College graduation ideas?

Parents Forum
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<p>Starting to look into festivities for DS's upcoming graduation. As he will be working after graduation in the city where he currently attends school, its not likely he'll be coming home, so we are not currently planning a party at home. However, I may consider hosting one and having DS fly home for it.</p>

<p>I was looking into hosting a reception of some sort during the graduation weekend for DS, family and DS's friends/family (some are interested in doing something together) but there doesn't look like there is a lot of free time. There are a lot of events scheduled over the graduation weekend. I will have to look more closely at the schedule to see when there is free time for a gathering.</p>

<p>Here's the tough part. Who do we invite to graduation and what are we expected to pay for? We will invite older S and his GF, and my DH's S, but my bro and his wife are estranged from the family so I will probably not invite them. If we invite DH's (older) moocher bro, he will bring his family of 5 and expect us to pay for everything. Yes, everything. He will probably drive them down, but we would be expected to pay for hotels, parking, all meals, you name it. My DH thinks this is fine. I do not. When DH has been "summoned" to show up at their events (he is typically told with only a few days notice that one of the nephews is graduating from cc or something, even middle son's graduation from 4 yr college was a last minute "oh by the way he is graduating tomorrow. Fly up)" and my DH is expected to drop everything, fly up at great expense (last minute tix are expensive) and then DH pays for most or all meals. Yup. Thats the drill. DH pays for their family AND their extended family. Needless to say I dont typically go along, as I don't agree with this, but my DH thinks its no big deal. Dont even get me started. </p>

<p>At least one of the graduation events will require tickets and there will NOT be enough tickets for their entire family. I do NOT want my older s, gf or SIL to sacrifice to let the nephews go (though they would offer). I would like to perhaps invite only BIL and his wife (other SIL) but they will probably come up with a reason why all of them need to come because they hav never seen this city and its a fun city. </p>

<p>DH and I already have exchanged a few words about this graduation. I do NOT want His B's family, who make everything all about them, and they are sure to have a medical crisis or 2 as is their pattern, to take over and ruin our S's event, nor do I want to pay for their free vacation. He disagrees and thinks its just money. </p>

<p>I adore his sister (my other SIL) and she has already learned to keep her wallet closed and will NOT pay for her brother's expenses. I am already anticipating a large stress-related black cloud over the graduation weekend if they come as DH will pay for everything and I will have to shut up. It is frustrating. This dynamic is longstanding and DH thinks I am making a big deal about nothing. </p>

<p>I would like to have a fun graduation weekend (I didnt get to go to older s's college graduation as it was the same day as younger s's HS graduation in different states). but this issue with moocher BIL is a serious sore spot. I am happy to pay for some of the activities, but after 28 years, I know full well what will happen. We will be paying for their hotel and meals. My DH is ok with this. I am not. I have suggested we invite just BIL and his wife and let them know tickets to some events (well, really only one) are limited. DH thinks just his bro will show up. I am certain he'll see it as an opportunity for a free family vacation, as he has in the past. And since none of his 3 kids are employed, its not like they will be missing much. Two are out of school, but not doing anything as far as I know. </p>

<p>So I vent here because DH won't hear it. His compromise is to say he wont "offer" to pay for the hotel. I woud be very surprised if we didnt end up getting somehow stuck with the hotel bill. </p>

<p>Frustrating situation, and a longstanding family duynamic that is a constant sore spot.</p>

<p>I thought DH saw how much his bro takes advantage of him. SIL has for sure, and has learned to say NO. My DH has not :(</p>

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<p>It sounds like too much potential for drama so maybe you could just attend your sons graduation without inviting any of them.</p>

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<p>Wow, jym - the hotel and meals for that number of people over the weekend could get crazy expensive. Which is fine if the recipients are appreciative, or the kind of beloved family members you can’t imagine not being there, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. What might the total number be if moocher BIL takes the whole gang? Not that it’s a key factor, but I’m nosy. :D</p>

<p>I guess you can’t invite your dh’s sister without inviting his brother, as well. What would happen if you just issue the invitation without mentioning anything about hotels or meals? (Other than a celebratory meal after the event that you and your dh host.) Maybe you could say you have to make it adults-only because of the limited number of graduation tickets. But I suggest using as few words as possible, and making them as specific as possible. Then it’s incumbent on the moochers to ask if their kids can come, ask where they should stay, etc. This won’t stop dyed-in-the-wool moochers, but it would make things a little more difficult for them. If you don’t get a block of rooms at one hotel, they at least have to hunt around for their own place to stay. </p>

<p>When our d2 graduated in 2009 in another very fun city, we invited our sibs and parents, but only my mother and stepdad could make the long trip. A few of d’s friends had the same situation - far-flung family, which would have meant a small party afterwards. She teamed up with 3 friends and we had a very nice reception for about 40 people, which was lots of fun and turned into a real party. The parents split the costs.</p>

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<p>We invited folks to attend the graduation of one kid…but did NOT plan OR pay for their hotels, air travel, and most meals. We did have a nice little reception where we were staying (a small B and B) for DD and she was able to invite some friends and families. We took the family members who traveled to a nice dinner the day of the graduation. The rest of the weekend, they were on their own dime.</p>

<p>It helped that my kid went to college 3000 miles away…self limited the “crowd”.</p>

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<p>Many times it is difficult to get hotel rooms for graduation weekends. Perhaps keep the actual graduation weekend immeadiate family, then plan a reception at home for another weekend and fly son home… Then if other family wants to come you can control the costs…</p>

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<p>I would not include hotel and meals in the invitation, except for the celebratory dinner. The “summoning” thing sounds just awful, and I feel for you. Graduation isn’t a time to have people around who make it all about them. jym, have you asked your S what he would like to do for a family celebration? </p>

<p>Having told you to keep your wallet closed, I’m not exactly following my own advice. We’ll pay for rooms for S’s two older sisters (H’s daughters) and their families–or at least for one of them. They live two hours away, so technically they could come for the day, and we might suggest that option. We’re also having a nice dinner. There’s some drama there, too. In my big family, local relatives attend graduations, but that’s it. Our main celebration with S is a major trip in late May. (He’s still willing to travel with us–to fun places, anyway!)</p>

<p>We also know that S will want to spend time with his friends, who are all headed in different directions after graduation.</p>

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<p>m3,
I am not sure I am reading your post correctly, but if there is to be drama, yes it is with BIL’s family. Everything is always all about them. I cannot imagine not inviting my other s and his gf, and my SIL (DH’s older s), who attended older s’s college graduation in my absence. They have already been invited. I am guessing you meant not to invite BILS family, not to exclude everyone from the graduation. We would never do that. My DH had a bright idea-- to do exactly what his bro does and mention it a few days before the event (“oh by the way, s is graduating on Sat. Come on down”) but that is so not our style. </p>

<p>Frazzled,
What would typically happen is either that BIL would ask DH to book the hotel for him (supposedly he would pay it later but of course its booked on our credit card). I will ask my DH to tell him what hotel the family is staying at (actually w he and I are at a hotel close to campus but it is full, so DS and SIL will be downtown where there are lots of hotels, but thats another story) anyway, I will ask my DH NOT to book for them but merely to tell them the name of the hotel. As for meals, if we all go out together, BIL will not open his wallet. He will sit there and my H will take the bill. Almost aways happens no matter where we are. ONCE recently DH and I were with BIL and his family of 5 for lunch up at a family event (a cousin’s wedding) and BIL paid for lunch. Miracle. BIL of course managed to get his 3 s’s invited to the wedding -they were not on the guest list).</p>

<p>Yes, this could add up to a LOT of money, and it irritates me that moocher BIL will do his best to mooch as is his pattern. He will also get in trouble at work for taking any time off to come to graduation (we are arriving Thurs so you KNOW he will too if he gets wind of that- I HOPE no one tells him) but BIL INSISTS that he should be permitted to take tme off of work for “family mattes” and a free trip to NOLA is a “family matter” in his mind, I can assure you.</p>

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<p>When my S graduated in May 2011, he and 5 other graduates used the near campus house two of them lived in and had a “open house” and they invited their families (and other home/relative guests) and their college friends after the graduation ceremony. That way it was their party, not the parents’ party.</p>

<p>It worked great. The parents and relatives got to mingle with those of the other graduates. The graduates got to be with their friends (for some that was the “one last time”).</p>

<p>It cost very little for chips and wine etc. In fact, I offered to chip in to cover my S’s part and he declined saying I’d help pay for college so this was “on him.”</p>

<p>I suggest that a parent consider that an elaborate graduation get together and all the inter-family stress is not really what the graduate wants.</p>

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<p>In your shoes jym, I probably wouldn’t invite any in-laws to the graduation just your kids and their sig. others, and just make it a nuclear family event. What does your son want? It’s his graduation after all.</p>

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<p>I think the other poster had a great idea, ask you S what he would like. And perhaps it would be ok to use their tactics and wait until a few days before to mention it.</p>

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<p>It would never occur to me to invite anyone outside our nuclear family. I’m sure grandparents would like to be there, but it’d be quite a distance for any of them. All aunts/uncles/cousins are busy with their own lives.</p>

<p>As my kids have gotten older I’ve become quite protective of the rare times that it’s “just us.” </p>

<p>We’ll have our first college graduation in May, but do any schools show graduations online? That might be an option. Other than that, I’d draw the line at you, DH, and your kids. </p>

<p>(And to your question as to hosting something graduation weekend, we’ll attend one group dinner with DS’s buds and their families, but the good news is I’m not organizing. :smiley: )</p>

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<p>I have noticed from my own kids’ experiences that some graduating seniors prefer to spend as much time as possible during their last days on campus with their friends rather than their families. This does not mean that the graduates don’t value their relationships with their families. It just means that they’re facing reality: their friends will be scattering in many directions after graduation, and this may be their last chance to ever be together as a group. On the other hand, the graduates’ relationships with their families will continue. </p>

<p>Some graduates may actually resent it if their families schedule extra events while they’re still on campus. Perhaps the idea of a celebration at home, if your son has a break between graduation and the start of his job, is better than a party during graduation weekend itself.</p>

<p>Of course, this thinking may not apply to your son if most of his friends will be staying in the city where they went to school, as he will be. Neither of my kids was in that situation, so I can’t comment on it.</p>

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<p>Have been talking about the graduation party/reception plans with DS since his birthday celebration last spring. He loved the idea of the reception at the restaurant where we had his 21st bday dinner, and that was the plan all along, but the restaurant just advised us of the change in their arrangement and we can no longer do that. I will probably arrange a family dinner at that restaurant (it is a very small place but DS loves it) Fri or Sat night. I have to double check the weekend events calendar to see what works. DS loved the idea of a small party for his friends, but it was supposed to be at that restaurant, so now we are back to the drawing board. He and his 2 roommates are PIGS and their house would unfortunately not likely be a great place to host a party. I had thought of that, as it is not far from campus, but it is small and they will all be packing to move, but I will bring it up again. I could hire a caterer and warn them that the place may be a “challenge” :slight_smile: </p>

<p>DH spoke to DS briefly last night, but I was asleep and lisssed the conversation. The idea of having a reception at a B&B is a great one, but since we arent staying there, I wonder if that would be an issue???</p>

<p>We really want older s, his gf and DH’s older sis there. Se is wonderful and is low maintenance. She never married and has no kids, so is very much looking forward to this. We shouldnt have to exclude her because her other bro is a PITA.</p>

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<p>jym, When my older son graduated in 09’, it was just us(me,husband and my other son) and my sister (who like your H’s sister has never married -she is VERY close to my sons and has been very generous to them with help for college and I would never have thought to exclude her). However, my H’s siblings (who are married with kids of their own were not invited and probably would not have come anyway as it would have not been local for them and I doubt they would have wanted the expense).We definitely would not have paid their expenses if they had wanted to come(beyond maybe one celebratory dinner but certainly not their hotels,other meals,etc).Congratulations on the graduation!</p>

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<p>Has this dynamic been in place before you were married? The reason I ask is that during a therapist session I had a very long time ago, the therapist said to me, “If that was a habit before you married him, then when you said “yes” you knew that was a habit. You can’t come back 20 years later use that as a factor for being angry”</p>

<p>Now with that said, “entitlement” behavior like that makes me crazy. You could send the hotel a check for one night room and tax as a deposit in lieu of the credit card so when they arrive they have to pay for the additional nights. That could be a compromise.</p>

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<p>Good points, collegeshopping. Yes, BIL hsa been a mooch all his life, and has taken advantage of DH and the rest of the family for ever and ever. But that doesn’t mean, IMO, that we should continue to enable this unhealthy behavior. Time to set some limits. SIL has learned this and she has said NO to him and closed her wallet. FIL is deceased, but started to set limits on his sons behavior (with help of sister) before he died. Prime example of BIL’s financial chutzpah. Many years ago he wanted to move his family into a bigger house that he could not afford. He asked his then almost 90 yr old fa to cosign the loan! Thank heavens FIL was starting to set liits and said NO.</p>

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<p>Forgot to mention, we don’t always know the dynamics between famly members when we marry into the family. I had no clue that BIL was such a narcissistic moocher with no financial acumen when I married my DH. Even if I did, as long as it didn’t affect my family that would be one thing, but as I have told my DH, we are not working our tails off full time to pay for someone elses lifestyle or financial mismanagement.</p>

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<p>For both undergrad and grad…nice dinner with D and Mom and Dad and after dinner she went to a grad party with friends. If any additional family members wanted to attend the actual graduation, I said that I would attempt to get them tickets. The grandparents came for grad school graduation, paid for their own hotel and we took them out the night before. If you WANT complicated, you can do complicated. I prefer and recommend simple. The experience is just as meaningful and saves on both the nerves and pocketbook. It’s about your kids accomplishment, not about throwing a party or funding an extended families vacation.</p>

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<p>We have had 2 graduations so far. Instead of staying in hotels, we rented houses in the college towns. We paid for our other boys and the grandparents to attend. In one case we included my niece to help the grandparents. My kids all went to school 1500+ miles from home so attendance by extended family wasn’t very feasible. They all knew they were welcome, but not expected to spend the considerable money needed to attend. We hosted a small reception for the family and some of the graduate’s friends at the rented house and it all worked well. Perhaps springing for a Merry Maids visit would make a party at your S’s house more, um…enjoyable. </p>

<p>I like the idea of informing BIL of where your family will be staying and letting him make his own family’s arrangements. Perhaps you could include a proposed itinerary that kind of spells out what you will be hosting and when they would be on their own. Family dynamics aren’t always easy. Good luck and congratulations!</p>

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<p>DS graduated in 2009. The extended family was invited to the graduation and that was it. The campus was quite hilly and really hard for the grandparents to maneuver so they declined. Our family is quite small, but none would expect for us to pay for anything other than a dinner. Ended up being only the 6 of us. Some girls on DS’s swim team offered their house for an after-potluck. Parents brought, bought, or cooked food there. About 60 people and very nice. Fun to see the swim parents again and a last get-together for my son and his friends. Low-key and not stressful for me!</p>