College freshman struggling with making friends :(

Student Lounge College Life
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Hi everyone! I began school at UMass Amherst exactly a month ago today, and have an issue. Since I’ve been here, I’ve been unable to make friends. I’m rooming with one of my best friends from home, which has helped me a lot with the transition I was terrified for. We don’t seclude ourselves to only each other, as we’re both in two completely different majors and are capable of being independent. My rooming situation has been extremely ideal so far, besides the fact I’m on a floor that is divided in the middle by some maintenance room, so that my floor consists of 6 other rooms, that are all girls. The girls are nice, but are all from in-state unlike my roommate and I, so they already have had their established friend groups for a while now so far as that goes, I’ve become familiar with them on strictly an acquaintance level. I’m not very sure I’d want to be closer with them anyway, however, as while speaking to them, I haven’t felt much of a connection at all.

I’ve also joined two clubs, which is all I have time for at the moment, and still, I’ve only become acquaintances with one or two people for the same reason. Coming here, I knew I’d be dealing with a party school, but figured with a 20k+ population I’d find someone who’s interested in the same activities and same amount of partying I am, being that I don’t drink or smoke but will still willingly go to a party every once in a while. Also, at home I was the “leader” (activity organizer, initiator) of my friend group and a huge extrovert. I had a few close friends and a bunch of casual friends that I felt more than comfortable going up to and striking up a conversation with. I’m well known in my hometown by my graduating class, all of high school I was never really under the radar but not directly in the spotlight either. Here, I started quiet for the first few days being that I was really scared to leave my family and be almost fully on my own, then I opened up a bit more to my normal self, but now I find myself becoming increasingly introverted as I lose hope in making any friends. I’m doing well in all my classes, but find it stressful to have nothing to look forward to on weekends.

Seeing people I know from home out having fun and being relatively close to their college friends while sit in my building’s lounge, dining hall, or my room every Saturday for hours on end really makes me feel like theres something wrong with me. Its far past the point of the semester where you can just walk up to someone sitting alone in the dining hall and try to build something, because either they evidently don’t want to be bothered (headphones in, typing away on laptop) or I find they were just waiting for their friends (my roommate and I have tested this). I get really nervous on the rare occasion where someone will talk to me in one of my classes or something of that sort because of how introverted and skeptical I’ve become here, and will assume its just a casual, strictly classroom/situational conversation with no intentions of being furthered. I get really awkward and self conscious of my appearance or if I’m speaking to/looking at them weird and start to think too much. I try to keep a positive attitude and think “I’m bound to make a friend here eventually” and try and keep myself in public areas so that people can approach me/I may be able to find people to approach. I even put up an anonymous sign on the community bulletin board stating my friend and I are two freshman girls looking for some friends, along with a few of our interests, and to leave their social media info below if they were interested. After a week of it being up, not one person touched the sign, so I took it down. Also, being that I’m not a partier in the first place, I find it awkward to go to any party, frat or not, with just my roommate, and just end up standing there looking around. So, when I get home after another unsuccessful week and sit alone for a few hours, I begin to think I’ll end up being that kid who transfers to a college at home to be a commuter student because it’s a waste of money to go away to school when I’m getting the grades I could be getting at home without the college experience for much cheaper.

I want to have the full college experience and make some life long friends here. I know I can’t expect to snap my fingers and find some friends for life, but I’m stuck without any base or starting point as of now. I don’t want to go home for Thanksgiving and have to tell my whole family I don’t have any friends and do nothing for fun. This was mostly just me venting but if anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated, I just really need some new advice other than “join more clubs” or “go up to someone and say hi.” I’m sorry if I rambled or confused anyone, and thank you in advance.

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Hi, you have 15 minutes from the time of posting to edit your post. It might be useful if you put some paragraph breaks in while the editing time is still running. Breaking your post into smaller chunks will help you get more answers.

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Hi, mtom. Many students face the same adjustment challenges. My advice is to schedule weekend plans ahead of the weekend. If your school has an outing club, sign-up for a hike or trip of some sort. If not, check the upcoming calendar and get a ticket to a speaker or an event. You can let others know you are going and ask them to join, but go even if you go solo. Putting yourself around others is the key. Ask a student from class to meet to study. Try to schedule a study session or event ahead of a meal time so there is an easy transition to break for lunch or dinner together. Don’t give up. I think “Fake it 'ti you make it.” is a good mantra during this transition.

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Ok, first this is all normal freshman stuff. Relax, I promise it is all going to be ok. Full disclosure…parent here.

I have to ask…where are you getting the idea that all your friends from home are having fun and close to their college friends? Is this from social media? If so, you know that more than half of what you see on there is legit right? I feel so bad for your generation because of social media. It creates stress, is a time suck and keeps you connected to people you should be running into once in a while, seeing on holidays or seeing never until your high school reunion in 30 years. I’m telling you it was so much easier back in the day when we had none of this.

Its great that you are your roommate are working out and that you have independence from one another. Very mature of both of you to recognize the importance of this.

You remind me of myself when I first started college (which turned out to be the best experience of my life. Spent three hours on the phone last night with one of my roommates and I’m old compared to you). I was terrified and terrified of the partying. And we are talking the 80s here so can I tell you what you see in the movies about the 80s and partying is all true. My suggestion…go to the parties. Go to the frats. Check them out. You do not have to drink. Bring your own bottle of water and put it in a cup or just drink out of the bottle. Its very cool, healthy, and 2016 to drink your water. Go for the entertainment of seeing what its all about, stick together with your friend and see who you meet. I think you will meet a variety of people. Just laugh and have fun and enjoy the experience of being a freshman and figuring all this out. Just keep one code with your roommate - always come and go home together. That is an important code for woman. One can not ditch the other.

Ok, next…yes, do what the other poster suggested about getting involved. I actually live not far from Amherst and we are coming up on the most beautiful time of the year. There must be some outings or events going on.

Now, my very important piece of advice for your generation. When you in the library, dining hall, lines, walking around campus…keep the earbuds off and the phone away. Because we are all so plugged in now, I truly believe it is more difficult for people to connect. We all do this to fill those uncomfortable times when we don’t know anyone or have nothing really to do. But those free moments used to be when people struck up random conversations and met! I still remember a cute guy striking up a conversation with me in a registration line and later asking me out! Now, you register for class online. Another opportunity to meet and connect with people lost. I really wish there would be a movement to “put the tech away” so everyone can get back to talking.

Just keep smiling, keep an open mind, be approachable, be friendly, be kind, get out of your room and you will meet people. Amherst is a selective school so you’ve worked hard to get there. Give yourself a pat on the back for that and know that this all just normal stuff as part of the freshman adjustment period. Set the reset button on the idea of begin nervous or skeptical. Everyone is adjusting. Don’t let yourself retreat, don’t think about TG, and use other’s as a measuring stick for your own experience. It sounds like you had healthy social skills prior to college so you will be fine. College is the time you put yourself out there, find yourself, hone all your skills (including social) and grow. This is all part of the growth experience. Keep laughing and don’t overthink it. You know how many kids on campus who look like they have a filled social calendar and famous new friends feel like you? Many if not most! You’ve got this!

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Haha small world, I actually go to the same school as you! (Currently a freshman too!) So gonna try and make this response more geared towards being a UMass A. student. I’ll tell you right now, going to a school this size has some downsides, and one of them is making/maintaining friendships. If your friends at home are going to smaller schools, it’s no wonder they’re having an easier time establishing a group of friends, because they literally see them all the time (and most likely will have classes with them too). Considering the size of this school, it’s hard to meet up with people when they’re at least a 30 min. walk away from where you live. I’ve personally already lost contact with some friends that I’ve made during the first week of school, and tbh, I don’t really talk to that many people on my floor either. Where most of my friends have come from are either my classes, the clubs that I’ve joined, or new friends of friends that I already knew before I came here.

I agree with you about the party atmosphere here, and like you, I will go to parties occasionally but I tend to stay sober the entire night. I don’t want to wake up to a raging hangover the next day especially if I have class. But considering that I’m in SW, I’m completely surrounded by the whole party lifestyle, hence why I don’t talk to too many people on my floor. (Also, yeah, I know homecoming was crazy yesterday! Just wait until Halloween though…)

As for eating alone, I wouldn’t worry about that. If you’ve been to the dining halls, you’ll probably see how many people actually do eat alone. It’s just part of a normal lifestyle here for being at such a big school. (Honestly, I’ve done it more than I would like to admit to).

As for a good starting point, maybe you could try sparking some conversations with people in your classes. Usually you’ll have a much easier time doing this in smaller lectures and discussions. Since you’re a freshman, you’re probably taking English 112, and since there are so many sections of that, each class only has like 15 people in it. You could try there. I know you might not want to hear about joining more clubs and stuff, but that’s honestly probably one of the best things you could do. People with similar interests tend to have a much easier time becoming friends.

Other than that, if you are feeling really depressed, you could go to counseling. I know they have support groups that could help you out of this slump and probably even help you make a couple of friends. A lot more people are going through a similar thing as you than you think.

Just remember this, if you do end up having a bad time this year, it won’t really matter much. At such a big school, you can basically start over again next year. Some of my senior friends have said that they don’t even talk to the people that they used to live with on the floor when they were freshmen anymore. Friendships usually take a long time to develop, so don’t get too worked up over it just yet.

P.S: If you want to ask me anything but don’t feel like posting it on this public thread, feel free to PM me.

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There is so much good advice in this section of the message board about making friends as a freshman. Do some reading of recommendations.

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Check out this poist: http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1808143-having-trouble-adjusting-to-college-making-friends-top-10-things-to-do.html

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The school my D goes to has three outdoor adventure trips the week before school starts. My D and her best friend (they aren’t rooming together) chose to go on different trips to meet different people and thought they might be able to combine the acquaintance groups. It worked out well. They ended up with about 3 other people from the trips that they now run around with regularly.

My D was walking around her floor and heard a young man playing jazz music. He had his door open and she stopped to tell him she liked the music. Another day he was in his room doing the same thing. She was on her way to dinner with her group and asked if he’d like to come along. He later texted her that he really appreciated her asking as he hadn’t really been enjoying school but it was nice for her and her friends to include him. Sometimes simple things can change perspectives.