@ Tigerwife. I think a storage unit might actually be a solution, at least temporarily. If you (they) can afford a storage unit, it may be worth the cost, even for a few years. I’m guessing your parents need a period of mourning. Yes, just stuff to you, but for them, it is a lifetime of memories, as well as continued dreams (items they want to share with grandchildren or future grandchildren). They’re not ready to purge those memories and dreams yet, but might be several years from now.
I was advised to hold onto my last parent’s stuff for at least a year after they died. Again a time of mourning, albeit for family. Some stuff I got rid of right away. Some sat in 1/2 of my garage for a year. But most made it’s way out the door eventually. Perhaps it is equivilent to taking off the bandage bit by bit rather than all at once, but it worked for me. It was also fun to see so much go to the children of friends who were starting their first apartments.
I’m a cleared person who used to be cleared and cleaned. I gave up several years ago. Husband and daughter are both clutterers. They do not seem to recognize dirt.
As far as “deep cleaning” goes, that may be subjective. When our Merry Maids come, they clean all the baseboards, the ceiling fans, dust any bookshelves/display shelves (though we don’t have many of those in our current house), scrub toilets (we have 4 and 1/2 bathrooms) , tubs, mirrors, all the sinks, etc. They sweep, vacuum, or mop every floor surface. This is the kind of stuff I could do myself but don’t really want to, so those things I consider deep cleaning. I happily keep my kitchen and my own bathroom pretty immaculate, but I’d give up a lot of things before I’d give up the twice a month cleaning crew. I don’t buy lots of clothes or jewelry or shoes or handbags, so this is my luxury purchase. Lots of people have different priorities and are perfectly content to do all the cleaning a house requires.
When it comes to immune systems, no house can be sterile, so that point doesn’t really fly with me. A clean house doesn’t weaken the immune system-we are all still exposed to dirt, germs, etc., at home and wherever we go. My DH had cancer 14 years ago, and hasn’t had so much as a cold since he finished chemo. I’m not quite as hardy-usually get a couple of colds per year, though with Covid, staying home more, and double masking when I go out, I was not sick at all this year.
There is no “right” answer to the OP’s question-simply what is right for all of us. Unless a house is seriously filthy or there is a true hoarding problem, or family members have such different feelings about it that there is conflict or deep resentment, it’s really just a matter of “to each his own.”
Yep, I’m going tomorrow to rent one. We’ve actually already moved and unpacked all of their sentimental items, including all the china and crystal and family heirloom type items. We went a couple weeks ago and packed it all up and brought it to our house. I’ve told them repeatedly if they love it, keep it; we’ll figure it out where to place it in the house. We’d left half the cabinets and half the closets empty for them when we moved into our house. It’s the stuff like paper plates and napkins (they have 2 large storage cabinets full) and 200 bottles of wine (no one in our family drinks), boxes of new flatwear that was never opened/used, small appliances they never used (if only they had a working toaster , you’d have to see my thread). That’s the stuff I tried to get them to purge; things they have no seemingly emotional attachment to. That’s the stuff they want to give the grandkids, not because it’s sentimental, just because they think they could use it. I told them I’d have it moved here and store it until I can help them go through it all. I just can’t handle the stacks of boxes everywhere while we work throught it.
I do think many of us hang onto some things until we can find a “good home” (not landfill) purpose. That good home would not be with my kids, so I try to get a lot of things sent off to Goodwill where somebody will find a good purpose. Harder is the sentimental stuff, from family and my mother.
My MIL is convinced that we or our kids will eventually want family antiques/heirlooms/art. The fact is, none of us want them, but we continue to lug them from house to house or storage facility because DH doesn’t want the argument. MIL doesn’t want to have to keep up with them herself, but she insists that they not leave the family.
I have not ruled out the possibility that in general younger people will some day be interested in antiques etc. (Who thought they’d be leaving big cities, buying houses?) But I don’t expect my own kids to want much.
Definitely cluttered here, though I have been purging. H and I both grew up in families where we didn’t invite people over because of the mess. We’re much neater, but H has no clue how to pick up after himself. I’m constantly cleaning the same 100 sq ft because drips on the floor, food on the table, empty medicine bottles on the counter are invisible to him. He never saw his parents clean, and it’s not important to him. Until it is.
I have managed to corral my sewing stuff into 1.5 rooms now, and blew through almost 200 yards of fabric last year. There are cleared horizontal spaces in the living room and family room, though his rolltop desk in the LR is overflowing with travel freebies, he has covered the TV cabinet downstairs with receipts since that’s his new drop spot while he’s been social distancing, and our formerly clean office is a freaking disaster of papers, most of which can’t be recycled because they are confidential and must be taken back to his office for safe shredding.
I am not picking on you @CountingDown, but I cannot grasp “doesn’t know how to clean up after himself”. These are choices, no? I mean, in school you learn (whether you follow through) about keeping your desk or cubbie clean. Offices have standards. You go to other people’s house and help pick up after a meal. Life things. No picking up at home is a choice, no?
Humans don’t all care about the same things, including clutter. Some folks are perfectly fine with clothes around the floor/furniture and only cleaning what dishes need to be used when they need to be used. Other things like stacks of junk mail or recyclables/trash/whatever are similar.
People can do different things at other people’s houses or at work, but when at home, many like to only do what matters to them.
For the most part, there’s nothing wrong with that - just like our other choices (travel, car choice, favorite food differences, etc). I’d argue that my dad’s Hoarder extreme had some “dangerous” aspects to it, but as I’ve learned in other discussions, not really more than what some people choose to do with their lives with extreme sports (free climbing or similar).
It really is, “To each their own.” When there’s a couple living together whether married or roommates or whatever, they need to come to their own terms so each can have some space and feel comfortable. It shouldn’t default to one or the other 100% of the time. Among my college friends it certainly helped when similar minded people roomed together. For H and I we have a policy that if someone bothers someone, they take that “job” over. eg I always load the dishwasher and do laundry - he tends to keep the stovetop cleaned to his standards. We each have areas of the house that house “our” stuff however we want it.
Others might not be content if they visit, but we don’t care TBH. This is our castle. We don’t feel the need to change theirs and they shouldn’t feel the need to change ours.
ps I learned a bit of this while wondering how to help my dad get over his Hoardering self and seeking advice from folks. It’s who he was. Since he didn’t want to change and would have been quite unhappy changing, why should I insist he conform to my ways? He’s allowed to be happy in his house.
My choices of words was just quoting another posters choice of words. That’s how she described her situation “he doesn’t know how to clean up after himself”.
The trouble with the “our castle” motto is if the people in the castle differ on clean/cleared/clutter. Lines have to be drawn somewhere. One thing I’m hearing on this thread is that it often seems one sided:
“I like things cleared, but I put up with his/her messiness to keep the peace” (example)
RARELY, do I hear:
“I’m pretty messy. But to make him/her happy I clear and clean”.
Why are the cleared/cleaned the ones who make compensation in a home?
They usually aren’t the only ones. They’re just the only ones who continue to see “a mess” when the place is half cleaned. Envision how the place would look if only the cluttered person lived there and no one else. That’s their comfort spot.
I’ve definitely seen divorces happen over levels of cleanliness when one or the other can’t stand a middle ground. Roommates often change too, though that’s obviously easier.
I’d be curious of other responses. I don’t think I’m in the wrong circles - Lol. Sure maybe a cluttered person cleans off the dining room table after “cleared” goes on a rant. But my experience - or circle - says that in short amount of time that dining room table will be cluttered again.
I don’t understand how different children from the same household can be totally opposite! At least ours are, and they definitely grew up in the same Cleared camp (though not obsessively so).
Our S is definitely a cleared/clean guy. While he was sheltering with us, he got all of us (including his very messy cluttered sister) to be at last cleared. It’s been a positive change and we’ve maintained it pretty well since he left in February so when he came back for a visit we had not slipped back into cluttered.
We had to rearrange bedrooms from a very young age (elementary or younger) because the two we had sharing were polar opposite. It worked out ok putting the similar two together. Fortunately they were all boys.
I thought about this thread when I was staying with friends this weekend.
Their home has a lot of “stuff,” in it, but it certainly isn’t, “cluttered.” I think there are aesthetic preferences that come into play as well. To me, clutter consists of items lying around that belong somewhere else, are better suited to being concealed, or need to be discarded. I also consider boxes and tubs of things that are stored away in attics, garages, and basements that never see the light of day for years and years to be clutter. Clutter and stuff aren’t the same thing. They definitely have more stuff than I would want, but it isn’t clutter.
One thing I did like about their home is that their formal living and dining rooms are pretty minimalistic in terms of decor. In rooms where they have stuff it is well-arranged and organized. I appreciated the fact that not every. single. room. was filled to the brim with tchotchkes and framed family photos.
I have to admit when I came home, I absolutely understood why our ds says our place feels like no on lives here. We don’t feel very “homey,” and it made me question my own minimalist decorating aesthetic. So maybe I need a little more, “stuff.”
, you’d have to see my thread). That’s the stuff I tried to get them to purge; things they have no seemingly emotional attachment to. That’s the stuff they want to give the grandkids, not because it’s sentimental, just because they think they could use it. I told them I’d have it moved here and store it until I can help them go through it all. I just can’t handle the stacks of boxes everywhere while we work throught it.