Hi! I’m posting here to find out if I’m wrong in this situation. Last night my new roommate (we’ll call her Sarah) and a couple friends and I decided to go to a couple college parties. My roommate didn’t know anyone except me, and she and I kinda know each other, so this was a good way for us to be social together.
All of the people I went with are under 21 and wanted to stay sober, EXCEPT for my roommate Sarah, who is 19 and told me she wanted to drink. I told her that I wasn’t comfortable with that, because 1) I’ve never seen her drunk before so I didn’t know how much I’d have to worry about her, 2) She’s underage, and I don’t feel comfortable with her being drunk if she’s in our group. Everyone else in the group agreed in saying they’d be more comfortable if she didn’t drink.
Sarah agrees to this, and we go to a party. I could tell she wasn’t into it, and she eventually decided to leave early. Later when I get back to my dorm, she confronts me telling me she felt judged and unwelcome for wanting to drink. She argued that 1) parties are for drinking and it would be weird for her not to, 2) there was likely already underage drinking at the party, so it’s kinda hypocrital for us to go to a party like that then not to let her drink. Her perspective was that just being at the party with underage drinking was already illegal (since we’d be complicit if caught), and if we’re willing to go to a party with the potential of illegal activity then she might as well be able to drink.
I told her I still stand by my position. This whole situation is frustrating to me and I feel like it has caused some tension between us. Am I in the wrong for asking her not to drink?
It sounds like the two of you have different social styles and that’s okay. She needs to find a group to go out with that are more interested in drinking or in being her sidekicks when she does. You two can still get along as roommates even if you aren’t doing all of your socializing together.
I’m curious whether she knows her limits… whether she’s thinking about just having one or two drinks or whether she wants to binge drink.
I think you have to agree not to go out together if you can’t agree on the same rules, but yes, I do think you are being judgmental of her for wanting to participate in the party. Just don’t go out together to parties Go to coffee or the library or to a game together.
Honestly I think it’s presumptuous to tell anyone what they can and cannot do. If you aren’t comfortable with something, then don’t be around it, but your roommate should be free to do as she pleases as well.
It’s great that you found a group of like minded friends who don’t care for drinking, but you aren’t in a position where you can tell your roommate what to do. I doubt that her having a drink or two would have imposed harm on your group.
The other posters are correct in saying you can’t tell her what to do or what not to do. However, you and your other non-drinking friends are completely within your rights to not want to be responsible for her if she makes irresponsible decisions and finds herself intoxicated to any degree or in a bad situation as a result of her choices. You were fair in setting those ground rules ahead of time and while she was sober, but perhaps next time do it a little more diplomatically. My guess is that you’ll end up with different sets of friends, and there’s nothing wrong with that at all.
A good roommate situation is one that enjoys mutual respect. You don’t have to be best buddies. Hopefully you can talk about things and be friendly if not friends, but the repset for each other’s space is the important thing.
There is a more up to date version but either buy this or go to the bookstore and just read the section you need. This problem is addressed but don’t have the book here. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/236679.The_Naked_Roommate
Because this will become someone that wants to get high or do something else that you don’t approve of.
I don’t have any issues with you standing your ground in something you believe in. But almost every college I have ever seen has students that are underaged that drink. Wait till the sports start and game day (depending on what school you are at).
But do you have the “right” to tell others what to do… No. But you made your feelings known what you will /will not do in a social situation very clear. So beware when your roommate chooses not to go to social events with you. Also what are you going to do when you see her at a party, drinking and she comes up to you with drink in hand?
As I tell people… Just do you. If she has a problem with drinking that might be another issue.
Also… It’s OK not to feel pressured to drink, get high or whatever.
Again, Just do you.
I don’t think the drinking is as much of a challenge as what do you do once a friend has been drinking. It’s not a good idea to leave a girl who’s been drinking alone but you shouldn’t have to stay so she can party all night either. You could agree to go and stay for a predetermined amount of time so you both get what you want. She can drink and you aren’t forced to hang around longer than you want to just to watch out for her.
So here’s the thing. A lot of underage kids in college go to parties and drink. You really shouldn’t judge or tell your roommate what to do. Maybe just talk about it ahead of time. Find out if she knows her limits. Agree to what level you will look out for one another. Is someone driving? Will you agree to leave together for safety? What’s the plan here?
Honestly I think you will loo back on this (sooner than later) and laugh at how worked up you are.
It’s early in the year and you’re still learning about each other. Mend fences and continue to go to dinner together, go study together, shop for room stuff, whatever, but now you know not to go to parties together. There will be other things you learn too, but make a note of this one and keep going. It’s a long year, but that can be positive or negative depending on how you handle this and your attitude going forward. Not everyone is the same, but you can be different and still be good roommates.
Anyone who says you don’t have the right to tell anyone what to do is not thinking this through all the way. You didn’t tell your roommate she could not drink. You said you would prefer she not drink if she made the decision to hang out with the group of friends. That is no different than telling someone you would prefer they not do drugs while hanging out with you. Or not carry a gun while hanging out with you. Or not shoplift when hanging out with you.
I agree that finding college students who like to drink is about as easy as finding book lovers at a library. There is nothing wrong with the students who drink … but there is also nothing wrong with the students who choose to not include a drinker in their outings.
You can continue to be friends and roommates. Just do your part to keep things friendly.