<p>What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities and what you have gained from your involvement.
In my nineteen years of life, I have come across several different majors and aspirations, but none of which remotely compare in fascination and interest to a business economics major. I came to the realization that economics is a global phenomenon and language that can be used by people to analyze a consumers driving force behind purchasing certain products and can predict future outcomes in the market place. However, my dream of becoming a business man was solidified by the CEO of Creative Environments, named Jerry Schneiderman. Jerry who is a real estate developer, entrepreneur and close family friend, theoretically allowed me to serve as his right hand man, executing certain tasks and ultimately allowing me to experience and learn how to engage in business ventures such as opening up one of the first Armenian banks in Southern California. During my position at Creative Environments, I was exposed to several different business ventures that allowed me to grow and understand better as a person, for example I have to usually try and gather several different investors and present logical and thorough information in order to accumulate funds on certain projects. Trying to gather investors for projects allowed </p>
<p>so any suggestions or criticisms so far?</p>
<p>First off, this may not be a good idea. Posting this on an online forum that many many people visit may lead to someone who is desperate stealing yours.</p>
<p>It needs lots of work for sure. Doesn’t flow very well. You aren’t using words well at all. For example, He cant “theoretically” allow you to do anything. Either he does or doesn’t. The second to last sentence is horrible as well.</p>
<p>your opening sounded very generic and weak. then you started to describe your major, which doesn’t do anything to help you.</p>
<p>your second half is better because you are describing an experience. </p>
<p>Overall, you have lots of mistakes and you lag in sentence structure. Your flow is bad. And your use of diction is poor. </p>
<p>and yea, it may not be smart to post your statements for everyone to see.</p>
<p>Not very good writing skill even if the accomplishments seem good pertaining to your major. But then again you are so vague that I have no idea what you did at that bank. Also it is hard to believe a 19 year old could open up a bank. What is the name of this bank?</p>
<p>WOW thanks a lot i’m a business major and your personal statement sounds pretty good to me, this will help me a lot because i just barely started my personal statement lol. i wouldn’t use what you have now because i’m going to copy and paste just some part. srs no joke</p>
<p>thanks again brah</p>
<p>I agree with everybody about not revealing your PS to all of us, you should only PM it to certain trusted people. For a good editor, I suggest Wayward_Trojan, he helped me. You need to talk more about your experiences, your life, your story. The Personal Statement is about you, more than vague stuff about your major. I highly reccommend speaking to a counselor asap, especially because of how long you chose to wait to begin writing. It’s not attrocious, but it needs a great deal of work.</p>
<p>I changed most of the PS up, I realized that my statements sounds a bit robotic. Thanks for the input guys!</p>
<p>Hey, PM me, I’ll proofread and edit it as best as I can.</p>