<p>My friend's (really) son was kicked out of his college dorm last week for the latest in a long string of problem behavior. This time he did damage to the dorm and some damage to a person as well that is being investigated by the police. Don't know if the school (large State) is taking any other action, but he withdrew.</p>
<p>This is his sophmore year although he's taken such light course loads he's just barely a sophmore. His GPA is a 2.2, with no higher than a C in his major classes. He failed 1 class outright and got a D in another. These were not hard classes, mostly general ed requirements. He was in trouble in the dorm last year too for smoking weed.</p>
<p>In high school this kid was suspended several times for just being unable to respect rules. Weed was definitely a major presence. He had some serious trouble with police in high school as well and went to mandatory counseling. The bad behaviors persisted.</p>
<p>This is a very bright child who got reasonably good grades in high school despite being a total slacker. He got a 1400 on SAT. Did no school work, had no school year jobs or reponsibilities, managed ro get himself kicked off two varsity teams although he had some athletic talent. Was fired from first 2 summer jobs, the third lasted but it was part time.</p>
<p>The latest problem behavior is gambling. His dad knows the site he uses and has watched him for hours into the night many days. Large amounts of money are involved which the kid claims all stem from the investment of a few hundred dollars he got for Christmas.</p>
<p>Parent's are divorced and he has moved back into his mother's very dysfunctional household. Her boyfriend smokes weed, there is no supervision, they are all basically nuts. When their 15 year old was recently arrested for stealing her brother's car and getting into an accident after running a stop sign, the mother blamed the child's friends. Her goal for this som seems to be to make sure he's happy.</p>
<p>Since he is of college age, it is time he starts taking responsibility for his own behavior. He is old enough to remove himself from the dysfunction of his family and seek the help he needs to turn his life around. </p>
<p>Bad beginnings do not have to mean bad ends. But it takes personal responsibility to break the cycle.</p>
<p>Wow. I've never been a big fan of the military...but this might be a good place for him. Though, he seems like he's too much trouble right now. Too bad nobody got to him befrore now. He's probably too old for most of the good programs I know of.....like Vision Quest <a href="http://www.vq.com%5B/url%5D">www.vq.com</a></p>
<p>Does his dad have any sense? Mom seems like she should be avoided. </p>
<p>What needs to be done to break the cycle should have been done a long time ago. This is not a short term problem, according to your description he's been in trouble in one way or another since high school. The parents have been unwilling to step in and get the kid the help he needs. Unless the parents decide to take a firm hand with the situation (i.e., kick him out of the house), there really is nothing anyone else can do. The kid either grows up or he doesn't - he certainly isn't going to get any encouragement from his family. It's a sad situation to be sure, but this is one case where there's nothing anyone outside of the family can do, and at this point, even the family's intervention is probably not going to be taken seriously by the son.</p>
<p>A student at our school with many family problems, made a perfect SAT, was admitted to a very respected large university even with his not so perfect grades. He was bright and angry. He dropped out after semester one and joined the Marines on his own call. He has been to Iraq and back and probably will return. He is glad he made the decision to join the military and if he has straightened up and stays alive they will have one very bright young man in their ranks. In fact, they do right now.</p>
<p>My sister told her bright unmotivated and into trouble son that she was going to turn him into the cops or he was going down to the recruiting office to sign up. He signed up and made a career of the Army and is an air traffic controller.</p>
<p>The military can make a big difference for kids. It is also a career right along there with fire fighters, police and those who put themselves in harms way.</p>
<p>The problem with the military for this young man is his drug habit. He would have to get off of pot totally in order to pass the drug screening. Doesn't sound like something he is motivated to do.</p>
<p>Assuming that your friend is the dad, there's nothing he can do. The dysfunctional young adult is living with his mom's dysfunctional household. Presumably the young adult's behavior fits right in. </p>
<p>I suggest that your friend go to Nar-Anon, Al-Anon or Gam-Anon, one of the organizations for people concerned about another's drugging, drinking or gambling. Your friend will be able to get support for the turmoil he's feeling about his son.</p>
<p>If possible, your friend should try to get custody of his 15-year-old son so that child has the opportunity to grow up in a healthier environment. This is the child that your friend can help now.</p>
<p>I don't find this character terribly sympathetic. When I read "damage to the dorm" and "damage to a person" I think, get him out of there permanently.</p>
<p>The 15 year old, a daughter, does not want to live with Dad and courts listen. The issue is he has rules and her mother does not. She has been unsupervised for so long she wants not part of any parenting.</p>
<p>Amen to something should have been done a long time ago. Both parents were clueless and I know the dad thought he'd just grow out of it.</p>
<p>The mother might go along with kicking him out. I think she must be a bit worried by this point too. The dad has some leverage as he has been warning her they should not support his being at college given the bad grades and gambling.</p>
<p>The kid is not very resourceful. He won't have a clue what to do if kicked out. Therefore, he may agree to a program. Anyone else think this could be an answer?</p>
<p>Another thing I should mention is these are middle/upper middle class professionals living in a community where this behavior is in no way normal. This kid and his sister really stand out among their peers.</p>
<p>I used to work in the substance abuse field. Typically, substance abusers go into treatment only when they are seriously feeling the pain of their addictions. If people protect them, they have no reason to get treatment. Yes, kicking him out might be the inspiration that the boy needs to get treatment.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, I bet that he has friends (i.e. peers who drink and drug) who will take him in. They probably, however, won't be willing to support him forever, so when they kick him out or when he gets tired of living in squalor, that may lead to his getting treatment.</p>
<p>One thing parents should do which I don't consider enabling would be to pay for his health insurance. After all, should he run into health problems, even if he's of legal age, since he's their son, they'd feel obligated to pick up the bill in order to make sure that he gets decent care. For that reason, I think that it's worth it for them to invest in his health insurance (which probably will run out after he leaves college).</p>
<p>It sounds like this kid is going to have to help himself. If someone can just suggest that he go to a recruiting station that may do the trick. Once he walks through the door the recruiters are VERY convincing, & may even give him the motivation to do what's necessary to be able to enlist. The Marines do an incredible job of teaching respect & responsibility. With this young man's intellect he should test very high on the ASVAB, allowing him to sign up for something technical which is very much in demand.</p>
<p>But what if he isn't mentally sound? I'm not a doctor, but it sure seems to me there is some organic problem here. This kid has no respect for authority, has an addictive personality, seems to have deep anger and who know what else is going on. I just have a hard time seeing him succeeding at anything without help. Also, I don't think his parents are going to go for the military idea at this point in history.</p>
<p>zagat, that was my thought. Some kids like this may be "self medicating" a mental illness. Pot = down, gambling/adrenaline = up and he's not finding a middle. Plus, no matter what they say, no kid experiences a parent who never says "no" as being a loving parent. He might really need some detox & some therapy and maybe some sort of medication to balance him out...</p>
<p>I think if the parent takes him back into the home (which most loving parents have an inclination to want to do), it should be under some strict boundaries or conditions. He screwed up at college and has some definite serious issues going on. If living at home, the parents could have conditions that involve that he must be in some sort of treatment (I think this latest incident is proof enough and cannot be denied), gets a job, contributes some of the earnings to expenses, and has a curfew. If he does not like those conditions, then he will have to go out on his own and perhaps hit rock bottom until he seeks the help he truly needs to turn his life around. </p>
<p>I am not sure this is scenario will be possible if he lives with mom but I thought you mentioned that the mom might be on board now to do something out of concern from this latest news at his college. I just don't see her enforcing it and she may end up enabling the problem. Yes, a person has to want to get help and not be forced to get help. But as he is still young and the parents are still supporting him or if he lives under their roof, they can insist on certain boundaries....start treatment, work, be accountable, etc. before going out on his own with parental financial support again. Otherwise, put him out on his own to fend for himself and tell him you are there when he is ready for your help (and I don't mean financial help). </p>
<p>No he doesn't sound mentally sound, so a full medical check-up is definitely in order. But it doesn't sound like his parents are going to get him to turn around - certainly not the Mom, who herself is into drugs. And what is with the Dad watching him play online poker for hours ? Would you let your kid do that ? I sure wouldn't ! So given the fact that both parents are enabling some sort of disfunctional behavior, I stand by my suggestion of the USMC. They don't have drugs or online poker for the 13 weeks of bootcamp.</p>
<p>Just that whoever is suggesting the military is nuts. The kid is not military material -- he will either wash out or get in serious trouble, and end up with a court martial .... the military justice system is not kind or gentle.</p>
<p>No one with an addiction - whether substance abuse or gambling -- gets better unless they are internally motivated to do so. It is true that the current situation is merely enabling and extending the problem. The kid is an adult, so the sooner he is living on his own, away from parents, the better. He may end up in more trouble before he wakes up and starts to seek help ... a true friend might provide him with a list of local resources to deal with some of his problems (job training; substance abuse treatment; etc.) ... but nothing good will come of it unless the kid wants to take advantage of those resources.</p>