<p>Our son, a senior, has slowly begun to engage with the process of visiting schools and honing his final college list. It seems, however, the the more schools he sees (he has seen 5 now) the more confused he becomes. </p>
<p>In April we looked at 2 main contenders, both of which he really liked a lot and said he could see himself at. One of these he was so enthused with that he was determined to apply ED. Since then, however, he now claims that he never liked one of these schools at all (huh?), and the first choice apparent dream school he is now getting cold feet over regarding the ED possibility. He has begun to criticize this school on the basis of what seem to me to be very petty details (the topography is "too flat", for example.) Two more schools that we saw this week seem to have only served to befuddle him more.</p>
<p>I think he is scared and finding that comparing schools is not so black and white-- that each place has its advantages and drawbacks, and that they are hard for him to measure against each other. But I would hate to see him eliminate places that I think would really be fabulous matches for him.</p>
<p>I expect that this kind of head spinning indecision is common for kids going through the process. But he is frankly sometimes so irrational that it's hard to know what, if anything, we should do. For now, we are just laying low and trying to let the dust settle. Anyone have similar experiences? Did your children recover their cognitive faculties? My head has been spinning lately-- the ultimate was the other day when he announced "I am NOT interested in music!!" This from a kid who literally spends his every waking moment playing, composing, arranging, performing, or listening to music. Huh??</p>
<p>This is precisely why I would never recommend an ED app to anyone; the school that your child falls in love with in the summer or fall is not necessarily the one that they love the most in the spring of senior year. My D said "no, absolutely not" to our flagship State U and agreed to visit as a favor to me (I wanted her to consider it as a financial as well as academic safety). After she visited, was accepted, and attended an accepted students day, it became her #1 choice. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, the school she had previously considered her #1 choice for over a year ended up giving her the second worst aid package and was quickly eliminated.</p>
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This got a "LOL" out of me! I grew up in a very hilly area, and one of the reasons I chose my college was because it had a flat campus! The teenage mind works in strange ways...</p>
<p>S. was also overwhelmed by the choices. It helped when someone told him it was okay to use non-academic criteria for putting a school on his list. Such as, number of out of state/international kids, within two hours drive of snow,etc. In the end, these weren't the most important criteria, but it helped narrow a very long list of places that would have been a fine fit.</p>
<p>My son seems to be very similar. It's part of growing up.</p>
<p>I remember being pretty random about my selection when I was a senior, too. The choice of school probably doesn't matter as much as we are made to feel it does. Only a very few figure out early what they want to do in life, choose the best school for that and stay with it for most of their lives. My only hope is that my son isn't unhappy when he gets to his chosen school. I always feel bad for the transfer students.</p>
<p>Last year my daughter stated categorically that she wouldn't apply early to any school where it was binding. Good thing. She applied early to my h's and my alma mater, non-binding single-choice, mainly because her hs bf was a freshman there (it's a great school, nothing not to like, so we weren't worried that she was making some kind of terrible mistake). Then the bf broke up with her and was a bit of a jerk about it, and another school on the opposite coast started catching her eye. The upshot - she was accepted at both and ended up at college #2, where she seems to be very happy, knock on wood. She felt so guilty turning down college #1!</p>
<p>Based on this experience I would say to stay away from applying ED. Your son will go through so many changes this year. My guess is that he'll make his decision at 11:59 pm on Apr. 30, and that's just fine.</p>
<p>momoschki,
What do you think? As mom, you've got to have some feelings as to what kind of place your son would be happy at.</p>
<p>If you were to sit down and make a list of attributes that you think your son (not you- be careful about that) would like in a school...for example, I knew from the get-go that both my kids would enjoy the full sports scene, seeing as how they love watching college sports on TV and had played sports throughout high school and their lives. I also knew they weren't totally sure about what they wanted to major in. They were about 50 to 70 percent sure. So that meant they needed a place that had some broad offerings. Lastly, I knew my kids had grown up in sunny warm Florida, and needed to be somewhere that wasn't TOO cold and grey.</p>
<p>Can you do the same thing? Then, maybe talk to your son- again, not about your aspirations (we all get caught up with our own hopes and dreams)- but about what you know, as a parent, about him and what you think he would enjoy. Maybe he needs a little mentoring and guidance- in a supportive way. I hesitate to advise that too often, because most parents take that as "this is what I want for my son/daughter"; what I really mean is that as parents, we know what makes our kids happy.</p>
<p>Haha. Reminds me... of me. I only ended up applying to 2 schools and accepted at both, one of which was my mother's alma mater. Deadlines start looming and I choose the other school. Or so I thought. Mom knew my weak point - she came into my bedroom at 8am on a Saturday morning, said she absolutely had to send in the deposit and which school did I want? I remember stuffing my head under the pillow and saying "I don't care! Just send it in!!" Guess where?</p>
<p>Common WIsdom on CC:
Only people with a very clear, strong first choice should be applying ED.</p>
<p>I think, when you walk onto right campus you might know it because it will "feel" right in an irrational way. Now that might not be where you end up, because finances might send you off in another direction. But I think there's some truth that you feel it in your gut, just visceral. My D liked the eclectic architecture because as she walked along, the rhythm of the buildings worked with her walking style. Wha? She knew what she meant, and had 4 happy years there.</p>
<p>P3T- I know just what you mean-- when we visited schools, S had very definite feelings. 'It just doesn't feel right'. I was baffled when the next school which 'read' the same to me, earned an 'I like it, this one would work'....</p>
<p>Last year was the worst year for our family - agonizing over which school our older daughter should apply. She was so sure about one school she applied ED. She cried when she didn't get in. The school she ended up at is a school that she swore she would never go. Now four weeks into the school year, she is so happy at her school that she could never imagine to be at her ED school. </p>
<p>I pushed for the school she is at. I was not thrilled with her ED choice, but I did keep quiet. When she got deferred, I quickly talked up this school, which is the total opposite of her ED choice. At the end, when the choice was down to this school and another one (higher ranking), I told her to trust me to go with this school. She did and she calls the school "a piece of heaven on earth." </p>
<p>I know my kids very well - their likes and dislikes. Sometimes they get side tracked, and they do need us to help them re-focus. Finding a college is a big decision for a teenager and it could scary for some kids. My daughter was such a mess at the end, we stepped in to help make the final decision and she was relieved. I am also very relieved that she is happy at her school.</p>
<p>The favorite choice we saw in April definitely had that gut feeling of just being a great fit-- I know all 3 of us felt it. I guess I am just concerned with the degree to which he seems to be spinning in circles. Although he denies being stressed out about this process, the simplest question from me (after seeing 2 new schools last week, I asked, "So, what did you think?") sends him into a tailspin, complaining that I am pressuring him. It is certainly not my intent to raise his stress in what is already a stressful process, but it's hard to have no information regarding his impressions and plans.</p>
<p>I feel like we do have a very strong sense of the characteristics in a school where he would thrive and now he is in a place where he finds petty faults with some places where it seems so blatant to us that these would be great choices. I am just concerned that he might eliminate these places and not even apply for some strange reason that he may never even reveal to us. It is extremely hard to have any kind of conversation with him about this now, and even when he very occasionally brings up something college-related and we have what seems to me to be a calm discussion, he may later complain that I was grilling him when in fact, I have been making a very concerted effort to just listen and not divulge my own opinion.</p>
<p>
[quote]
the simplest question from me (after seeing 2 new schools last week, I asked, "So, what did you think?") sends him into a tailspin, complaining that I am pressuring him. It is certainly not my intent to raise his stress in what is already a stressful process, but it's hard to have no information regarding his impressions and plans.
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Welcome to the MOS (mothers of sons) Club. You can often find us in Sinners Alley (Parent Cafe) commisserating about our sons and their Cones of Silence.</p>
<p>It IS hard not to have our sons engaged in discussing the process when we, the parents, are fully engaged. It is highly likely that he <em>is</em> engaged, but that - just as he says - discussing it and answering questions is stressful and pressure-laden for him. Because he may feel that he should have it all figured out; and he doesn't.</p>
<p>Don't worry. He will figure it out. His choices will likely fall well into line with what makes sense to you. But he will do it on his own time; and that time will probably be plenty of time to do a good job on applications. My son was just exactly and precisely like yours at this point in senior year. As I have written before on cc, he emerged from his lair, with no prompting from us, sometime in October to announce his top choice and his other possibles. They were right on target with what we would have expected. And quite right for him. He still had plenty of time to apply EA (which he did) with great results, even including merit aid.</p>
<p>So have faith. And steel yourself for the next parts of the process: he won't do the essays on your time schedule either :eek:, but he will get them done on time and done well :D. He won't call you as often as you want once he gets to school either :rolleyes:. Like I said, Welcome to the MOS Club.</p>
<p>P.S. If you haven't read "Accept my Kid Please! A Dad's Descent into College Application Hell," by Hank Herman.... run, don't walk to your nearest online or bricks and mortar book store to get it. It will work as well as a stiff drink or Valium, with no side effects other than much laughter.</p>
<p>As a card carrying member of the MOS, I feel your pain. It's important to recognize that for many boys they simply care a lot less about this whole thing than their moms. (We just can't seem to believe that though!) And that might not change at all between now and May 1 when deposits are due!</p>
<p>Keep helping him line up a decent set of schools to apply to, make sure you can afford all or most of them, and send in the apps. Come April 30 you can worry it about it then. Our son came down the stairs about 6:00pm April 30 wearing the shirt to the school he was going to send in the deposit for. That was plenty in advance for him. ;)</p>
<p>Boy does this thread ring true to me! The tension in our house can be cut with a knife these days. DS is adament that he doesn't want any input from me (which is like a daggar through my heart), he is stalling and not doing much of anything, and then writing, IMO, less-than-stellar stuff that has to go out (ie NMSF essay, and some internal stuff for his HS). DH hates conflict to avoids like the plague. Its killing me. DS refuses to even throw in the flagship safety application. Insists he doent want a big school and claims he hated it when we visited. Only thing I got him to agree to was to throw in a RD app down the road if he doesnt get into a school EA (he's got 2 on his radar, I believe). That's the best compromise I could come up with.</p>
<p>Add to this the fact that we have been having serious internet connection problems that the !!##$$%%% cable company can't seem to fix, and the stress around here is through the roof. Oh, did I mention DH is facing a probable layoff?? It all stinks. I am sure it will eventually work out, but right now I hate this tension. OK-- stomach is in knots as I type this. Just know, momoschki, I am right there with ya!!</p>
<p>Thanks, weenie and dmd (yes- 626 is bday- and yours is 7-7 right??)</p>
<p>The only positive thing about the impending layoff is that we can see if that would put us in line for some fin aid or something. DH isn't anywhere near as worried as I am about it (he has a positive attitude and sees it as an "opportunity") but I have a little trouble looking at it that way. He has a better outlook- In the meantime DS is looking at all these EXPENSIVE schools. Good news is we can still manage it all, but still, it isnt fun.</p>
<p>Oh, I hadn't noticed the impending layoff part. Ick. Been through too many of those over the years. Still, the NMSF->NMF essay really is meaningless.</p>
<p>Hi dmd-
Yes,I know the NM essay isnt a biggie, but he planned to use it as a model for some other essays. I didnt do a great job of explaining the difference between an essay for scholarships vs an application essay. He's looked at one of the books on college essays, but seems to think that "talk in our own voice" means "write as if you were talking to your buds" and it doesn't come out well. Sigh....</p>
<p>jym-- at least there is some comfort in knowing that this seems to be a common phenomenon among boys. It is honestly very dificult for me not to take this personally sometimes, when a comment like, "what did you think?" after we have just toured schools sends him into a rage. These days his judgment seems so clouded that I get caught up in envisioning bad outcomes.</p>
<p>My next door neighbor has a daughter the same age (different school) who has had her list complete since the summer, has the application process well underway, and happily visited 20 schools over the summer. It's hard for me to talk to her these days...</p>