Hello!! I’m really kind of desperate and unsure if my college essay sounds interesting. I’m trying to make it interesting but I’m not sure if I’m interesting enough
can someone please read and give me an opinion?
the following is what I’ve written until know:
Never had my parents spoke about how necessary it was for me and my sister to become aspiring daughters. They never advised me to be sincere, respectful,committed, brave, careful, compassionate, intellect, motivated, patient, nor obedient in life. They rather persuaded me to acquire moral values through their mere actions. What’s even more admiring is that I discovered a way not only to admire them as my parents, but to observe each and everyone’s most positive aspects that stood up. And just before I’ve given the chance to realize- my soul was converted into a magnetic field taught to soak-in all of these constructing particles that revolved around me. They all defined my ability to be logically broadminded at any time.
Throughout my schooling years, both of my parents weren’t always united, nor always separated. And with that being said, I alternated from country to country three occasions since first grade, not to mention within every country changing residency became a list of a 5 year old’s christmas wish list. One would say such situation should have distressed and alienated me for each new environment. But, I continually conceptualized my parent’s entrusted decisions to result in the best possible outcomes and therefore easy-going. At the age of 9 I traveled along my family to a total inversed world if compared to the New Jersey.
What’s an “aspiring daughter”??? Aspiring to what???
I have absolutely no idea what this means: “And just before I’ve given the chance to realize- my soul was converted into a magnetic field taught to soak-in all of these constructing particles that revolved around me.”
" I alternated from country to country three occasions since first grade" alternated is the wrong word-- I suspect you mean “moved”
What does this mean?"At the age of 9 I traveled along my family to a total inversed world if compared to the New Jersey. "
If I had to summarize what you’ve written in one sentence, I could not do it.
^ I agree with everything above. Also “What’s even more admiring is that I discovered a way not only to admire them as my parents, but to observe each and everyone’s most positive aspects that stood up. And just before I’ve given the chance to realize- my soul was converted into a magnetic field taught to soak-in all of these constructing particles that revolved around me. They all defined my ability to be logically broadminded at any time.” --> This just doesn’t make a lot of sense. In the first sentence, are you trying to say like “not only have I learned to admire the best qualities in my parents, but I also noticed these qualities in everyone in my life”? And I feel like the magnetic field analogy is cute but not the most appropriate in this situation. I think another analogy might fit this essay better.
I think I’ll change a lot of it completely then… the prompt is :Describe the world you come from – for example, your family, community or school – and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations