, engineering, med, law) she can either expect to be able to repay her own loans and/or have spent some time in the working world prior to grad school, be on her own and save for part/borrow part. I even got grants toward my Stanford MBA, so that can happen too (unless things have changed since the Dark Ages).</p></li>
<li><p>Seek schools which are a fit for her and where her stats or other talents and achievements might yield merit $$.</p></li>
<li><p>Agree on your idea that D take the small Stafford loans etc.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Like you, I am proud of having planned and saved so that my S could choose a school without cost being a factor and without the burden of large debt. You are already planning to start the beautiful (imo) Pay It Forward tradition. The notion that we did not have to pay our parents back, but instead pay it forward to our children and they in turn to theirs may appeal to your wife, if put in those terms.</p>

<p>If it were me, I would figure out if the money spent on a more expensive school would be well-spent. For this, you would need to know what the alternatives are, what your child wants to study, how the programs compare, the reasons for preferring this school or that, etc.</p>

<p>Recently this issue came up with someone trying to figure out how cost could go into the equation of deciding between colleges. I said you need to use decision analysis techniques. Put a weight on each factor that is important to you, grade the alternatives on each factor, then sum things up and see where you are. If there is only a modest improvement in quality, the extra money may not be worth it. </p>

<p>The weight you would put on the money factor would of course depend on your personal circumstances. If the money is not spent on education, would it be used to help with a house downpayment later for your child, to allow an earlier retirement for you, or what? It may come down to what the child would inherit -- in which case maybe your daughter would be the one to decide. Be sure to calculate then what the funds could earn if they weren't spent.</p>

<p>I sort of did this with my parents. I decided I would rather go to a cheap state school and take a summer trip to Europe for high school graduates. This combo was less than what my brother's schooling was going to cost, so they really couldn't argue. I loved that trip!</p>

<p>Maybe the wife/mom has sticker shock. It looks like a huge number and it is. Maybe the wife/mom would like to go back to school and take a class at the community college[city branch of state school] with the husband/dad to experience school in today's reality. My mom is taking a class and she calls it the "school for the disenfranchised".......not a complaint just a fact. Much of her experience is like catching a train in Calcutta.</p>

<p>I wouldn't worry too much just yet. Your daughter is only a sophomore. You have no idea whether she'll prefer your low cost state university or a pricey private school or something in between. And, you may find that as your wife starts visiting and actually comparing schools and perhaps gets caught up in the process of "comparing notes" with friends and neighbors, that she'll also form different preferences about spending that college savings fund. </p>

<p>Like you and Jmmmom, we are also fortunate enough to have enough saved to pay for our children's college expenses. However, we have made it clear that just because the money is earmarked for them, it is not an entitlement that they are automatically going to receive. They still have to earn it by doing well in school, contributing to the family, and showing us that they are making wise choices. We have let them know that we do not want them to take a "money be damned" approach to college and life decisions, but rather to choose wisely, keeping in mind that our financial circumstances may change, we may decide to spend more on one child than another, or we may decide that we have other financial priorities that take some precedence. I think that is something you might want to get across to both your daughter AND your wife as well.</p>

<p>Thanks everyone- I appreciate everyone's input</p>