<p>Inform the BIL about the graduation, but give him the following week as the date.</p>
<p>All great ideas, everyone. The issue with their house is not only that it is dirty, but that it is a total pigsty and they would be int he middle of packing and moving so would be unlikely to really be able to accomodate a party. I will ask DS, but its really unlikely to be manageable.</p>
<p>07dad, wish I could get away with that :)</p>
<p>RE the after grad party: Gradn was at 1 pm, party about 4. A parent of the girls took it over. She rented tables and chairs for the lawn (including delivery and p/u), paid for a cleaning service to do the first floor, bought some of the main dish items and we all pitched in $$ (we had been notified by the mom). Girls had until month-end to be out, so there was no big push to move that night. We live about an hour from that school.</p>
<p>D1 graduated last year. We rented a house, which had enough room for my parents and one other guest, others would had to stay at a dorm room or the sorority. Lucky for us, only my parents and brother (by himself) decided to come. We paid for all food and drinks at the house, plus rental of the house. The house was on the lake with a nice view. We hosted a catered barbecue reception at the house for D1´s friends and their families. I think we had 80-100 people. It was a beautiful evening, people stayed a lot longer than we expected, but those kids have been together for 4 years and have stayed over each other house, and they were all going their separate ways. People said it was one of the nicest graduation events and thanked us for organizing it. It was D1´s who did all the work. She sent out save the date very early on, and had invitation sent out by early April. My brother is not a mooch, he took us out for a brunch after the graduation.</p>
<p>jym - I think the issue here is you need to have an agreement with your H about BIL. As long as he wants to pay, not sure what you could do about it. If he is in agreement with you then I would send BIL an email to spill out exactly who is invited (not his 3 kids), and what he would be responsible for. I would have him stay at a dorm if you are going to have to pay for it. My parents had friends who wanted to come, but when they heard they were staying in a dorm room (sharing bathrooms), they decided not to come (clearly it was the lake side house that was more interesting than D1´s graduation).</p>
<p>I have no big words of wisdom for you, jym - only sympathy! My D also graduates this spring, and we invited everyone (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins). I was really surprised when 10 of these relatives said they’d come.</p>
<p>We told them upfront that everyone was welcome but it was no big deal if they couldn’t come. We also told them that they would be on their own for food and lodging, except for one nice dinner during the weekend that will be on us. D is attending school in a large city about 5 hours away from us, so there are all kinds of hotels and restaurants for everyone to choose from.</p>
<p>When D graduated from high school I literally made myself sick from all the worry and planning and crowd-pleasing. I vowed not to do that again. Now I just have to stick to m y resolution!</p>
<p>Dorms arent an option, but there are plenty of hotels for the BIL to choose from, as DS goes to college in a city that is a big tourist destination. </p>
<p>With my BIL, I’ve found over the years that the more you tell him, the more he manages to contrive things. I would like to find a happy medium with my DH and anticipate that we will get there so it doesnt wreck a wonderful weekend. </p>
<p>Maybe I’ll ask my DS to let one of the friends he wants to have the party with to let their parent organize it and go from there. That would take the burden off of me and we can simply plan a nice graduation family dinner.</p>
<p>Knowing my BIL, if we do the family dinner Fri night, he’ll probably be late and screw it up. This is another pattern. If I have to pay in advance, I would be seriously ****ed if 5 of the group (there are otherwise only 6 more of us total) are a no-show. I also think that the restaurant has a limited number they take in their reservations (its a very small place) so that may also be an issue.</p>
<p>jym626–I know this can be stressful, so I have drafted a proposed letter (with options) for you to send to your BIL.</p>
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<p>Oh that is priceless, 07dad!!! Made my day!!</p>
<p>One correction-- we are probably driving in :)</p>
<p>Love it, 07Dad.</p>
<p>College graduations are painful, and our family doesn’t expect anyone other than parents/siblings to actually attend. Our daughter didn’t attend her brother’s graduation since she was in the middle of her own grad school finals. I also agree with the poster that said in the final days of college the grads want to spend a lot of time with friends that may be scattering all over the place. Our son was a good host to H and me, but he included friends whenever he could (fine with us). I would have no problem not inviting the boorish uncle but still inviting the aunt! </p>
<p>We had a family (grandmother, aunt etc) dinner at a Japanese restaurant in PA to celebrate both my son’s and my niece’s graduation (different colleges, same weekend).</p>
<p>"It sounds like too much potential for drama so maybe you could just attend your sons graduation without inviting any of them "
I second the motion! Saves $$ , avoids drama and aggravation. Best to keep it simple. A moocher will always be a moocher.</p>
<p>“I will probably arrange a family dinner at that restaurant (it is a very small place but DS loves it) Fri or Sat night.”
Why not ask DS if he has any close college friends that he would like to invite? If not there then at another place. After all, he may not see them again for a while, if ever. Its his graduation after all.</p>
<p>First of all - not all grads wish to attend all available events - ask your son now which he is interested in and which you can skip. In my experience one evening of the weekend is usually family dinner time and the other is party time. And kids tend to go from one to the other (we were lucky in that ours turned out to be a desired destination!).</p>
<p>How many kids are in the pig-sty? You may want to do a combined party (get in touch with the other parents) as it is they probably have a lot of friends in common. And each may have a handful of additional guests. Does it have a back yard? If so, I would ask the kids to clean that up and rent a tent (in case it rains). </p>
<p>Re: Family - You mentioned limited tickets - that could be your out to only include a select few. And I doubt that adult extended family members would want to party with a bunch of strange kids.</p>
<p>IMO - the fact that your husband has been doing this for 20 years and seems to have no issue with it tells me that you should just let it go. I understand that you have real issues with your BIL, but, unless your husband agrees to not invite him for your sake, any hard feelings that will affect your enjoyment of the weekend will be created by you. You do have the power to ignore.</p>
<p>My DH had a bright idea-- to do exactly what his bro does and mention it a few days before the event (“oh by the way, s is graduating on Sat. Come on down”) but that is so not our style. </p>
<p>Might I point out that you made this post because your current style is not working for you. Or actually your husband’s current style is not working for you. </p>
<p>Please fogive me for pointing out that your husband probably enjoys the prospect of being the succesful one who can afford to be taken advantage of. It only reinforces the idea that his brother is a loser. You might want to point that out to your husband.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t invite them at all. I might even make some noises about having a big to do when son is in town again and that just never happening. “Well you know there are a limited number of tickets so we thought we would have a party in June.” Then when July 4th rolls around and your husband get stuck with the usual expenses he can enjoy playing big daddy again without the additional expectations of a graduation.</p>
<p>This sounds like an occassion for the grad’s parents, siblings and grandparents. Gotta draw the line somewhere.</p>
<p>Stop thinking “can’t” and “isn’t our style”. Start thinking “this is what we want” and then plan accordingly. If you don’t want your BIL etc. there, then don’t invite them. Or invite them for a midsummer celebration held at a restaurant. But honestly, I wouldn’t invite them. If they ask, just smile and say you just wanted an uncomplicated weekend to enjoy the graduation, and you knew they would be able to congratulate your son later. (We call this the dumb and vacant smile)</p>
<p>I have in-laws like this. They can’t take a hint. They don’t mean to ruin my weekends; it’s a lot of the same behaviors you describe, plus sulking. (I start dinners when advertised. I do not wait for late people who are stopping at yard sales on the way to a party. They sulk. After 27 years, they still haven’t thought to just show up on time) But for S2’s upcoming hs graduation, my husband will say “we just want a nice simple weekend, and we won’t be sharing him with anyone but his friends. If you come, we won’t be here and there won’t be venue tickets for you”. Then we have a big ol’ open house with 2 or 3 other families (group graduation parties are the norm here) and just relax. They stressed us out at S1’s graduation from hs and we swore to behave like adults, not like cowed children, this time. </p>
<p>Life’s too short. Stop worrying about their behaviors and feelings (which you can’t control, they are so yanking your chain) and put yourself FIRST!! If DH won’t, (and he won’t) do it yourself. You’re the mom. Mom’s rock. You have earned it!!</p>
<p>MomfromKC,
Sorry. That is so not my husband. My husband’s problem, if you can call it that, is that he is generous to a fault and rarely says no to anyone. He is too nice a guy. My BIL makes plenty of money. Possibly more than my DH in salary. He is a GS15 (for those of you who know federal payscales). He is just lousy at money management, and is, and always has been, a moocher. </p>
<p>I posted here mostly to rant, though I have gotten some helpful suggestions. I dislike being taken advantage of, or watching my DH be taken advantage of. BIL is very self focused and this will never change. As I mentioned earlier, he is chronically late, which screws up events. So DH and I will come up with something that causes minimal stress and impact on OUR SON’S graduation. </p>
<p>I spoke briefly with DS earlier. He would still like to do a combined reception of some sort with several of his female friends and their families. I suggested that it might be better if one of the girls’ family plans it, especially since they may have more attendees, and I will contribute to the cost. Gets that off my plate.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, there are no living grandparents. This week marks the 1 year anniversary of my dad’s death, and he was the last living grandparent. </p>
<p>As gusapara said, I can try to ignore this behavior. Its just like nails on a blackboard at this point, and very hard to ignore. The other way to handle it, as has been done with ther events, is to take mental bets as to what is the most outrageous request that will be made of us. The only problem with that is that DH and I may not agree on whether it is outrageous or not. Unfortunately DS’s roommates (there are 3) are financially not in a position to contribute to a reception. I would not ask them to do that. I think we will invite the roommates to the reception being coordinates with the girls (and trust me, the girls would not want it held at the pig sty, adn the back yard isnt big enough and there is a small apt back there that someone else lives in). Not sure where the girls live and if their places are better suited. It will be fine by me wheever the want to hold it, as long as we set a reasonable budget.</p>
<p>Will have a longer conversation with DS tonight when we can look at the calendar, and see what night is good for the family dinner. If I can turf the multi-family reception to someone else to organize, I am off the hook. Big stress relief.</p>
<p>Girls are generally better planners, so you’re lucky you can go with that! The party doesn’t have to be a big deal - most families will have already had dinner (if you time it right), so snacks (a couple of steps above what the kids are used to) and kegs and wine usually are just fine. One way to keep things fun is to invite families - have a take-out dinner at the site with the host families and invite everyone else and their folks post-dinner time. Keep it simple and have a blast.</p>
<p>For everything else - just enjoy! It really is a commencement - the start of a new, exciting chapter in your son’s life - and for you too.</p>
<p>Totally agree that girls are better planners, and they probably have a much better idea of what they do/dont want to do. The take out dinner is an interesting idea, but New Orleans has so many good restaurants I would think that many families are making reservations at some yummy places.</p>
<p>And there may ne a g-d in heaven 
I have been emailing the restaurant where my DS wants to hold the family dinner. It is a very small place. They just told me that the largest reservation party they can take is a party of 8 :D</p>
<p>“the largest reservation party they can take is a party of 8.”
Problem solved!!</p>
<p>Party of 8. Love it! That takes care of the “family” dinner…</p>
<p>Didn’t realize it was NOLA! What a great place for a celebration.</p>
<p>Get a bucket of crayfish for the party - and brunch at Slim Goodies!</p>