Chores and Returning College Students During Summer - Any Problems?

Parents Forum
1

I have two kids entering their senior years in college.

I’ve had trouble every summer getting them to do chores.

I am a single father - their mother is disconnected, probably mentally ill, and lives far away. I run my own business from home. I’ve been overloaded trying to keep things afloat since their mother left suddenly, just after my son had flunked out of one college and moved back home and my daughter was about to enter college.

During the first summer, I took it easy on them, because they’ve been through far more than their mother abandoning them and pretty much cutting them off.

But what I’ve seen each summer is them spending as much time playing in the summer as they can - seeing friends, going to parties, sleeping in, etc., while I keep house and take care of the grounds. They’ll do minimal chores, usually with some nagging or outbursts. My son, who has ADHD is far worse than my daughter. His sister is doign spectacularly academically at a Top 20 college, by the way.

I’ve had to blow up three times in the past 10 days over chores not being done, after giving up and taking care of them myself. They did put together a chore list, but haven’t followed it.

One day, when my son went to sleep after getting home from work (he stayed out too late the night before) told me (after I mowed the lawn) that if wanted something done, that I should ask him to do it, rather than doing it myself.

I’m in a tough spot right now, trying to take care of two aging parents, a sister who is also in ill health (I do have a well sister who is also helping, but it is a lot), on top of everything else that I’m doing.

I think that they should be able to do chores and take responsibility without any nagging or even slip ups at this point in their lives. There is always an excuse - "This is the last time Susan is going to be in town before going to India for a semester, or “Fred from college is coming through own this weekend.” Both have said that they’re afraid about leaving college and getting a job.

Can anyone else share experiences they’ve had like this?

In the real world, assignments are handed out, and if the boss is competent, due dates are given, and there are consequences for missing them. I’ve thought of taking that role, but don’t really want to.

Also, do you people think it’s fair to give them additional responsibility for chores, considering that I have enormous additional responsibilities right now? I do spend more hours working than they do, plus, I’m the one who takes care of all the little things that add up, like taking care of the bills, taking care of their financial aid (which requires negotiation and lots of paperwork, and which I’m still involved in at one school right now), along with sick relatives.

2

My kids are certainly not the best at doing things without being asked (we are working on that), but we are of the opinion that if you are living in the house you are expected to contribute to the house by helping with laundry, dishes, meals, mowing, etc. We do it too - it is a joint effort by all living in he house. I don’t think it is unreasonable to expect them to take on more responsibility. They are old enough to be contributing for sure.

3

I think what you’re experiencing is typical. We told our children that we expect them to pitch in because they live here.

I would sit your kids down and tell them what you’ve said here – you’re overextended and need their help. Make them responsible for their own laundry and keeping their own rooms and the general living area tidy, then lay out the rest of the chores and have them take turns picking until they’ve all been doled out.

My kids sometimes rotate days to do jobs that neither one really likes. But when there are chores that one doesn’t mind that the other really doesn’t like, they work out which ones each is going to do. If they can’t cook, teach them a few basics and make them responsible for a couple of meals a week. Keep peanut butter and jelly and cold cereal on hand in case they forget or don’t bother. The only way to get them to change their habits is to quit doing everything yourself.

4

I’m so sorry that your kids don’t seem to appreciate what you do for them, that must be tough… it’s totally fair to give them additional responsibilities, and you’re right that you shouldn’t have to ask in the first place.

Maybe having a chore chart in the kitchen or other public part of the house would be effective. It would make it more difficult for them to forget (or “forget”) to help out. And perhaps have them sit with you and work with you as you take care of financial tasks; if they’ve never done stuff like that before it just might not occur to them that it’s something that is quite time-consuming.

5

Do they have summer jobs or is it all play? I ask because clearly they are getting around somehow and doing things so if they are not paying for gas/fun/cars my guess is you are. I would not allow things to be one way.

6

How different is your workload when they are home from when they are away? Do you think this is really about dishes and trash or something else?

You have a large load on your shoulders. The kids not pitching is is certainly a common complaint but in your case has added impact. What would you ask of them if your sister wasn’t ill, you weren’t caring for parents, etc. etc. as a baseline?

Have you explained that you need more help than you would normally ask because of all the things you are dealing with, and detailed those things for them?

I will be honest, my kids came home and worked or studies or did their art or whatever and didn’t do much around the house beyond dishes and keeping their rooms, um, messy. They are fully independent now. I now ask them for help and if they are within range geographically or visiting, they oblige.

No matter who does chores or what arrangements you make, the most important, long term concern is your relationship with them, especially with their mom gone.

If no one has time to mow, maybe it is worth it to hire a neighborhood kid to do it for this particular summer.

Hard balance to strike, so good luck with everything.

7

I think what you are experiencing is common in a lot of families with college aged children – I know it happens in my own home. However, you are carrying a pretty heavy burden right now with all your responsibilities and perhaps you should let your children know this. Express how disappointed you are that they are not making more of an effort to pitch in without your constant nudging. I know how tiresome that can get and hate to be put in that position myself.

For me this is one area that I have to admit to a total parenting “fail” – both my children are extremely messy and have to be constantly reminded to clean up after themselves in the kitchen. I have finally gotten to the point where I just close their bedroom doors and let them live like they choose. But in the common areas of the house it is a battle royal. I like order and no clutter so I am just going to continue to nag, nudge and raise my voice.

8

For the bigger chores like mowing the lawn, you should assign it to one of them with a day and time for it to be completed. Tuesday by 6, but if it rains Wed by 6. For the more daily ones, I’d ask them to unload the dishwasher right then, or pick up the living room before they go out.

But as suggested above, I’d level with them about how hard it is on you to deal with their schools, the grandparents, the lawn, the house. Ask if there is something they can do to help, and they might surprise you by picking something like grocery shopping or taking something over to the grandparents for dinner, maybe even reviewing medical bills for the grandparents. I have one who will take care of pets gladly, including scooping poop, and one who will cut the grass, paint a room, go to the grocery store. Neither likes to clean the bathroom.

9

I’m not sure this is true.

They’re rising seniors in college, which means that a year from now, if all goes well, they will no longer be part of your household. They may already think of themselves as living elsewhere and simply marking time in your home. The key words here are “your home.” Soon, it will no longer be “their home.”

So yes, if you want them to do chores, ask them to do them. But I wouldn’t expect them to be invested in a household that they may no longer see as their own.

10

Set your expectations and then also set the consequences when those expectations are not met. You need not be arguing with college-aged kids to help you, they are far too old for that. I would put together a list of everything that needs to get done each week and sit down with them and split it three ways, each person taking a turn picking that chore, next person, etc. Then tell them it is non-negotiable if they intend to live in YOUR house. And FWIW, they don’t need to be invested in the household after they are no longer living in it but if they have a bed and food in the fridge, they better be invested in the moment.

11

My two roll their eyes and pout. One does chores more easily than the other. When it gets to the point that I am screaming I then threaten to take the cars away since they are in my name. I tell them they can go out with their friends once the chores are done. That typically works.

12

I had a similar conversation with a good friend of mine. She reminded me that many, many kids this age are so invested in their own world, we are way, way, way down the priority list. She added, I don’t even think they see us as PEOPLE.

Her kind words helped me not take steps to turn it into WW3.

I don’t have any super helpful advice for you though. Assuming they are NOT coming home next summer, you are close to the finish line.

Good luck to you. That’s a lot on your plate.

13

@Marian true for me and my rising college sophomore. After the family left for a weekend away, which he elected to stay home, I asked him why he didn’t take out the completely overflowing recycling container and trash can the entire weekend we were gone. His response was, I don’t live here anymore (tongue-in-cheek). I was irritated to say the least. But he has been a good sport about doing his laundry, making his own meals and carting around his younger brother all over creation—that has been huge for me and his dad!

OP, you have some great advice on this thread. Communication is key and so is reinforcing the consequences you choose (I vote for taking away phone and car privileges).

14

My kids aren’t any better than yours at this, but I would hope that if they saw me struggling like you must be, they would up their game.

One thing that I think helps is to know your kid. One of mine will do anything with a smile as long as you ask him clearly at a time he is not committed to do something else (He did point out that it annoys him when I say “You COULD do that” When what I mean is “Please do that.”)

Kid 2 is totally different. She hates to be asked to do something at that moment, For her, I leave a list on the table and then leave the house. I may text later and say “Did you see the list?”

I try to thank them sincerely, which I sort of feel shouldn’t be necessary (they live here) but it seems to help.

H just waits until he is sick of it and yells at them and they do whatever he wants but resent being treated that way.

15

For me having bargaining power is key to getting results. I find that I am successful in getting something done when I have leverage. So if one of them needs $ or wants us to go to a favorite spot for dinner that evening, I will say “sure, but you first need to get your dirty dishes out of the sink, your smelly hockey bag out of the kitchen and your dirty clothes off the laundry room floor.” When they want something those things get done pretty quickly.

Chores? I can’t even think that far ahead, I am still just trying to get them to take care of the basics - clean up after themselves in the kitchen and stop littering the common areas of our home with their clothes, shoes and sports equipment.

16

We continued to do the same big chores we did when our kids were away…that included yard work. They did pitch in and help with things like dishes, and the like. But really…they were not washing my floors while,they were away at college so honestly, I didn’t expect them to do that when they were home.

Now…having said that…both DID pitch in with that housework…things like cleaning their bathroom, and vacuuming. In addition, they were responsible for their own rooms, laundry, and the like. We didn’t give them a nickel of spending money during vacations…and when they used our cars, they were asked to leave them clean, and with the gas tank on full. And they did.

If your kids had not come home for the summer, who would have mowed the lawn?

17

When everyone is calm, have a talk that you need help with the chores that increase because they are home. For example, laundry/cooking/cleaning dishes/garbage.

And if they don’t help out where they live, you will stop helping out with car/gas/phone bills.

18

OP- big hug. You sound like you are coping wonderfully with an enormous amount on your plate.

One tip from someone who has been there (four elderly parents-- all needing care- varying degree of help from the siblings involved)-- your kids aren’t doing what they’ve been asked to do because there are zero consequences to not doing them.

If your kid comes down to breakfast in the morning and the orange juice container is in the fridge- empty- because that’s where he put it the day before, that’s a consequence. If your kid is going out to see friends and reaches into the drawer to find a clean pair of jeans- and the drawer is empty, because he didn’t do the laundry yesterday, and it was his day to do the laundry- that’s a consequence. mildewed towel, no gas in the car, a phone which is over the data plan so guess what- no more minutes for the month, and horrors- the drawer in the kitchen which always has twenty bucks in singles and quarters for emergencies- empty.

That’s what it takes. You will be a basket of nerves during week one because the house will be a wreck, but week 2 will be calm and week 3 will be bliss. You do your own laundry and wash your own towel and make yourself a cup of coffee for your own mug but that’s it.

Seniors in college know how to buy groceries and know how to run the washing machine and know how to clean a toilet. When it gets disgusting or they get hungry or they are going out with friends and can’t stand to wear smelly clothes- they will get with the program.

And THEN you can sit them down and explain that you are burning the candle at both ends trying to hold things together, and the new regime of them pitching in and being adults is the way it’s going to go moving forward. You love them, and will always be there for them, but the days of you folding their laundry and keeping the refrigerator stocked are over. And you will always love them and are so proud of them.

19

What HarvestMoon1 said ^^. Having some leverage is the key. I think expecting that they are going to be responsible and do things on their own initiative is not going to work. My leverage with both of mine is cell phones and friends. If they don’t do something I ask them to do after a reasonable amount of time (and sometimes several requests) I take their phone until they do it - and they do it pretty quickly after that. They can’t have friends over or go out with friends if they’ve left a mess in the house. They roll their eyes and mutter things under their breath (then I threaten to take their phone away for a day), but they get it done.

20

This is typical, but that doesn’t mean that it’s right. If you live in a community, you have a duty to support the community, not just yourself. (And yes, we have dealt with a similar problem!) So make a list of the tasks that need to be done to make the household thrive and sit down with your kids and ask them to pick the ones they can do. Tell them they are the executives in charge of those tasks. The responsibility for doing them falls on them. If they only choose a handful of tasks, leaving the rest to you, call them out on it. Young adults just need to be educated about what it takes to run a household.