<p>If you, a parent, have been involved in the college search process and you see your child at certain school but your child is leaning toward different college- what can you do?
How much this decision is my child's alone?
Since I am the one who is going to pay for it I feel I should be happy with her choices, right?
It is not that other school is bad, it is just first school is soo much better and I can see my D in every student there, even the way people dress there.
She liked it very much in the beginning but then she concentrated on that other school and mostly likes it for the convenience/ close to home, close to city/<br>
Should I plead? Should I keep my mouth shut and let her make her mistakes? I believe if she stays in her zone of comfort she will never discover her full potential.</p>
<p>I think that the decision of what school to attend is on the person actually attending. That being said, I would not be able to shut my mouth if I thought that one school would not be the right fit. </p>
<p>I've found that we've liked the school we visited last. Has she re-visited the school that you think would be a better fit. Can she overnight at the two schools that she is interested in.</p>
<p>parents and kids, there are going to be as many different answers as there are parents and kids, because every one's situation is different.</p>
<p>Some parents and kids use different approaches to chosing a college. </p>
<p>Some parents use the golden rule approach, he who has the gold makes the rules.</p>
<p>Some parents tell their kids that they can go where their money can take them.</p>
<p>Some parents are not letting their kids give up a free ride for a more "prestigious" name and no money. </p>
<p>Some parents tell their kids this is where you are going end of discussion.</p>
<p>Some parents tell their kids, if you go here and want to transfer to a more expensive school they are not going to pay the difference</p>
<p>Some parents say that they are only paying for 4 years of college and if you don't graduate in 4 years you have to pay the difference.</p>
<p>Unless money is a major deal breaker in the issue, if the child is not happy at the college it is a waste of their time and your money.</p>
<p>My child did choose a school that was not my first choice for her (I literally cried having to drop the card in the box telling them that she as going elsewhere). Over all it turned out to be the best decision for her. She is happy as a clam and never had a moment's regret. At the end of the day, that is all we can hope for our kids.</p>
<p>Remember that college is probably the first major decision of their "adult" life. If we are ever going to let our kids grow we have to let them make decisions, let them take ownership and hold them responsible and accountable for the decisions that they make. Even it it results in an Ooops,it still represents a teachable moment and there is something to be learned from the decision. How lucky we are that they don't shoot us because we chose the wrong school.</p>
<p>The great thing about life is that tomorrow is always a new day and you start with a clean slate.</p>
<p>Show me a person who has never made a mistake and I'll how you a person who is really afraid to live.</p>
<p>It's got to be your child's choice - they've heard your concerns but they have got to be able to make their own decisions. I'd much rather deal with an issue that they made a poor choice and support them to make a better one than have my child resent me for pushing them to a choice that they end up disliking.</p>
<p>Lindalana,
as parents, our perspective on decisions like these are often disregarded because they hail from a "parent"...... my suggestion would be to review any other adult who might have been involved in the search with your child......for instance, the head of guidance from your HS? or a local fee based counselor? or even, someone from CC to spend an hour or so with you, your daughter to review her choices and why she is leaning one way or another. Based on your description alone, it sounds like she is growing afraid of being away..... but, I also read that maybe she wants a place where she might be more unique and not the "same" as everyone else?? </p>
<p>The third party, able to be objective about things, may be in a position to help your daughter truly identify her priorities as to what she wants in a school.....for instance, take both of these schools off her list and now review what she wants out of her 4 yrs.....then have the counselor review the list with each school.......pro/con vs her list....</p>
<p>I just find that outside guidance and advice is received easier and takes the onus off of the parent. </p>
<p>I thought my child would benefit from the social (and often smaller) atmosphere of a LAC.......the counselor we worked with saw our child at a university.....big environment for a big brain...... child ended up at a university.....and is doing just fine....but I suspect the LAC experience would have been more fulfilling socially. Child is not unhappy... actually quite content.....so perhaps I will be the one who learns that the bigger place gave my child a bigger stage to learn on? </p>
<p>If nothing else, a counselor might be able to help you with your daughter's choice? advantages besides closer, convenient, access to city etc..... good luck.....</p>
<p>My kids and I were pretty much on the same page. With D, I was NOT in favor of Julliard, but I did not stand in the way of the application and audition, which fortunately did not go well. With S, I indicated that there were a few schools that for reasons mainly unique to HIM, I would not be inclined to pay for. These included NYU and Tulane. I fell in love with Williams on our recruiting visit, but I could tell it was too small and remote for him. I do worry about the expense of college for him (Rice for D has been quite reasonable), but I think he made a good choice (Penn) and will have a great experience academically, athletically and socially.</p>
<p>Her reasons for choosing the school- proximatey to home and to city- seem a bit narrow criteria for four years</p>
<p>what about the classes, the dorms, the programs, her major, the ECs, the feel of the campus, the size of the school, if its Greek, if its into sports, if its liberal or conservative, the weather, ease of changing majors,minors, make up of students- mostly instate or out of state</p>
<p>Is she really picking a school for right reasons? Or is she scared and wants to be closer to home? Or is the other school to rural for her.</p>
<p>My D has told me in no way would she be able to go to a school in a small town in the country...no matter what (think deliverence or the hills have eyes for how she sees the woods)</p>
<p>So, tell her you want her to really think about her choice and list what she is looking for in a college besides location, she may on her own see why she is choosing the one she is</p>
<p>If you approach it as not attacking her choice, but wanting to understand it, and not pushing so much that she stubbornly picks the one you don't want</p>
<p>It seems as iff she needs to be clearer to herself what her choice is and why...does she plan on coming home all the time, and if so, she needs to read other posters who said when they did that, they often missed out on connecting with other students and events at school, and didn't really get into the whole experience</p>
<p>How far away from home are both schools?</p>
<p>You've done the visit/sleep over thing?</p>
<p>Since you are encouraging her to go wider, and you aren't trying to restrict her (judging by what you said about her reasons for choosing), I think you should trust your gut feeling about the school you like. Maybe it's time to go for another visit. You might have to agree to visit both schools again, but that's okay. Then put some effort into your visit to the school you like. Do some research ahead of time and find things you know will interest her, so she can make a better informed decision.</p>
<p>Ultimately, I think it should be her choice, but I'd probably move heaven and earth to make sure it's an informed one.</p>
<p>Regardless of who liked which school, I'd suggest she go to the one which would be harder to transfer into if she chose the other and hated it.</p>
<p>Lindalana: I have visited Knox and understand why you like it. Neat campus and from your posts you and D had access to many on campus and elsewhere. I liked the campus but did not like the area around the college (dance hall, near cemetery and railroad etc.. Galesburg has seen better times.</p>
<p>I have not seen Lake Forest and therefore cannot compare the two schools.</p>
<p>As our D gets closer to the decision time, I do understand the impulse to direct the decision, please resist it. This is our 6th child going off to college and if I have learned nothing else, I have learned that the final choice must be made to the satisfaction of the child.</p>
<p>Now if it was a question of serious $$ differences, that would add a dimension that the child must consider, but from your posts it seems clear that your D has gathered a scholarship or two.</p>
<p>I would speculate that your D's appreciation of your acceptance of her choice will go far to ease the concerns that you have.</p>
<p>May I add that the best way for your D to achieve her potential is if she is operating within her zone of comfort.</p>
<p>If the decision is about money - that is, you want your daughter to attend a college that is significantly less expensive than the college she prefers - then I think ultimately the decision is the parent's. You get to say how much money you will spend. </p>
<p>If the choice is for any other reason, then I really think that parents need to let their kids make the choice entirely on their own. It is not your life, it is your daughter's life -- so aside from the money question, this is one decision that must be made 100% by the student.</p>
<p>calmom - I believe on the money issue parents should set the limit that they will spend, not the school that fits that price tag. </p>
<p>We were very clear with our daughter that she gets $16k/year from us. It was her choice where to go but anything over that price would come from her in the way of loans/work. We also made sure she understood the future impact of having large student loans. After that, the choice was hers. I think it would have gone over poorly to have said she "had" to stay within the price we were paying. </p>
<p>In the end, she chose an option that wouldn't cost her anything but the choice was hers and she is happy with it.</p>
<p>I believe as do others, that if the issue is money then the parents need to have input. If not, the decision is the first big decision in your child's life. I believe, it must be made by them alone. And that is from a parent who bit my lip and kept my mouth closed even though I could hardly stand it. I am sure glad I did, keep my mouth closed, that is.</p>
<p>I don't think you have to keep your mouth shut, just not push in a direction</p>
<p>you can ask questions about BOTH schools and be sure she is making the decision for the right reasons, not proximety alone</p>
<p>I think that is an important issue to discuss as adults, it is her decision, but there is nothing wrong with trying to see if she is making a fully informed decision on ALL the aspects of school, not just location (which, unlike real estate, is not the only criteria to think about)</p>
<p>How is the 17 year old kid who is still in the stage of identity search and for most part not sure what to do in life is suppose to choose and make right choices?
At least we , adults, have vast experience to fall back on from where to draw our logical conclusions... ;)
Yes, it is my child's first major decision in her life. It just does not sit well with me because I do not like her reasoning...
Thankfully, our kids are pretty flexible and can adjust to many many places and situations so we eventually end up with happy kids enjoying their student life.
Short story- my D visited both schools, did overnight, liked initially first school much better, but is deciding to go to second school because it has safety button...
She does not make friends easily and second school offers her escape of becoming commuter student or simply come home every weekend if she fails to fit in .
I see such logic as major sabotage of whole college experience without even trying....</p>
<p>I totally understand, lindalana, that is what i sensed and I get your frustration</p>
<p>You feel she won't be taking chances and is going for something that she thinks will give her that out to escape weekends and not have to make an effort if she doesn't fit in</p>
<p>Its kind of like a bird being pushed out of the nest, but still keeping its wing hooked on</p>
<p>I think your reasoning is right and she is a bit fearful </p>
<p>There have been several posters on this site who picked schools so they could go home weekends and hang with highschool friends, and in many cases they were the sorrier for it as they didn't connect up much with other students, get the feel for the school</p>
<p>Those kids complained how hard it was to make friends, but then they looked back on their choices and realized they just weren't around and available to get involved with the shcool and the activities</p>
<p>What to do? Not so sure...no matter what- if you push the further away school, she may be happy, but if not she will blame you and not herself for not trying, if closer and she is unhappy because the school isn't what she thought and she is home all the time, she will miss out on alot</p>
<p>But, maybe she needs to find out for herself, you just need to make sure that if she does decide to switch, that she takes classes she can transfer, and that she realizes the extra costs involved, and that she may just not be ready for the away college experience...I bet she is, but wants that cushion. Are most of her friends staying close or going away? When she comes home, who will she hang out with? </p>
<p>My suggestion is to tell her you will not entertain her on weekends, that she will not have access to a car, that you are wondering how she will do research, go to concerts at the school, become involved in ECs, etc if she is home all the time</p>
<p>I think your concerns are valid.</p>
<p>Me, my Ds want a continent between us</p>
<p>No cable, no computer (its yours now), you get my drift, don't be mean about it, but don't make home so easy and cushy, that she wants to be home alot</p>
<p>set a curfew, make her room a guest room that she can visit, she does her own cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry on weekends, whatever you think of, not to punish, but for her see that going home isn't all fun and games</p>
<p>that is my plan, soon as they are out the door, their rooms will be cleaned out and ready for them to visit, but will be my rooms to share, not theirs to share</p>
<p>sounds mean, but i could use the space </p>
<p>my door will always be open, of course, but they will be adults</p>
<p>Lindalana:</p>
<p>since you asked for advice, I will continue to respond.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Please do not eliminate your D room and change it to anything else. It is her haven and believe me, regardless of the short term benefits to you, it will have a negative effect on your D. My Wife still resents how her parents did exactly that, so when she came home on holidays from school, she had to bunk in with her little sister.</p></li>
<li><p>For 17 years you have had the major influence on your D, her opinions and ideas stem in part from that influence. She has visited the schools and been accepted by them, she favors one over the other for varied reasons. Her reasons are not your reasons. You are concerned, rightful so, but to override her selection is fraught with negative impacts IMO.</p></li>
<li><p>Galesburg is not that far away, heck there is an Amtrax station within walking distance from the school. Besides that she can quickly reach anywhere in Illinois in three hours by car.</p></li>
<li><p>Usually the desire to be with high school friends evaporates within the first semester of college and by the Thankgiving break, so if you let nature take it's course, normally it will not be a major consideration.</p></li>
<li><p>Granted the crystal ball is cloudy, but your ability to influence your D is now at a crossroads, respecting her opinion now will allow her to continue to respect your's later. Remember, she is going to need help and advice for a good long time in the future. You want her to come to you for that advice and now is the time to cement that relationship IMO.</p></li>
</ol>