Child is Afraid of Leaving for College

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi Guys, I'm back with some news.</p>

<p>Son and I have been talking, and he is getting more and more serious that he really thinks he will have trouble leaving home. Now don't all jump on me and label me a bad mother, but there have been almost no instances where he has left home and been OK with it. He never went to camps, could hardly handle a sleepover, and has just had an awful time with leaving "home". He has long assured me, however, that he would be OK with going to college because, and I quote, "his dorm would become his home". Well now that I am talking to him, his nerves are shining through. He doesn't think he will be able to do the outdoor orientation, and he gets incredibly nervous when we talk about roommates, the first few weeks of school, etc. This isn't the normal pre-college jitters, and I'm not sure what to do.</p>

<p>Any suggestions? He will only be 2 hours away, but he's still afraid! Help!</p>

2

<p>This does not sound normal at all. I would schedule a few sessions with a reputable therapist to see if they can get at the issues here. There are therapists who are quite adept at focusing on immediate issues and helping create solutions or discuss options while finding out what the real problem is. You might explain the situation together if he prefers, but he should see the person alone.</p>

3

<p>Absolutely agree that his feelings should be discussed with someone trained. It may be an initial panic reaction that will pass, and it may be something that can be addressed with some behavioral modification techniques. On the other hand, maybe he isn't ready to leave home yet and could benefit from another year or two at a local community college and living at home. Heaven knows plenty of kids do that and do just fine moving out a few years later.</p>

4

<p>Whoa! All that applied to D1...through the 5th grade. By 6th grade, she was fine. Up until then, she even had difficulty staying overnight with the grandparents while H and I were away. Somehow, she imagined us not returning. Thank goodness she grew out of that stage...I truly empathize. There were plenty of opportunities for extended overnight trips during secondary school...to DC, Vancouver, and other CA locations. The summer before junior yr, she spent 4 weeks at a summer program back east...took a week of adjustment before the calls and emails trailed off...now she is attending college in PA.</p>

5

<p>Thank you all for your advice. I may be slightly exaggerating his concerns, as he still thinks he can go...but I can simply tell by the way he talks that something serious is brewing. For this reason we are considering a gap year. I would rather him go on a 2 week trip to London and panic THERE than at college, where it could ruin his first year. I know, it might be a bad example - but what I am saying is that I don't want him to go to college and not enjoy even 1 those 4 precious years because of this.</p>

6

<p>Of course, there is no way to judge your son, but I will say that I think every high school senior goes through a moment of realization that life, as they know it, is about to end.</p>

<p>My daughter, who was clearly ready for college, talked about that realization at about this point in time last year. Not in a fearful way, but more philosophic about her friends scattering, etc. It all becomes very real when the college acceptance letters arrive.</p>

<p>Likewise, I believe that there are significant numbers of kids who just aren't ready. My daughter saw kids at her pre-frosh overnight in April who slept in a hotel room with their mothers.</p>

<p>I would play it by ear for now, but I would recommend several possible things:</p>

<p>a) From the time of my daughter's ED acceptance, we started treating her like a college kid in terms of freedom. We explicitly told her that we weren't going to be around to make decisions, so she better get used to it. I mean, we still wanted to know where she was going to be, but we eased way off in terms of curfews, etc.</p>

<p>b) I would strongly urge your son to go to his college's pre-frosh overnight in April. I think this is immeasurably valuable in easing the transistion to college and alleviating the stress in September.</p>

<p>c) My daugther lived in a college dorm for the summer after her senior year. We saw her every weekend, but it got her feet wet for independent living. I think this also helped in September.</p>

<p>d) Talk honestly about what college is really like.</p>

<p>e) Urge your son to get connected on-line with other accepted kids at his school.</p>

<p>If things are not falling into place later in the year, you can always defer enrollment for a year. If a kid really isn't ready, I think any decent college dean would far prefer a deferment to a miserable freshman.</p>

7

<p>I agree with Bettina. Seeing a therapist should be in the immediate future; planning a gap year could be a fallback position if a handful of sessions with a therapist doesn't take care of the problem. I just don't see the problem as one that is going to solve itself in a year's time, since it's been going on for so long. That's why I think some professional help is called for.</p>

8

<p>I agree that a talk with a trained professional is in order. You could also discuss with your son what it is about leaving home that makes him anxious: the disruption of familiar routines (e.g. in his dislike of sleepovers); meeting new people; taking care of his own needs (laundry, etc...) making decisions (course selection); fear of failure ; fear of any kind of change.</p>

<p>Since he will be only a couple of hours away, you might consider telling him that you either will visit him or bring him home on weekends, at least at the beginning, to ease the transition into college; that if things don't work out, you will consider enrolling him in a community college where he can commute. In other words, don't present college as a make or break situation, which might increase his anxiety. Also, since there are another 9 months before he will be going to college, you can plan on short periods for him to be away from home and assure him that if he is still unhappy, he could defer admission and enrol in a community college. This would help ease his present anxiety and perhaps become more willing to consider ways to ease into college life.</p>

<p>This reminds me a bit of day care. Some kids clung to their parents for quite a while over a period of months, others took to daycare like ducks to water and immediately plunged into activities. Eventually, even the shyest kids got over their separation anxiety; but it took them awhile to start enjoying themselves.</p>

9

<p>My oldest cried everyday of preschool. She didn't do sleepovers or summer camp. She also liked to be close to me. Eventually she slept over at friends in Jr high. Last summer she took a big step and went away for a month. It was a major stepping stone for her. But her desire was strong enough to push her to go. She had a life changing experience though those fears are still around. Going to college will be hard. She sees a therapist to help her. A problem with she has is that she is smart enough to know what she should and needs to be doing making it all the more frustrating. I worry that she will chose a school closer to home then the one that is the best for her out of fear.
Since your son is only going 2 hours away from home coming home each weekend should be fairly easy. Also he could try to schedule his classes to no include Fridays the first semester to give him some extra time at home. We know of several kids who go to school 2 hours away who come home Thur evening and then don't go back till early Mon am. I think it doesn't deal with his problem but it possibly help with his anxiety of going.
You also still have 8 months to try to get some independent experiences in him.
Best of luck to you</p>

10

<p>I have been stressing about this a lot lately. S has been accepted to 3 great colleges, a monumental accomplishment! But now I am even more stressed out than before thinking about how unprepared he is for college and how will he possibly survive in the college environment. Anyway, I sympathize!!! more about me later. :)</p>

11

<p>Are the overnights in April offered to ED acceptees?</p>

12

<p>Depends on the school. My S was invited to his (Columbia) but I think some schools do not.</p>

13

<br>


<br>

<p>They are at my daughter's school. That's all I really know about.</p>

<p>However, the info packets don't arrive until after the April 1st RD notification date, so if you want to get cheapo airfares, you will have to contact the admissions office ahead of time to get the dates.</p>

<p>We just put my daughter on a plane and picked her up at the airport three days later, so the whole thing was a taste of college independence.</p>

14

<p>Thanks...we'll contact the school...sounds like a good idea for both apprehensive students and nervous moms...</p>

15

<p>You all have been extremely helpful here, and I know that there are many steps we can take to help my son overcome his fear. I think that the first will in fact be to take him to a therapist who can help him face the problems he has head on. I have also tried to be encouraging of him leaving, so that he knows that I will be OK without him. I am trying my best, and I wanted to thank you all!</p>