<p>I grew up with foreign parents who are very religious and controlling in a way most American parents aren't. I was elated when they let me attend a nearby college! In their culture, women often aren't considered worth educating. My dad thought a degree is practical. I ended up in a top 30 college on partial scholarship; my parents contribute the rest, and I pay for textbooks, clothes, transportation, and personal expenses.</p>
<p>I was hoping for more freedom in college (though I'm 17 so legally a child). Instead, they became more irrational and controlling (not allowing me to go out, constant calls/voicemails, ensuring I dress conservatively and remain religious, etc). I must live at home, but my college is 1 hour 15 minutes away by public transport. Mon-Fri I wake at 6, have class from 8am-2pm, work from 3-8pm, commute home by 10pm and have to cram everything in late at night. Saturday I had one class and work afterwards (Sundays were free!) I had a lot of trouble keeping up 1st semester (difficult major) and no social life. My mother wants me to drop out because my new "freedom" is making her paranoid, but my father wants to me to continue as long as I'm under his thumb.</p>
<p>I feel so miserable living like this; I want to have friends I can see and enjoy life. Ideas:</p>
<p>Option 1: Continue this until I'm 18 in May. Then I'll leave home, find work as a live-in nanny or housekeeper and take community college classes for 1 year (I have $2600 saved) and then transfer to a state university where I might get a scholarship. I can take out loans to cover what the scholarship doesn't.</p>
<p>Option 2: Leave college now and start working full-time. Find a place where I can split rent with local students and save for the next 8 months until I can transfer to a cheaper college on scholarship this Fall; take out loans to cover anything else. But I'm 17 so would it be legal to "run away from home"?</p>
<p>Option 3: Stay in college like this, be depressed for next 3.5 years and work hard, then get a good job and leave home for good?</p>
<p>Sorry this is long, I wanted to be thorough. Thank you for reading and I welcome any advice.</p>
<p>Hmm. I’m a parent, but I’m also a religious studies scholar who interacts with a lot of classmates and students with conservative parents. The one thing I can think of to suggest is to take some steps to make your parents feel less afraid of the school and larger world’s influence on you. Is there a student group for your religious or cultural background that you could join at your school? Is it possible for you to cultivate friendships among the religious or cultural student community that would give your parents a sense that you have peers who share at least some of their beliefs? If there’s not a school based group, perhaps there’s one for youth in your community? </p>
<p>I recognize that you may not be as traditionally religious as your parents (you didn’t say), so I’m not suggesting this to make you more religious. What I’m suggesting is that you look at steps that might at least ease the fear and insecurity your parents have, for a while. If nothing else, making friends in that community might give you some peers to talk to who share your experience and can help you put up with a situation you’re finding difficult.</p>
<p>The other thing I’d suggest is looking into online or web-based offerings. I know that your college may not offer them if it’s small, but if the other local public universities do, perhaps you could take a course like that, and reduce your courseload at the college. I understand that may not be possible if your aid requires full time status, but it’s something to look into.</p>
<p>I am seriously concerned that waiting until 10PM to start your homework is not going to see you through until graduation. Do you have to work so many hours in addition to going to school? Even for an easy major I don’t see that happening.</p>
<p>You’re working 5 hours a day in addition to being a full-time college student? That’s the problem.</p>
<p>A full-time college student shouldn’t be working more than about 15 or 20 hours a week tops.</p>
<p>As for your parents, they’ll calm down with time. Just hang in there. It will get better. They’re lonely without you at home, and aren’t sure what to do with themselves. Once they eventually get lives of their own, they’ll leave you alone. It may take a year, but it will happen.</p>
<p>You don’t need to rebel against your parents OR bow down to them - just tolerate them, try to work with them, always be nice to them, and live your own life.</p>
<p>How about Option #4 - Stay in school for this semester and next year. At that point, you’ll know better if you need to leave or transfer. Switching to a CC for sophomore year is not a good plan - it’s usally the sign of a student who is struggling. I mean, you are struggling, but not with the schoolwork. The fact that you could keep up such a demanding schedule is really admirable. However, you sound like you are sleep-deprived and overwhelmed by the problems at hand, and not able to focus on your future. This can lead to some emotional decisions that aren’t the best long-term solution. Taking on $50,000 in debt, or being a nanny, forces you to live a certain way, just as your parents do. You would be trading your future, well-paid freedom for a low-paid situation that could be just as big a burden.</p>
<p>For the semester, look into taking one less course or possibly getting your work hours reduced. Make an effort to socialize in class and at work. Try to do the best you can with what you have - at least your parents have allowed you to attend college; you can see that this is a stretch for them, and they’re showing their insecurities in the way they try to control you. Set some limits now - say that you cannot text or receive calls during class or work, for example - and see if you can renogotiate your living situation for your junior year.</p>
<p>Are your parents requiring you to work so much to help pay for your schooling? If not, what is the money going towards? I know that you say that your money goes towards books, clothes, etc, but you should be able to work during the summer to earn for that. </p>
<p>You should ONLY be working about 8-10 hours per week - at most if you’re having to work during the school week! Kids can sometimes work more hours if they work on weekends.</p>
<p>And try not to take 8 am classes since you have to commute!</p>
<p>You should know that scholarship money is much harder to get when you are a transfer student. You may be giving up a lot of cash by dropping out or transferring; you’ll also have to consider whether a degree from a lower level school will give you the education and career opportunities you deserve.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone else that you are working too many hours. That plus the commuting is simply eating too many hours in the day.</p>
<p>Is there any possibility that you could find a family with the same ethnic background and religious convictions close to your school with whom you could board, at least during the week? That kind of living situation would probably be within your family’s comfort zone but take some of the time pressure off of you. (I would suggest looking for a similar group of students with which to share an apartment, but I have the sense that you family would want there to be parental figures on site.)</p>
<p>I agree with TrinSF that joining a religious or cultural youth group might reassure your parents, also.</p>
<p>Pinkstrawberry…how much would it cost if you were to: endure staying at home through the end of this school year, but pay for the next 3 years on your own (after the scholarships)? If you were to put the costs down on paper, how much would you need to move out, and stay in the dorms for the next 3 years, becoming financially independent? </p>
<p>If you could get a work study program on campus, keep your scholarships, work during the summer and not have a tremendous amount in student loans, it may be worth becoming independent as soon as the school year ends (or the next one starts). You probably do not want to put yourself in a nanny situation, that can be inflexible.</p>
<p>Sounds similar to what I went through my freshman year MANY years ago, only it was self imposed. School, work, church and church groups, long commute, and occasional attempts at a social life. I ended up cutting back my course load (no scholarship requirements) and graduating in 6 and a half years with a 4 year degree. I understand it’s not the same situation, but I suggest the following. </p>
<p>1) Tell your parents you love them and want to make them proud.
2) Tell them you need to cut back on your work hours to do a better job with your homework and become more involved with the kind of organizations that TrinSF talked about.
3) Tell them that although you “could” leave home when you turn 18, but you’d rather stay with them with the right circumstances.
4) Tell your parents you love them and want to make them proud.</p>
<p>I think she should take out a Stafford loan and see if between that and working a lot in the summer if she could afford room and board? Or at least a cheap apt with a friend.</p>
<p>but, her parents might withdraw their financial contributions at that point.</p>
<p>it’s VERY DIFFICULT, if not impossible, to get a good scholarship as a transfer student. Since you have a good scholarship at a TOP school, and your parents are helping to pay for that, STAY THERE!!!</p>
<p>After you graduate and are employed, you can do WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!</p>
<p>If I were you, when looking for a job after you graduate, try to find something that will likely involve living elsewhere, travel, or possibly a future relocation. Then you can “blame it on the job” when you have to distance yourself from your family.</p>
<p>Is there an on-campus or visiting clergy from your faith, with plentiful experience with college students, who might talk with your parents on your behalf? Or the adult faculty advisor to the student group from your background? Your parents might listen to another adult from their faith, to modify their expectations. Texting you during classes or expecting immediate return calls and so forth – totally unreasonable. Your current job-working hours are way too much for a first-year commuting student at a top 30 residential college! They need to hear this from someone other than you.</p>
<p>I think you’re free to pick up a phone to try to contact any clergy or adult faculty advisor. If there’s someone who advises International Students, that’s another adult who might have insight.
Tell them as you have here, and see if they can meet with your parents in person to discuss the two cultures and what the culture differences mean for your scheduling – this year and in the near future. </p>
<p>Example topics: How other college women handle things without becoming “disobedient” (my word) in order to find a place in this country; how fortunate to be at this good school but the kinds of schedules it takes to do well. Biographies of female students from your background who are successful at college and beyond. Numbers of kids on campus active in faith or international clubs, so they can imagine “good” peers for you. Why it helps grades to live on campus rather than commute so heavily. If parents say you can just read on the bus to get good grades-- that’s beside the point! You also need study buddies, time to befriend other strong students, and have intelligent friends as part of your college years.</p>
<p>Good luck and best wishes. I agree that all along you need to remind your parents that you love them; this isn’t about them. You’re trying to relax and reassure them that what you are doing can be within the family’s value system, or they will become too threatened. Be kind at home whenever you can stand it until you find a new balance with them. You’re probably already doing that. Hard as it is, it’s in your interest to keep your nerves and manners together while going through all of this.</p>
<p>And I feel like a traitor to suggest this – but is there a male cousin or older brother in college who will speak up for you and your very reasonable requests? I hate to play into the gender bias, but your folks might believe “any boy” better than “their girl” about what young women from your background do today and how it can all be “good” with a bit more trust from home. I’m a pragmatist and just want you to win a few reductions of pressure here. I don’t feel it’s right or fair that they’ll listen better to boys from your own family than to you! But if they might, then consider bringing that form of male support.</p>
<p>Thanks for all of the comments. There is a religious group at my school, and i’ve told them I joined it (not really, i’m not religious). I have friends who share my family’s culture, but they are not extreme the way my parents are. No older siblings or cousins - I’m the only child in a first generation family, which explains a lot.</p>
<p>I worked 25 hours a week last semester as a housekeeper/nanny to a family who is willing to give me room and board this summer if I watch their kids for 30 hours each week (we’ve discussed this) which is where I got that idea. The kids go to school Mon-Fri and need a sitter from 3pm-8pm so it would be easiest for them to have the same person everyday. I need to work to pay for my train tickets, as well as personal expenses, and I need to save money for the future so I can work fewer hours next year. I think this is a good idea because I’ll have more schoolwork later on and it’s easier now.</p>
<p>As for your parents, they’ll calm down with time. Just hang in there. It will get better. They’re lonely without you at home, and aren’t sure what to do with themselves. Once they eventually get lives of their own, they’ll leave you alone. It may take a year, but it will happen.
No, I know this isn’t true. They’ve been like this for their whole lives and they’re not going to change at 46. I’ve tried to have many “rational” discussions over the years, as well as some of my High school teachers and counselor, but they honestly think everyone else is strange and trying to corrupt me. Naturally this sounds weird to you but I’m quite used to it. </p>
<p>I’ve come to a decision: I’m going to stay in college this year and keep working. Then I’ll transfer to the state flagship, which costs $6,000/year. Over 3 years that’s $18k, not too much to have in loans. I have money saved up for rent, which I’ll split with other students. I’ve kind of been planning this since I was like 13, I’ve been dreaming of leaving home for years. Just thinking about it makes me so much happier.</p>
<p>It amazes me that you can keep that schedule up. It sounds like you have a plan in place and are extremely motivated. I wonder if before transferring out if there is a counselor,advisor,social worker or psychologist at your current school that you can discuss your predicament with and if they might be able to offer you advice and support to ease your load, modify your schedule or more financial aid. I also wonder if this school would allow you to keep your scholarship and take a gap year next year. Then you could work full time establish yourself as an independent and then maybe get more significant aid based on your resources alone. Perhaps this coupled with work/study on campus would afford you the ability to live on campus the following three years. It sounds like you have a plan that you can work with but since these routes weren’t previously mentioned I thought I would throw in these possibilities as well. Good luck whatever you do. Being a first generation only child and a girl must be extremely difficult. Remember that your parents love you as you are establishing your independence.</p>
<p>I just want to second the idea of talking with someone associated with your college: a counselor in the health services, perhaps, or, as someone else suggested, a chaplain, or some other person who might understand your predicament. Starting with health services counseling could be a good start, and he or she could point you in the various directions needed.</p>
<p>Do your parents understand the legal significance of your turning 18? Perhaps you could also somehow find someone to meet with you and your parents, to mediate a little. If our parents could possibly bend even a little, you would of course meet them more than halfway, but being so rigid, they may end up driving you away, particularly once you are an adult. Perhaps they also need some counseling to understand what it is like for someone in your position, with one foot in a traditional culture, and pressures to assimilate and belong, on campus. There must be a resource for this-maybe someone else can elaborate on this idea.</p>
<p>Is there any kind of specialized (religious, multicultural, substance free, etc.) on-campus housing that your parents would be comfortable with?</p>
<p>You are quite amazing.</p>
<p>I wish for you fewer work hours, a shorter commute, and enjoyment of your studies.</p>
Best of luck. I encourage you to find a support person to help you, advise you, and support you with your master plan. Maybe there is someone in the International Students office who could help you. (I know you are not an international student but that might be a spot where they have run across concerns like yours.) Or how about your high school guidance counselor? </p>
<p>Check the “In loco parentis” sticky thread at the top of this forum and see if one of is is near you and thus familiar with your school, your housing options, your in-state transfer options. Would you be moving to a new city to go to the in-state flagship? I am sure we all want to make sure you have a safe place to live and a few plans for finding a support network if you end up moving to a new city and are really on your own next year.</p>
<p>In your on-line posts, be careful not to reveal information that would identify you.</p>
<p>I am so impressed with your hard work and determination.</p>
<p>That sounds like an excellent plan, pinkstrawberry. It sounds very well thought out, and the fact that it makes you so happy—you know it’s right. I’ll give your parents this, no matter their bizarre way of bringing you up, they raised a smart and mature adult either because of (or in spite of) themselves. Good luck to you!</p>
<p>Good luck with your plans. You have a well-thought out strategy. Does your state flagship require an application this spring? If so, you should know by May or June if you are accepted. If not, what about staying on with the family where you work as a live-in during the next school year? They must think highly of you, and if they are well-connected professional people they may know of opportunities you haven’t thought of. Keep your options open, especially where you have established yourself as a hardworking and trustworthy person.</p>