College essay review?!

Applying to College
1

<p>Hello! Could someone just read over my essay and tell me what you think? I decided to try and stick out from the crowd, instead of making it bland and boring, tell me what you think! </p>

<p>PLEASE TELL US MORE ABOUT YOURSELF. RELATE ONE OR MORE EXPERIENCES OR CIRCUMSTANCES THAT HAVE CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR PERSONAL AND/OR ACADEMIC DEVELOPMENT. IF YOU HAVE BEEN OUT OF SCHOOL FOR A YEAR OR LONGER, PLEASE DISCUSS YOUR ACTIVITIES DURING THAT PERIOD OF TIME. USE A MINIMUM OF 250 WORDS. </p>

<p>Well, this is it, isn’t it? As a child, it was an absolute dream to attend a college. The multistory buildings and amazing architecture are what I believe drew me in at that age. However, as I aged, what Temple University held in store is indubitably what grasped my interests. To recollect, my direction in life certainly wasn’t paved with success. As a child, my journey through middle school, as well as high school, withheld one clear observation; my constant struggle with anxiety. I remember vividly my racing thoughts, my trembling body, and my poor heart which sought to thrust from my chest after every beat. One thought that zipped through my highway of racing, irrational thoughts, was this; “how can someone live day to day with something so debilitating as severe anxiety?” The answer is simple, courage and confidence. As clich</p>

2

<p>Essays questions go in the College Essay forum. There is a warning about posting personal info online. In future ask for readers.</p>

<p>The prompt is asking you about yourself, especially academically. All the stuff about Temple doesn’t belong there and takes up space where you could be answering the question asked.</p>

<p>You don’t give specific examples, as requested. You have a story to tell, but no examples. Instead you talk about roads and doors and knuckles which is just so much meaningless blather. You were never in a situation where you couldn’t feel your hands. So artificial. Tell a real story instead.</p>

<p>The first 4 sentences can be cut. The frst one is especially a good example of what not to write. </p>

<p>You repeat ‘courage and confidence’ in 3 sentences in a row, which is tiresome to the reader. You have some misuse of words like ‘withheld one clear observation’, ‘incessant amount of options’. You use awkward phrases like ‘indubitably what grasped my interests’.</p>

<p>Keep working on it. Strip out the nonsense and give something honest instead of trying to be clever, because it’s not clever. And I can see from this a nugget of something interesting.</p>