College application essay controversey

Applying to College Common and Coalition Application
1

<p>So, I have finally finished my College application essay, and am hearing several different opinions. Half of the people i have spoken to think that the topic is to risky and "bashes" on certain people, while others feel that it is appropriate in that it is accurate. All comments are appreciated! ( i purposely deleted the name of my town in this thread because i am unsure of including it for my actual application ) </p>

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<p>Upon looking back at my high school years, I can undoubtedly say that my interests as well as my demeanor have changed based on the people I have worked with and been privileged to meet. Based on these experiences, I have been thoroughly prepared to live a versatile life and can contribute to your college by diligently working with people of all backgrounds and beliefs. </p>

<p>Coming from a family of diverse backgrounds, I am well aware of the particular traditions certain cultures have. Whether it is the strong family bonds that my mother’s Russian heritage contains, or the elaborate French cuisine on my father’s side, I am thankful to be a part of these various upbringings. Regardless, it is somewhat difficult to find my true place amongst these cultures, being that I spent my high school career in a rather culturally deprived town. Xxxx, NY , a minute town which consists of mainly Caucasian-Christians has very little foreign influence and has been that way since its existence. While I myself have never felt isolated or unwanted in this town, I could not help but notice the accepting attitudes children had towards foreigners in the various Countries I have visited. I learned to understand that it was not the free will of my xxxxx friends to be wary of those with different backgrounds however, it was their lineage which caused them to do so. </p>

<p>This summer in particular, I attended a selective program in West Hartford, Connecticut called the World Scholar Athlete Games. These games were a way for people to come from most Countries across the world and live with one another while connecting through the universal language of sports. For two weeks, I learned the cultures of a variety of Countries, and was educated in how each of these cultures had their own uniqueness. This program allowed for me to become more receptive to ideas and ways in which diverse people can work together in order to achieve their goals. </p>

<p>When attending college, I plan on continuing to study the types of interactions people of different backgrounds have, and I expect to prepare myself for a profession that allows me to work closely with these people. I feel that in today’s society, too many conflicts are caused based on the refusal to recognize and respect the beliefs of others, which is why I would like to educate these people based on the experiences I have had. As social influence continues to vary worldwide, I am looking to be further educated so that I can increase both mine and global awareness.</p>

2

<p>I would say that you do seem to give off the impression that you think you’re better than your friends from your town in the second paragraph, which might put some people off.</p>

<p>Also countries shouldn’t begin with a capital letter as it isn’t a proper noun.</p>

3

<p>An application essay is meant to show, not tell. All you do here is tell about youself. You may get plenty of responses here, but you need to google what college essays are about and how to show yourself through them. </p>

<p>It doesn’t matter if some people agree your comments are “accurate.”</p>

4

<p>I agree with the “show, not tell” advice, and also be wary of overgeneralizing. try to shift the focus away from “how they’re flawed from being like this and I’m not.” try to rework it to be very subtle and more tasteful</p>

5

<p>Congrats on getting this far! I don’t think you come across as too harsh in your essay, but I do think there is room for improvement. The best essays teach the reader about the author. I believe you’re missing an opportunity to discuss your views and experiences vs the views of your town. Do you have a story that illustrates your experiences with diversity in your town?</p>

<p>On another note, sometimes it’s very helpful to read example essays on a similar theme to see what methods are effective.</p>