At the beginning of the process, S23 wanted to go to college in another country, but as it turns out, he will be going to college less than 2 miles away from our house. We’re all thrilled about his choice, but I also don’t want him to miss out on the positive aspects of “going off to college.”
I’d love to hear from other parents whose kids ended up staying close to home… how did that work out? Did you do anything special to give your kid a sense of separation?
He has applied to live in a residence hall, but beyond that… ?
Ah, so I take it he has chosen Cal? Congrats! We are in the exact same boat (actually I just Google mapped it and it’s - gasp - 4.5 miles for us. Practically across the state!). D had fully intended to live at home all four years, but at the last minute decided - in part at our urging - to live in a dorm for the first year to meet people and have a more traditional college experience.
I saw advice on another thread that the student should make it a goal to not go home at all for at least the first month in order to fully immerse in college life. That might be good advice - but I think D will miss her dog too much to stay completely away for that long
Works well. Commit not to bother him to come home and not to drop in unannounced. You can pick a mutually desirable frequency to meet (few weeks …) – could be even outside at a restaurant etc.
My daughter lived 1.5 hours away. So not as close as you. But we loved meeting her at the farmers market at her school and taking her out to brunch /lunch. We could also drop in when she gave a special presentation.
Just act like they are hours away. One of the bonuses was that we live in a desirable major city. She loved bringing her friends especially from out of the country to visit Chicago and stay at our house.
Be prepared when they bring home laundry etc. It will happen. Being that close has advantages.
I also lived at home my first three years. My mother just gave me some space. But I did respect her and let her know when I would be home late or not at all. Again, don’t act like they are so close. Also stay off campus. No one wants to see their parents just walking around… Lol…
It’s like I told my kids when they went to overnight camp. It doesn’t matter if you are 2 miles away or 2000 miles away…you aren’t coming home every weekend. And you don’t need to.
Your son can build a wonderful college life as a resident student at his college.
I suspect that the kids will do pretty well, but it’s incumbent on local parents to give space and not pull the “Oh, hi Jimmy, we just felt like grabbing some frozen yogurt this afternoon, would you like to join us?” sort of thing. As The Who once sang, “The kids are alright.”
I think one piece of advice I’d give to any kid living within 30 minutes of home is to “pack light.” For @worriedmomucb and @tamagotchi, those UC Berkeley freshman triples are reportedly tight, so no need for local students to pack every last accoutrement and tshotchke for the dorm room. If something vital was missed in the packing, it’s easily rectified, and the farther-flung roommates far from home will appreciate less clutter.
We moved to our youngest’s college town because we wanted to downsize, could work remotely, and she needed us to be nearby, at least at first. It has worked out very well. She has lived in the dorm or in her own apartment all but one year due to Covid. She comes home for the weekend frequently, but she lives her own life, has a boyfriend, and is involved in lots of campus activities. I have never even been to either of her apartments!
We like it because we don’t have to travel far to move her in or attend athletic events, etc. Very convenient. As long as the kid is happy about the situation and the parents can give them the space they desire, I don’t see a problem.
He is going to an urban school, so a car on campus isn’t really an option (or needed). Also our family only has one car, so in any case, it’s staying at our home
After touring colleges up and down the East Coast my S ended up at a college that was 20 minutes from our home. It was the best for his major, he got the most merit aid, he loved the campus and the whole “vibe” of the school etc.
However, before he finalized his choice we sat down and had a talk. We (parents) agreed to never “pop by” campus, to not expect him home other than school holidays, and to treat him as if he were hours rather than minutes away. He (son) agreed not to use being close to home as a crutch – no coming home for laundry, dinners etc. We all kept to our bargain and things worked out great – he had a full and happy on campus life and explored the city in new and exciting ways.
And yes…once in a while being close by was helpful (ex. when his laptop died I was able to drop off an old laptop for him to use while his was being fixed, he was able to get home for a school break even though it was snowing etc.).
So anyway…this is a long-winded way of saying that going to college close to home can work out really well for everyone.
I think living in a dorm instead of at home helps to develop that natural separation, especially if you’re more hands off in the first few months. Though, I see nothing wrong with having a routine of meeting up on a regular or semi-regular basis if that’s what you both want! I think it’s a cool opportunity to get to know your child as they transition to adulthood. At the university where I used to work, my coworker’s daughter stayed local for college but chose to live in a dorm. She met her mom every Friday for lunch in the campus dining hall to catch up, which eventually turned into half of our office joining every Friday too. The daughter’s boyfriend and a few friends joined the group, as did my husband who was a professor on campus (and my husband eventually became the honors thesis advisor for the boyfriend). We were all so attached to that lunch group that we used to move the start time to accommodate the class schedules of the students. The daughter did her own thing the rest of the week and on most weekends, but those Friday lunches were their check-in/catch up times that helped them stay close. It’s been years since we had that lunch group and both the daughter and boyfriend moved away and completed graduate school elsewhere, but the group all just attended their wedding recently and reunited.
One way to make fast friends is to drop the dog off for walks on campus with the student if you are that close. I know a few families that do that locally.
Also, be a great host for those kids who are coming from across the country. I am grateful for those local families that helped out when flight times did not line up with delays, but dorms were closing. They can come home for the afternoon, but bring someone or a few for dinner.
That’s a great idea - the dog has actually walked around that particular campus a few times and has always enjoyed it there, and dogs are indeed a great ice breaker
Definitely - I’ve already told D if any out of town friends find themselves in need of a surrogate parent, they are welcome to text me
Well sometimes if kids have their car on campus, it makes it easier for them to come home every weekend, especially if they go to school somewhat close to home
Just chiming in here to say hello to other “local” Cal families. Our kid is an OUSD grad who will start Cal in Fall 2023. We were initially not sure about her applying to the local college because “spreading wings” and all that, but I find myself surprisingly happy that she will be closer to home than anticipated. Trying to figure out how to define boundaries. Can I go north of Alcatraz Ave.? If not, where will I do my grocery shopping after 30 years of BB? Yes we applied to a Cal dorms, and also had her put in an application to Berkeley Student Coops, to cover the long wait list and have a better shot at Coop housing for 2nd year.
I think you’re safe north of Alcatraz, and probably even north of Ashby too. But if you find yourself getting north of, say, Derby Street, well, best to remember the case of Icarus flying too close to the sun! (You inspired me with the “spreading wings” imagery.) Congrats to your daughter!
Mine wants to travel the world. Leave the state at the very least. Ended up down the road after a late realization that it was, in fact, her favorite school.
She did talk to lots of people who all ensured her that she would not even remember she was technically home after the first week in.
We give her plenty of space and she settled in really well. Maybe it’s bc it’s on her terms but she really likes that she can show up at a siblings game, or join us for a birthday celebration. Occasionally she borrows the car to do a “target run” with her friends.
She takes care of her own stuff just like any other student who is away, but a year in I think she feels like she has the best of both worlds.
If the college is 2 miles away from home, the student can just walk home to use the car if necessary. Most housing on or near the UCB campus has no or very limited parking, so it would not be that convenient to have a car when living on or near the UCB campus.
That’s what mine does. At some point she realized she’d be the freshman with a car They don’t need it for much but she takes advantage of it every once in a while.
if you are that close. I know a few families that do that locally.