<p>While you’re home, if they have the technology, can you teach them how to text-message rather than phone? </p>
<p>Perhaps if you text out to them once daily “I’m fine, all is well” it will feel less oppressive to you freshman year than fielding their phone calls. You can even program some auto-responses; when they text you just hit one of them. You don’t even have to read their messages.</p>
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<p>All of us a bit different in different settings, but for some people the dysfunction really comes out at home. Sadly, it’s not uncommon. I think there is probably is some connection between your father’s father sudden death and his insecurity. Perhaps combined with your mothers, they just bring out the worst in each other. They are good people who love you but are just not able to relate to their adult children in a healthy way (yet, I always hold out a little hope.)</p>
<p>You mentioned in your first post that you do not want to hurt your parents. That sounds like a noble goal, yet if you set that as your goal, then you’ll have play by their rules. And that is no way to live. Choosing to live sanely can hurt people who are not making/ are not capable of making the same choice. That’s something you need to remember as time goes on. </p>
<p>You may also encounter pressure from your brother to “share the burden.” That’s not fair of him to ask and it’s not your job to do it (nor it is his but at this point in time he’s volunteered for that job, even if he believes he’s being “forced” into it.)</p>
<p>I would highly encourage you to seek out counseling at the college you attend asap. That will help you weather the first weeks/months of dealing with your parents and you’ll have readymade connection should your depression return (which, of course, I hope it does not.) I would also encourage you to consider Al-Anon. It’s not just for those who are dealing with other people’s addictions. At it’s core, it’s about healthy boundary setting and maintaining those boundaries.</p>
<p>Of course, we’re always here as well. I wish you the very best of luck.</p>
<p>I can’t believe your dad puts up with a scene such as you described–mother having to be dragged away kicking and screaming? Perhaps if he is somewhat more reasonable than she is, you could work on him to persuade her to go to counseling.</p>
<p>Is there a good family friend or minister who could tell your parents they are actually behaving like children and to grow up? Nicely, of course.</p>
<p>In any case, find a support group or a counselor on your own. Their behavior is definitely far, far, far outside the norm.</p>
<p>Does your family have a pet? Maybe a cuddly dog would be a good thing for their empty nest.</p>
<p>^^^^</p>
<p>good idea…a nice small dog that will cuddle with her.</p>
<p>Maybe you should start the college/telephone conversation before you leave for college. You could suggest as a starting point - one simple daily text from you with just a quick hi mom and dad and ONE phone call each week. I am fearful that your parents will be the type who will track down the Dean of Students or campus security if you fail to return a call or answer your phone, so you need to have this discussion now! Go to Barnes and Noble and see if there is a book on this subject in the college section. Good luck…</p>
<p>I wonder if it might be better NOT to talk about this too much before you leave–the chance that they will agree to something less than constant contact seems unlikely. I think it might be better simply to gradually taper off contact. Start out calling every day, then “miss” every fourth day for a couple of weeks, then every third, etc. When they complain, just say how busy you are, and you’ll try to keep in touch, etc. Also, shorten the calls–oops, gotta go, class is about to start. Call when you’re walking to class, so there is an artificial time limit. Rinse and repeat.
Additional thought: you might start the taper not by missing days, but by saying, “Oh, I won’t be able to call you tomorrow because [excuse]. I’ll call on Thursday.” That might prevent them from calling the campus police the first time you don’t call.</p>
<p>I think she needs to address the situation before she goes away. Her mother sounds like the type who would show up at her dorm unannounced (amid great drama) if she didn’t hear from her daughter often enough!</p>
<p>It will be better for her parents’ mental health and hers if she knows they are adjusting and not sobbing on the couch every night.</p>
<p>(This story is almost unbelievable!)</p>
<p>This reminds me so much of that several page thread we had a couple of months ago by a college student whose mother wanted to know everything her daughter was doing and even wanted to be in contact with her professors and roommates. Being upset when your student goes away to college is fine, but needing to know everything your 25 year old is doing every single day is weird.</p>
<p>I have a very different take on your parents. I know people like this - some of them are in my family. Are they Italian???</p>
<p>You’re undoubtedly used to their behavior - they’ve been like this your entire life. If they’re similar to the people I know, this is the way that they show their love. Some people are very emotional and outward, so their “obsession” with you is very much on display for all to see. They may think that other people don’t care as much about their kids as they do.</p>
<p>My guess is they are harmless and well meaning. You have said that they are great people, so you should count yourself among the very lucky to have parents who care and love for them. Try to accept them the way they are. They fear that the world is a big, scary place and they worry that something bad will happen to you. By checking in, they are reassured that you are okay. All parents feel this way to some degree, but most suppress their fears. Your parents let it all hang out.</p>
<p>All this said, there are a few things that you can do to create distance before you go to school. Call them often, but it’s okay to skip a day. Email or text instead of calling. They need a bit of weaning and my guess is that over time, they will adjust to a more long distance relationship with you.</p>
<p>I think several of the comments that your parents are “mentally ill,” or that they need counseling are way off. You’ve been very clear that they are good parents, in spite of their over protective nature.</p>
<p>I agree with Gourmetmom because I know people like this as well. I believe that you can use some of the tactics given in other posts to create the distance that will allow you to comfortably live your life as you please. </p>
<p>I agree with Hunt about not talking too much about tapering off contact before you leave but to gently ease back gradually once you are away so it’s not seen by them as something personal and purposeful. Teach them to text before you leave home (my daughter taught me and it’s mainly how we communicate when either of us is busy). That way, it’s like sorry can’t talk because I’m in the library studying but all is good. Gentle but firm should be your motto.</p>
<p>I also think that your brother must enjoy at some level talking to them multiple times a day or he would find ways to change that. My brother still talks to my parents multiple times a day and he is in his 30’s, married and living in another state. I live in the same area as my parents but only talk to them about once a week unless there’s something going on medically where I need to talk to them more often. I’m not a phone person and am tired when I get home from work so the last thing I want to do is get on the phone.</p>
<p>Good luck to you and congrats on your college acceptances! This transition will be difficult for your parents no matter what you do but by understanding that and looking for ways to create space gently, it can be positive in the long run for all of you. It will get better and easier with time.</p>
<p>Short calls. In a noisy environment. At a time when you know it’s not really convenient for them.</p>
<p>That’s what my son does to us!</p>
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Haha - when my youngest D went off to college my W and I decided it was too quiet around here so we went out and adopted a dog - i.e. I replaced my D with a dog!</p>
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I’m one of those who mentioned ‘counseling’ for the parents and I don’t think it’s off at all. These parents are clearly not handling the separation from the kids very well and are projecting those issues onto the kids (including a 25 y/o) which is causing anxiety and possibly thrusting some unjustified guilt upon those kids. Counseling might help the parents determine the root issue of why they’re behaving as they do. It might also suggest some changes in behavior that they might be able to make to improve their own lives as well as improve the lives of their kids as well as teach their kids to ‘become adults’ rather than continue in the protective parent/dependent child relationship forever. This has nothing to do with whether the parents are basically good parents - they just need to understand that projecting their anxieties onto their kids is not helping those kids mature and is causing unneeded friction in the relationship.</p>
<p>“I think several of the comments that your parents are “mentally ill,” or that they need counseling are way off. You’ve been very clear that they are good parents, in spite of their over protective nature.”</p>
<p>It is a fallacy to think that advising counseling is an insult or is indicating that someone is, for instance, seriously mentally ill such as having psychosis.</p>
<p>Counseling can be of benefit to many otherwise healthy people who are having adjustment problems due to changes occurring in their lives.</p>
<p>This type of behavior (screaming/crying scene when dropping kid at college, calling adult son several times a day, ruining kid’s birthday with emotional displays, etc.) is abnormal in MY culture. I’d say “personality disorder.” Does this mom always have to make herself “the center of attention?”</p>
<p>OP–It is hard to know what is “normal” when you’ve been living with this for most of your life.
When you go away to college (and I think you need to go away), you’ll see how other parents act. (NOT like this.)</p>
<p>Counseling could help, but if your parents don’t “believe” in it, they’re not going to go. Maybe your school counselor could give you some advice.</p>
<p>(Funny-- do I remember correctly that in both of these “crazy mom” threads–the mom is/was a high school teacher?)</p>
<p>I’m really sorry you (and your brother) have to deal with parents like that during what should be an exciting time in your senior year. I showed this to my college Freshman son (he’s away at college) and he said to please respond and tell her this is not normal behavior for parents. He appreciates that we aren’t clingy and he’s an only child. We only spoke to him 2 or 3 times during his Fall semester but do send messages here and there on Facebook. Facebook might be an idea to wean them off of the phone calls. Best of luck to you!</p>
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<p>Good parents can be mentally ill and many good parents have participated in counseling. </p>
<p>I have dealt with chronic mental illness for 25 years. I have been to counseling many times over the years. I am a very good parent. Part of my job as a parent is to be sure that my child goes out into the world clear on the fact that he is not responsible for my emotional well-being. The idea that I would be sobbing and anxious if he did not call me back right away is too much of a burden to put on a young adult. </p>
<p>Further, it sets up my son for a life time of unhappiness because he too will turn to others to “make things better.” Interdependence is the goal, not perpetuating a cycle of unhealthy dependence.</p>
<p>From the OPs comments, it seems unlikely that her parents will ever pursue counseling and from what I can ascertain, it probably isn’t necessary. From my perspective, this behavior is in the “wide range of normal,” and OP can learn to effectively deal with her parents.</p>
<p>Raising the level of hysteria may actually be the worst thing the OP can do. These parents are highly-charged emotional types.</p>
<p>Does anyone remember “My Big Fat Greek Wedding?” Maybe they all needed counseling and anti-anxiety medication. It would have made for a boring movie!</p>
<p>“I replaced my D with a dog!”</p>
<p>Guilty as charged here too… Although now when she comes home, DD is jealous of the attention we give the dog! Haha</p>
<p>Gourmentmom, You’re going to have to remind where in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” they called their daughter called them six times and they called her 3 times, getting frantic when she didn’t answer once. </p>
<p>I know there is a wide range of normal, but normalizing nine phone calls in one day normal between an adult child and their parents does not fall into it.</p>