Not going to improve. Too late by now. No way I could get son to do things. The thing for you to do is to do nothing for them. Pretend they are not there- lead your life as you do when they are gone. No food, laundry, car, cleaning, cooking, use of equipment (cell phones), visitors… Be blunt about food in the house that you paid for and went to the trouble of getting. Perhaps calling a family meeting and telling them the new reality would be nice. We did best when son was only home for a week or two then away at an 8 week REU.
So many good thoughts expressed. I presume you do no laundry for them, do not buy special treats, clean a bathroom…
You have a choice. Get mad, lose your temper and make yourself miserable. Or ignore them and the above neglect. Could be you have been an enabler in the past and the last summer of college break is too late to revamp habits. Start the talk about self sufficiency after graduation. No coming home to freeload. If no paying job whoever ends up at home is required to do work for you at home. Prepare them for a new reality, there is time for that now.
Halfway point has been reached in this summer. No wonder you are stressed. Let them know. It probably has never occurred to them to act like adults at home.
^^ Who wants to live like that? If he doesn’t want his kids in his home, he could exclude them but one has to assume he still wants his kids around, that he still wants a family.
Just talk to them. They’ll either agree to help you or they won’t. I think they will.
It sounds like you’ve been a great parent and your children realize that. (They’re home for the summer, after all.) But that doesn’t mean they realize how much stress you’re under. I advise “just talk to them,” too. But also cut yourself some slack on the chores. Not everything is essential.
The kids keep underperforming because you keep overperforming. Time for them to step up.
I think that the heart to heart is the best choice. Explain your situation, explain what you need them to do, then don’t step in and save them anymore. Clearly, you are awesome and your kids must know this too!
For several summers now this is how it works at our house. I make 4 lists of chores. Each child (2) is assigned a list on Monday morning (list A, B, C, or D). The list must be complete by Saturday at 2pm. If there are still chores undone on Saturday morning I wake them “early” depending upon what is not yet done. If they want to sleep in, it all gets done early. Lists are reassigned the next Monday so no one does the job they hate two weeks in a row but all jobs are reoccurring so that I only have to do the lists once (for example, change sheets on your bed, vacuum certain rooms, dust certain rooms, change the placements, dishwasher emptying for the week, empty garbage cans, yard work, errands, etc). It may not totally remove the need to remind them during the week but it might at least start making them see how much there is to be done.
I’d have a family meeting and see what ideas they have. Maybe the kid hates mowing the lawn, but would be fine with cooking dinner. Maybe there are jobs it would makes sense to farm out to outsiders. My kids were pretty good about doing what was asked, but remarkably bad at seeing what needed to be done. I don’t do their laundry or clean their rooms.
Most kids are not going to do things unless they are asked. The ones that do are an exception. Sounds like sitting everyone down for a talk would be good. Kids should have a summer job to help not only you out but themselves. Sounds like they have had pretty easy and need to step up. Good luck!
You have a lot to deal with. I am sorry to hear of your problems. Hat’s off to you for doing as well as you have done.
I can see this becoming more problematic as time goes by, though my kids are not at the stage yours are. I think I agree with others who say that you literally should do nothing for them, in terms of buying their food or anything else. But first, sit down and talk with them and say what you have said here. Be frank and just tell them, that’s it, you are done. When my eldest gets lippy, I tell her that until she pays rent and her share of food and utility bills, it’s my house and my rules. As far as asking them to do stuff, yes, I just keep telling them to do stuff. They rarely do anything if I don’t ask, sorry to say. But as soon as I ask, they do it.
This is a tough time for you, but teens and young adults are so self-absorbed, and most don’t think of anyone but themselves. Maybe if they were more aware of how much you are struggling, they would step up a bit more. I see nothing wrong with dishing out guilt trips. Best of luck to you.
Wow, love your system @Cheeringsection.
I confess to having this same problem. It feels like our house is the Ritz Carlton (without all the employees). Food, laundry, cleaning . . . it all happens with little to no help.
OP you should try having the discussion, as suggested above. Your kids may genuinely not be aware of how stressed you are. If you’re like me you try to do it all and for a long time you have kept the balls in the air. But things are changing and other family demands have presented themselves.
I wouldn’t want to ‘run off’ my kids or blow up at them. That being said, they have to learn reality at some point.
@Boondocks - so sorry you have so much on your plate right now. I agree that it is worthwhile to talk to your children and ask for their specific help while also recognizing that they have lives. They are young adults now. This is a good time for you to see if there are outside people who can assists you going forward, such a lawn service It sound like you need your children to be responsible for themselves around the house and to possibly help with the grandparents at bit during the summer. They can surely pick up groceries for the family or pop something in the oven, like a prepared lasagna for everyone to eat.
My oldest is willing to help with whatever I ask, my youngest will moan and help, and my middle DD acts as though “clean your room” is the worse possible personal insult. They do have it easier, since we have had a lawn service since I was pregnant with them and my workaholic DH couldn’t help me with the lawn until late on Sundays in the super hot summer.
Hugs to you OP. You are definitely not alone. My kids will sometimes be cooperative and other times not at all. One issue is the timing of the chores. Would your son have mowed the lawn when he got up, even if it was 7pm? I would sometimes get annoyed at my DH because he wanted things done when he wanted them done and if the kid didn’t jump up and do it, he would just go ahead. My kids also like to argue about why the lawn needs mowing today and it can’t wait until next week or why the garden needs mulch.
I am on the side of letting the kids know how much you need their help, while allowing them to do the chores at their own pace. I don’t care if I have to mow the lawn when they aren’t around, if they are home, they should do it. I am paying for their college and providing them with food and shelter over the summer. They should certainly pitch in to make my life easier.
As for the “consequences” some kids may not always care if the jeans are clean in the drawer or are picked up from the pile on the floor. Or will eat out of the box if there are no clean plates. If the kid has their own car and money, it is hard to have much leverage to get chores done. Of course they should pitch in just because they are members of the household, but as so many have reported here, doesn’t always happen.
Good luck.