<p>My grandfather was born to a single mother way back when. At the age of five my great grandmother passed away leaving my grandfather to be an orphan living in their abandoned home. Almost instantly after my great grandmothers passing a rich landowner came to his school and asked the teacher to point out the child who appeared to be less motivated than the others. Not wanting to point to any of the other children who came from families with parents who were well involved in their child's education, he teacher pointed to my grandfather. At that very moment he was taken out of school and put to work in the fields to pick out weeds. Despite the fact that he was at the time he was a very good student, he had no one to defend him.</p>
<p>I would hear this story every time someone in my extended family dropped out of school. This story has inspired me in many ways to go all the way and appreciate the fact that I do have two amazing parents that love and support me. Despite the fact that they themselves never made it to college is just another reason to add to my list as to how important it is for me to value my education.</p>
<p>I've seen my parents struggle paycheck to paycheck and I've seen them argue about finances and its no picnic. Because of my parents bad decisions, as a child it affected me tremendously. I remember being at the cash register with my mother and having to return an item because we couldn't afford it. It was very hard for me as a child to face such a harsh reality. As silly as it may sound even now as an adult I always get a little nervous when it's my turn to pay for my items. When I grow up and have my very own family that is not something that I want to instill in them and that is the financial insecurity that I grew up with.</p>
<p>The unfortunate aforementioned stories of my family members to me is nothing, but pure motivation. Motivation to succeed in reaching my goal of becoming a neonatal intensive care unit nurse. I refuse to be a failure and just settle for a low income lifestyle as those around me have. I want the best, I want to know how it feels to work hard for something and finally have it pay off. I need to succeed at your university so that I can make my dreams come true. This is my education, it's all that I have. Which is why I value it so much all thanks to my family and their experiences.</p>
<p>Its not bad, but I think it could use some work. The first paragraph is hard to read, plus a few typos. Fix that and make it easier to read.</p>
<p>I would also bring something into the essay that relates not only to money but also to feeling fulfilled. Why do you want to become a neonatal nurse. Is it only because of money or would that career be a fulfilling way for you to spend your life. The essay comes off as just being about making money. It will be easy for you to talk about how mundane it must have been for your ancestors to work in the fields or maybe you could bring in how your parents not only made little money but also were not doing something that was enjoyable for them. Did they get up everyday and want to go to work because they felt good about doing their respective jobs.</p>
<p>A nurse is a very humanistic field, speak about it.</p>
<p>I think the story in the first paragraph is compelling, and your admission that you are nervous when you pay really connected with me. That anecdote somehow made you a real person, and not just a voice on a page.</p>
<p>What bothers me about the essay is how you portray your parents. In paragraph two you say you have “two amazing parents that love and support” you. However, in the last paragraph you say that you “refuse to be a failure and settle for a low income lifestyle.” Is that how you see your parents? As failures who settled? You say they made some bad decisions, but it sounds like you think everyone with a low income or who didn’t make it to college is a failure.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s wrong to say that you long for financial security and that you know education is one of the best ways to attain it. But, debannross is right - be careful that you don’t leave people with the impression that education is all about money for you.</p>
<p>I agree with the above. You do not want the college admin officers to assume that you only wish to attend their university for the sake of landing a job that will earn you money. As I see it, your essay focuses a lot on your desire for financial security rather than the opportunity to pursue a career you are passionate about. If you are going to mention your dream to become a neonatal nurse, talk about why you choose that career. (Try to avoid reasons that involve money.) If you are going to mention your grandfather’s misfortune of not being able to have a good education, talk about how you want to be the first in your family to go to college and such. </p>
<p>Really, you have it great at the beginning; but the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs gives off a completely different vibe. The subject matter changes a bit. Just stick to what you have in the beginning and try to correct the spelling and grammar. All in all, good job, and it’s nothing a quick revision can’t fix. :)</p>