<p>After months of visiting, researching, discussing various colleges, DS put in his first EA app yesterday (several hours before deadline, I would add). As he was working on his second one (due today), he got a bit of a deer in the headlights look and asked me if he was too young to be wishing he was younger, as in a HS freshman and not a senior.</p>
<p>Turns out the reality of going off to college and leaving home is starting to spook him. He did skip a grade so he's still 16 for another couple of months. We talked about how he could take a gap year and defer college if he still felt this way after a while. I suspect he'll get past it and be anxious to move on as the year goes on, but thought it was an interesting development.</p>
<p>Anyone else getting these vibes from your kids?</p>
<p>At this time last year, D was both applying to schools AND researching gap years…She was relatively ambivalent and by Christmas was absolutely dead set on the gap year option…burnt out on school, (read: really nervous), and whatnot. We asked her to just finish up the app process and then she could defer if necessary, and that would be fine with us, which it would have been. I see no real rush, actually in this day and age.</p>
<p>But once the acceptances began to roll in and her friends began to get acceptances and the focus shifted, in the spring, from applying to “where are you going?” she became very excited and the gap year concept was dropped. Two of her freinds did take gap years, though, choosing to defer enrollment, and I hear from the parents that they are doing well and quite happy with thier choice. </p>
<p>I think it’s a lot of pressure to put in those apps…And, wow, at 16! I’m sure that’s not easy for you, either.</p>
<p>My D was younger too when she went off to college in another city. She had that moment, as well, that "is this really happening?‘’ trepidation just before submitting her first application. I think it’s normal for many kids regardless of their age. It will probably pass. If it doesn’t pass, when acceptances start rolling in, he should look into which schools would allow him to defer a year and hold a place for him. </p>
<p>It became real for my D very suddenly too. I don’t remember is this was right before the apps went in or right after, but she suddenly started talking about applying to a local school so she could have the option of going there and living at home – this was not a school or an option that she had shown any interest in previously, even though other kids from her h.s. routinely do this.
It passed fairly quickly, but I think it helped that I assured her that something similar was always an option.</p>
<p>Wow…your S is young and no surprise he is nervous. I started college at 17 and my roomate at Duke was 16. We both had our birthdays in the late Fall. She did better than me…I was pretty homesick but pulled out of it within the first month. Both of us remember panicking right up until HS graduation and then suddenly looked forward to the change. </p>
<p>Several kids, even older ones, seem to feel this way. My S is on the other end of the spectrum…we made him start 9th grade in US after completing 10th grade as a 14 year old in international school abroad. I couldn’t imagine him being ready at just 16 for college (super imature) so we hauled him back academically 2 years (perhaps too extreme). Now he is 18 and a senior and he is chomping at the bit to leave. I do remember the moment that he suddenly started saying he was ready to go to college. He returned from a 4 week summer program at a regional college when he was just turned 16 and started talking about “when I go away to college”. It was a bit like that other huge developmental milestone–potty-training–he knew when he was ready and all the books/pullups/videos that I had tried were useless until he decided he was ready. Same for leaving home…</p>
<p>I have a friend with son was terrified of leaving home–big hockey player, good student, 6foot 3, seemed so mature–but had never even gone away to summer camp, hated sleepovers, etc…anxiety right up until he graduated (at age 18) and then the anxiety suddenly ended during the summer when he was shipped off to see grandparents and cousins on his own. He had no adjustment issues at university. </p>
<p>I think you are wise to mention the gap year. Giving them the option to back out and take some time like you are offering is the best way to take away anxiety. Also, if he gets in one of EA schools, see if he can spend an overnight or two at the school this winter. It is definitely worth the expense of a trip if it gives him comfort that he will manage fine when the time comes no matter what school he goes to… They need to feel that they can confront things on their own…so let him get to and from overnight visit on his own even if you can drive him. Let him pack, organize the trip etc. It is an amazing confidence booster even if it seems relatively simple to an adult. </p>
<p>We are going one step further this summer…our son thinks he is soooo ready for college. I am not entirely convinced–I still pack his lunch most days! We plan to dump him in Europe after visiting family and he will be instructed to make it back to Madrid for flight home on July 29. Like the reality show on TV…“the amazing race” or some such nonsense. DS is absollutely sure he will manage perfectly (language not an issue with fluent spanish). However, he was surprised (not me) that friends and family are already starting an informal pool to guess the date that he loses his passport. He is determined to prove them wrong…he gets the jackpot if he returns with all documents intact</p>
<p>What a timely thread, my D hit us last night at dinner with the news that she was getting cold feet. She has spent the last 12 months looking at colleges and, in the same period, doing everything in her power to avoid any conversation regarding her thoughts and opinions on the schools we looked at. We could not get any answers, she just wanted to avoid the issue. Last night she opened up out of nowhere and started talking about how nervous she was at the thought of being away, that she was already homesick just thinking about it and wondering if she should be looking at colleges closer to home. It would have been nice to know that last year when she specifically said that she did not want to go to college too close to home so she can meet new people.</p>
<p>I don’t think this has anything to do with age or experience. It’s a big step for everyone (except maybe boarding school students).</p>
<p>I was 18 when I left for college. I had spent a year abroad in high school, and 5 or 6 whole summers at sleepaway camps. I had traveled on my own. I still sobbed the night before I left: I knew that, unlike those previous experiences, this time I was never really going to come home again, and that it would be at least a decade before I had a stable life again. That wasn’t all quite true, but it was pretty close.</p>
<p>in about January of last year D had a total cry fest. Wanted to be 15 again and said among a litany of other things:</p>
<p>It was the best year and I didn’t realize it was at the time and I wasted it
I don’t want to go to college
I don’t want to stay home
I don’t want to take a gap year what would I do where would I go?
College will be just like high school but without the security of family and friends
What if I choose wrong?</p>
<p>She is now very happily away at a school which was her first choice all along and has found it to be not really at all like high school. </p>
<p>It took time… like until freshman orientation… before she was sold but she really hasn’t looked back. it is very common for kids to feel this way. You are fortunate that your S shared his fears. </p>
<p>Just assure him that it is normal and do by all means give him an out. let him know that if when move-in day rolls around next he doesn’t want to go he doesn’t have to. Oftentimes allowing kids to know that a decision this huge can be changed will comfort and reassure them.</p>
<p>Bobby CT: It isn’t too late to add a school close to home and I think it is advisable.</p>
<p>My son is going through the same thing. He has spent the last 3 years telling us how much he was looking forward to go to college, and getting out of our home state! Now, he’s starting to grieve high school ending, and getting sad about not being here for all of our little family traditions. He keeps saying, “wow, I won’t be here on my birthday next year,” or, “this is the last year I’ll be here to make the pumpkin bread for Thanksgiving.” </p>
<p>I think this is all normal. He got his first big envelope from a college today, and I could see the word “congratulations” on the paper inside (if I held it up to the light just right…). I started to cry! I guess this is going to be emotional for all of us - both good and bad emotions.</p>
<p>It was pretty much like pulling teeth to get my D even to talk about college, let alone to do the applications. She was happy in HS, loved her senior year, loved her life at home. Getting her acceptances didn’t do a lot to change that.</p>
<p>But within a few weeks (or was it days?) of being at college, we were regularly getting text messages such as “I love it here” and “I love college.” </p>
<p>Had she known that before/during the application process, I wonder what difference it would have made?</p>
<p>^^ thanks historymom but fortunately I anticipated this last year and we included a few colleges that were a little closer to home during our visits. Everytime she wanted to see a college that required a flight, the deal was we looked at a closer college as well. (Us parents are not as clueless as some of our kids might think. I anticipated this happening).
However, D being D, it would not surprise me at all if she ended up attending one of the colleges that are further away.</p>
<p>daughter is a junior; preliminary college list is all over the map…literally and figuratively…we have seen a couple of schools closer to home already…sooo, she sits down at the kitchen table last week and says, " well, I have found schools that I could be happy at closeby; let’s eliminate all the schools I would have to fly to…"…ugh…</p>
<p>Now we just have to worry about her getting in; junior grades, ACT’s etc…</p>
<p>Bobby CT You are a wise parent! My two oldest were both accepted to schools half way across the country but in the end decided that being closer to home was what they truly wanted. They ended up at the same school which is is about 3 hours from home. Gotta say that though I encouraged them to apply wherever I am now glad that things worked out as they did.</p>
<p>rodney you can expect that things will change again, probably many times between now and May 1 of her Sr. year.</p>
<p>DD submitted her first application yesterday. She’s been looking forward to college for at least 3 years and we’ve spent endless hours searching, visiting, discussing, analyzing, comparing, so we certainly knew this day was coming. Still it hit DW & me pretty hard last night—maybe especially hard because as homeschooling parents we had to put together her HS transcript, GC rec, Homeschooling Supplement, etc., which forced us to reflect on our entire 17 years with her and the reality that this is the last. She doesn’t have cold feet; not yet, anyway. But she was pretty sentimental, too, and seemed to want to linger just a bit longer than usual in the warmth of pre-bedtime family conversation.</p>
<p>ihs, S1 was also 16 when he hit the “send” button on his EA apps. It is a real time of reckoning for these kids – no matter how one looks at the admissions process, they are about to be judged, and that is a scary thing. It’s tough to pour heart and soul into an application and then have to wait to see “if you’re good enough” – and no matter how tough the odds and how qualified your kid is, it STILL feels like judgment on a certain level.</p>
<p>We made sure he felt be happy with the flagship (which was the financial, admittance and close-to-home option) and then let him loose wherever else he wanted to apply. A gap year would not have worked for him – he likes structure. By April, he was done with HS and ready to move on to better things and had matured tremendously. When he sat down with us the third weekend in April to tell us what his thoughts were, it was clear he had committed himself to an intense, mature analysis. It has become clear since that it was an excellent, if not perfect decision – but he has made it work for him in ways that his other choices could not have done. </p>
<p>I suspect S2’s reluctance to get on with essays reflects some ambivalence about leaving – not that he wants to stay home, but the people and things that are most important in his life are also changing over the next year, and it takes time to grapple with that.</p>
<p>It is TOTALLY normal to have doubts, and I’d let your S know that. He is not alone.</p>
<p>In retrospect, I suppose it’s completely predictable. I was just taken back initially by the tone of wistfulness in DS’s voice. This kid has always been a very mater of fact, lets get to the next thing kid. </p>
<p>As other parents have said, the moment of pushing ‘send’ really did distill many years of work and hopes into a single definable moment. More emotional for me than I would have expected. And for him, too.</p>
<p>My DD was young also - started college this year at 16 and turned 17 shortly thereafter. The cold feet were present up (off & on) to the time I dropped her off at school (on the other side of the country!). She is now happily ensconced at college and wouldn’t have it any other way. Already has plans for Thanksgiving on the west coast too. Looking for overseas programs for next summer. Good luck - it worked out fine in our case with lots of second guessing.</p>
<p>Thought I would resurrect this thread. Now that admission decisions are rolling in and kids are seeing the hard work on the applications pay off, are your kids starting to demonstrate cold feet? In particular, are they questioning their proposed major, especially if they were accepted into a School of _____ at their top college picks?</p>
<p>I think I talked DS, HS senior, off the ledge yesterday. I mainly want him to know that this is a time for exploration and you shouldn’t necessarily ignore the cold feet, but use them as an excuse to think and explore options. </p>
<p>I have seen it said on the parents’ forum that kids change a lot between application submission and decision date, so just looking for advice on this.</p>
<p>I know several kids among son’s circle who have insisted they would not consider going out-of-state simply because they don’t want to be that far from their family. And these are not mama’s babies, they are solid kids. So, I don’t think it is that unusual of a situation.</p>
You are a wise parent! My two oldest were both accepted to schools half way across the country but in the end decided that being closer to home was what they truly wanted. They ended up at the same school which is is about 3 hours from home. Gotta say that though I encouraged them to apply wherever I am now glad that things worked out as they did.</p>