[quote]
One time, a bunch of us headed over to Greg's beach house for a weekend getaway. We had a good time that night and drank a bit and stayed up very late. The next morning, I woke up tired and haggard and feeling like hell because the caffeine demons had already arrived to claim their due. But Greg's parents aren't big coffee drinkers, so I couldn't find hide nor hair of a coffee machine in their kitchen. I was more than a tad desperate so I started rooting through their cabinets at an increasingly frantic pace. I cannot describe the relief I felt when I I finally spied a bottle of Folger's Instant Coffee Crystals toward the back of the last cabinet. I pulled out a spoon, and without giving my brain proper time to complain I shoved a giant pile of this gruesome dirt into my mouth. I didn't have time for that "add water" nonsense.</p>
<p>I cannot begin to describe how awful this experience was. Not because it's beyond the power of language to describe but because I don't want to ruin your perfectly nice day by inflicting even the memory of the experience on you, dear sweet gentle reader. Suffice to say that the evil stuff sucked all the saliva from my head, its bitter acid burned my mouth, the crystals ripped my mouth to shreds, and the taste was the precise opposite of a chocolate mousse. It was the low moment of my life.</p>
<p>But dammit, I ate it. For the sake of caffeine.</p>
<p>Wayne and Chris walked into the kitchen and just stared. I must have been quite a site standing there in my shorts with dull red eyes and mussed up hair, Folger's in one hand, spoon in the other, with crumbs falling from my mouth. No one said a word. I wanted to say something, but just couldn't. So I stared at the jar of Folger's in my hand.</p>
<p>And there, in clear, distinct letters, it said "Folger's Instant Coffee -- Decaffeinated."</p>