College not going as well as I'd like - just had the worst September ever

Parents Forum
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<p>To be honest, I want to say that I am kind of embarrassed to be posting this here. After I got into college, I thought I'd be mostly done with this board. But now I'm in a rut, and I don't really have anywhere else to turn to. Thus, I made this post and I'm reposting it here for more input.</p>

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This summer, before I came to college, I thought by now I'd be having a blast. I'd be getting **** done, partying, and, most importantly, making friends. Except that I've done absolutely none of that.</p>

<p>The road to getting to my college was pretty rough. I had a huge fight with my parents, who insisted on coming here because it was the cheapest school of the schools they approved of and it was close, which was important because they thought I was too immature to take care of myself. I disagreed with them about the distance (I live 20 minutes from home) and I thought the school was a bad fit. However, I worked something out with them, and I was really excited to be here.</p>

<p>The problem is, getting adjusted to school has been taking longer than I thought. For one thing, academics are kicking my butt. I wasn't a good studier in high school, and now I have no idea how to deal with classwork here. I didn't even know this was such a rigorous school until after I decided to attend.</p>

<p>But what's really bothering me is my complete lack of social life. I was looking excited to the school partially because it was more exciting socially then its peers. But I haven't been able to take advantage of it at all. The problem isn't that I don't have these things available to me, it's that I have no one I can do them with. What's the point of going to frat parties/tailgating/etc alone?</p>

<p>So I guess the big thing is that I've never felt more socially isolated my entire life. The thing is, I don't really fit in with any group. I don't really connect with the normal people here, and as for the more weird/nerdy people... well, I hate to admit it, but I'm not really feeling them either. I guess I'm kind of friends with a lot of people from the latter group, but I'm not really in their circle. I feel like I'm too judgmental of them too, but on the other hand, I don't really think forcing myself to like people really will work either.</p>

<p>As for my backstory I've always been socially awkward, but I thought I really bloomed and got out of my shell my senior year and became a truly extroverted person. I had a great summer (although it could've been better). BUt one thing that really bothers me about college is that my two big defining features are non-existent here. Probably the most common thing that people who've met me would be that I'm funny and smart. I've been kind of a class clown type in school, where I'd say wacky and random stuff in class to get a laugh. Probably the one common thing people would say about me I try joking here, and everyone just seems to think I'm weird. I've never felt more self-conscious before, even when college is supposed to be a more accepting place than high school. As for being smart - well everyone is smart here. Even the football players. For better or worse, I've thrived on being the center of attention, and I have none of that now in a school of 6500 people.
I feel like I'm a pretty social person. I love meeting new people and making small talk. Except now I feel like I'm just meeting streams and streams of new people, and I'm pretty tired of that. I have no idea how to make the next step of being friends, especially when people are super busy all the time.</p>

<p>On the bright side, I feel like this is pretty consistent with what's happened in the past and my situation will probably get better with time. I've been to two academic camps at this very school when I was younger, and both times, while everyone else was having a blast, I never connected in the time I was there. Also, I've always had a hard time making new friends, and I didn't really have my core group of friends until senior year. I really hated some of the people who ended up being my best friends, so I think it just takes time to get used to people.</p>

<p>But right now, I just have no idea how to deal with the isolation of school. So... Someone please tell me that this has happened to other people and it's gotten better too.</p>

<p>Man, I need to stop procrastinating and go to make a counseling appointment. Oh well. At least fall break is this week.

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<p>Just to point out, since I originally wrote this, I did try to set up an appointment with the counseling center, but no one was there when I called. :/</p>

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<p>Chaos- hugs.</p>

<p>First- you need to get a handle on your academics. There’s not much to be gained by you developing a fantastic social life which you’ll have to abandon if you can’t pass your courses (JK- but you know what you have to do.) You need to go to office hours for each of your professors or sign up for time with the TA and get a grip on where you are falling behind. It’s early enough so you can develop better study habits but you can’t let it go until Thanksgiving when it’s really too late. So get moving.</p>

<p>Second, you need to rethink your assumptions about college. College is your full time job right now. That means making yourself a schedule- class, library, lab, office hours, whatever it needs to be- and between 9-6 or 8-7 or whatever intensity you need, your job is to be a college student. Go to class. Doing the reading. Writing the papers. Etc. That’s your job.</p>

<p>Then, in your “free time” (which is NOT every afternoon between 2-6 and every weekend from Thursday through Sunday) you get to decide how to spend it. Showing up at random events and parties is fine- but you can do better. Start reading the flyers on bulletin boards, reading the daily “what’s going on” website, etc. and make a list of things you’re interested in- concerts, poetry slams, dance performances, pie baking and eating contests, whatever. You aren’t going to have unlimited amounts of leisure time, but you will for sure enjoy the time you have when you are spending it doing things you like to do, or are curious about, then showing up at a random party.</p>

<p>Then you have to be a little more out there… sit in a different spot during the lectures. Talk to a new person every day at lunch. Make a point of introducing yourself to someone at the library who is reading something that looks interesting.</p>

<p>And finally- you need to join a club or some organized activity. Pick one thing- coat drive for the homeless, voter registration drive (but get moving on that, time’s a wasting), or whatnot, and show up at an organizational meeting prepared to volunteer to do something (even something minor) and to be friendly.</p>

<p>Come back here in a month. It will be better, I promise.</p>

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<p>Are you at all religious? Some people say that going to religious services and joining the organized group for whatever religion you belong to is a great way to meet people on campus. People tend to be friendly in that setting.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry you’re having a tough time adjusting. I don’t know if you’re sporty, but my D joined a club sport which has been a great way to have a base of people you know. If it is at all your thing there may be club or even intramural sports that are open to new participants who don’t have experience. There might also be groups around comedy or film or . . . It’s not a guarantee for sure, but worth a try.</p>

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<p>((( hugs )))</p>

<p>Are you the one who has a parent affiliated with Vandy or your parents live near Vandy or something?</p>

<p>Are you the one who got a better pkg from Vandy and some of us speculated that it had to do with a parent who worked there? </p>

<p>If I remember correctly, you didnt’ want to go to this school. You wanted to go to a school that your parents felt was too far away. Is that right?</p>

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<li><p>If you are in serious danger of failing a class, calendar the final class drop date and drop any classes you are failing by then.</p></li>
<li><p>Seek tutoring/academic help. You aren’t the only one whose butt is being kicked by academics.</p></li>
<li><p>Pick out a political candidate and volunteer…presidential, senatorial, congressional, local, whatever. You will meet a bunch of like minded people of all ages in the next month. Trust me. The Jimmy Carter campaign is what totally got me through the fall of my lonely freshman year in the dark ages of 1976.</p></li>
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<p>No, but I’m in the Secular Students Alliance. I thought it would be full of jerks, but I had a good time at the one meeting I’ve been to so far.</p>

<p>I am involved in clubs, but I feel like they’re too big/haven’t met up frequently enough to make friends there so far. And I feel like the people I meet already have their own groups.</p>

<p>And yes I wanted to go to a further away school, but my parents revoked the idea AFTER we visited.</p>

<p>But I don’t think academics are the problem because I can fully control how well I want to do on them. On the other hand, I don’t feel like I can control my social life. I know college isn’t about fun, but I miss having friends, and I feel like I’m the only person at school without them. I think I would have this problem wherever I went, but I feel like even at 6500 people Vandy is too big for me.</p>

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<p>I agree, find the student help centers/counseling centers or whatever they are called and go get help. They are fantastic resources. Talk to your adviser, the school probably has some class or seminar you can take on developing good study habits.</p>

<p>ASK FOR HELP. That is the number one thing college students DON’T do. Please don’t be one of them.</p>

<p>Then, once you start getting on track with homework, join something, anything.</p>

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<p>I said that I already called and that I haven’t been able to set up an appointment yet. And I am in clubs and pretty involved, but I don’t think those are a replacement for having friends.</p>

<p>By senior year, I ended up being very close with the people on the debate team, and through them my social life really took off. I haven’t found something like that here, and, no, the college debate team is NOT a good fit for me.</p>

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<p>Chaos - The one thing that no one has said yet is that you’re not alone. Adjusting to a new environment takes time - whether you’re in high school, college, or an adult starting a new job. No matter how happy and well-adjusted your fellow students seem to be, I guarantee that there are many feeling just as out of place as you.</p>

<p>I hate to say it, but it takes time. An absolutely miserable first semester can lead to a fantastic second semester . . . closely followed by three more wonderful years. Part of it is not really knowing anyone very well yet. Part of it is the adjustment to a significantly more difficult workload than most people expect. But, with time, things should improve . . . dramatically.</p>

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<p>chaosakita, in reading your post, DRAMA (as in, theatre/plays) jumps out at me! So I would like to push you to join the theatre club, or better yet, take drama class(es) next semester. </p>

<p>Try to have patience, keep working at making connections, and then suggest study or practise sessions with contacts you’ve made. It WILL lead to friendships.</p>

<p>It’s hard at the beginning. Just keep working on it, and it will happen.</p>

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<p>They’re not a replacement for having friends; they’re an opportunity to make friends – as well as doing whatever it is that the club does, which may help you feel that you have a life.</p>

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<p>As others have suggested, go to the tutoring center. There’s no shame in that. One of my favorite resources is this [How</a> Is College Different From High School? - - SMU](<a href=“http://smu.edu/alec/transition.asp]How”>http://smu.edu/alec/transition.asp), which talks about what you need to do differently to succeed in college.</p>

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<p>So you’ve already noticed a norm: the class clown thing doesn’t work any more. What if you channel that sense of humor in some other way that will get you the kind of positive attention you’d prefer? Start a facebook group or a blog where you make jokes about campus life - or write for the school paper. Some students at my school have just started a comedy club; maybe that could work if your school doesn’t have one already.</p>

<p>You already know to keep trying the counseling center, so I won’t say that again. :slight_smile: Are you staying connected to your old friends from high school? My daughter (who just graduated college) had an ongoing facebook thread with high school friends for at least a couple of years after everyone left home - sometimes you just need to connect with someone you’ve known for years so you don’t have to keep playing those icebreaker kinds of conversations over and over again.</p>

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<p>I am sure that you will be able to make friends. At the college I attended, most people made their friends from their ec’s whether they were sports, greek life, work study jobs, clubs or other similar things. Once you meet some people, you should ask them to get together in between meetings etc. like for lunch, dinner, a movie, a concert, sporting event etc. Sometimes there are great people right under your nose, but you have overlooked them. I am sure that there are folks in your dorm that you haven’t really gotten to know yet. Also, in class try to find someone to connect with by asking for a number in case you miss a class and vice versa. Maybe you can go over problem sets together (if your work is that type).</p>

<p>Don’t underestimate the positive effects of dropping in on a party etc. even if you go alone (but go safely if you do). Maybe you will see some folks you know and they will introduce you to people. You can always just introduce yourself and start talking to people if you don’t know anyone there. It is hard to do this, but once you do it, it gets easier and easier.</p>

<p>FWIW, it took me most of my first year to get adjusted to college. Most of the good friends I had, I met sophomore year. By then I had no problem introducing myself to people I didn’t know, making arrangements to get together with a variety of people.</p>

<p>Of course it is different than HS where everyone knew you for years. My friend’s two kids who have now graduated (one from your college) both said that the friends they made in the beginning did not last past the first two months, and after the beginning was when they made their friends.</p>

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<p>Thanks so much for the response!</p>

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<p>The problem is that my sense of humor isn’t just about being a class clown in school. I feel like I have a pretty “unique” sense of humor but people have consistently described me as funny. Now whenever I try to crack a joke, people just look like I’m from the planet Mars, and I feel like I need to apologize for myself. It is so disconcerting that people seemed to be more accepting in high school and would laugh, even if some people were condescending. And it’s not like I went to a very open-minded high school: I went to school in an affluent white-flight suburb with even less diversity than Vanderbilt.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think people hype college up so there’s inevitably disappointment. I bet people told you “college is great!” and “Vandy’s a great school!” and “you’ll make life long friends!”</p>

<p>But if you’re not happy, that’s all that counts. It isn’t great, you’re not having fun, and you don’t like it there. You are right to face your feelings and admit what you’re feeling. It’s worse if you try to pretend everything’s fine.</p>

<p>If I were you (and I’m not), I would: take care of the stuff that could hurt you (the class you’re not doing so well in); get some help at the local tutoring center; get some sleep (I know – a near impossibility – but everything looks worse when you’re exhausted).</p>

<p>And get information on what your options are. To drop the tough class, or transfer. I think once you let yourself explore those options, you’ll feel better about the school, because the worse part is feeling trapped.</p>

<p>Keep us posted.</p>

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<p>I’ve been impressed with your honesty about yourself and with your ability and willingness to humble yourself at times in order to get help or insight. Think about how these inner resources can serve you well now.</p>

<p>I agree with Marian that clubs offer a means of finding friends. You were very positive about the Secular Student Alliance, and negative about some others. Perhaps devote more time to the club(s) that are going well, and discontinue the others?</p>

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<p>At this very moment, a significant percentage of freshman are writing/saying this very same thing to their parents and high school friends. The sense of let down after the first few weeks at college is nearly universal and not school specific. Everyone thinks its going to be wonderful - it turns out to be hard, and a bit lonely, and well, just life. The other universal is that by the end of winter break, most of those people will be itching to get back to their ‘real life’ as my D calls it. If they didn’t shut themselves away, they will have found people - maybe not best friends forever, but at least a few compatible souls to hang with. For some, it takes a full year, but very few are still completely alone by the time summer arrives. So cut yourself some slack - don’t expect too much too fast. It will happen if you are putting yourself out there (and keep an eye out for all the others who are expressing the same sentiments you are.)</p>

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<p>You shouldn’t need an appointment for the peer tutoring/student help center. Those are usually just walk in type places. Bring your books and assignments and go over there for help.</p>

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<p>Lots of good advice. Long ago my mother told me it takes at least 6 months to make a “good friend” and having moved around numerous times in life I think she’s pretty spot on. Remember you meet someone and through them you meet others and as your circle of contacts expands you’ll find some that you click with in some way, so never discount anyone from the get go as that tenuous acquaintance may lead you to others. Also I do remember that i didn’t make fast friends in college until I got involved in something. My roommate “dragged” me to the organizational meeting and I ended up being president by my senior year of that organization and my good, close friends sprang from those activities. So continue dabbling, but when you find something that interests you stick to it for awhile and see what happens.</p>