<p>Hello, everyone!
I really need to get something off my back, and I hope the community here can help me sort this out. I figure this is a common problem, but here goes: I have just graduated high school,a and my mom and I are at odds about the college I'm going to attend. She really wants me to go out of state and live with different family members there, but I really really don't. I'm a very nervous person, socially anxious and like to start cautiously and slowly... the concept of leaving home for another state, living with a bunch of people I don't know that well, and all in my first year terrifies me to tears. My mom says things like I need to "start acting my age" and that "I'll like it once I get used to it"... But of course I would just HAVE to get used to it if that is what it came to. I'm just not comfortable leaving home quite yet. She seems to interpret this as me "clinging" to them and is even more forceful with her opinions.
I understand she wants the best for me, but I've been told by friends that it is MY future... I'd like to be able to decide what to do with it. I'm very uneasy about leaving my comfort zone, but apparently "that is what college is all about". I'm just not ready; I want to do things at my own rate. But no matter how many times I tell my mom this, she always says I "don't have the luxury" to do this (We aren't by any means the richest family) and that I need to take the best offered. It's so incredibly stressful, and has done a real number on my nerves! I just need a third person, unbiased opinion. What do you think? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What is more important: my comfort zone or "the best"? What would be the best move for me to make?</p>
<p>Does your mom think you will get in-state tuition at a state school in another state by doing this? She is probably wrong about that if your parents aren’t also moving there, so either way that needs to be checked out before this move is made.</p>
<p>Sometimes parents do know that their kid needs a shove to try new things sometimes, or some of them would NEVER leave the nest. I don’t hear a plan from you – are you considering living at home and attending community college, then transferring? Or living in a dorm at a college your family can also afford? Or do you have a plan for a productive gap year? Do you have some reason to dislike these relatives you would live with or the school she wants you to attend? Does the school offer the majors you are interested in, and do you have the stats to be admitted? We would need more information to give good advice.</p>
<p>Stop listening to your friends who are telling you it is your future – they are not members of your family, are not paying the bill, and may not have the same perspective your parents have.</p>
<p>Thanks for the reply, intparent.
My ideal situation would be to spend my gap year studying and eventually taking the CLEP test. I’d like to then take at least my first year at a local college, if anything to get in the hang of what it’s about while having my family close by, and commuting to and from home and college each schoolday. If I decide I would like to leave the state (preferably after a first year acclimated to college life), then I would like to choose this on my own terms. Whichever school offers the most is where my mom wants me to go… But even though there are local schools here that I have great chances of getting into, my mom still wants me to put in for out of state schools. I don’t have anything against my relatives at all – I just don’t know them that well, and am nervous about having to take a plane out to live with them suddenly.
(By the way-- if I am interpreting your username right: pleasure to meet a fellow intp here)</p>
<p>I am actually an INTJ. 
“int” parent is for “interested parent”. But people think that all the time.</p>
<p>I am going to say that your plan sounds so tentative, it would make me a little crazy as a parent as well. Transferring is hard – you just get settled in and make friends, then you have to uproot and leave after that. It also isn’t free to commute – you generally need a car, not sure if you have one.</p>
<p>Can you get more specific about what the schools are and what you want to study?</p>
<p>Sure: the schools in my area are very good quality schools; they rank consistently within the top forty universities in the US, and my family as well as many close family friends have commended them. The schools out of state are actually lower on this list, bar one extra-prestigious one. I am a little leery about posting what these schools are, as I don’t want to indicate my location publicly. I would like to study Physics as a major though, with either French or Chinese language studies as my secondary major.</p>
<p>And oh, really? Sorry about that! Very cool getting to meet an INTJ, though – I don’t meet enough, haha! :)</p>
<p>I’ll give you a third option that may not be what you want to hear, but I see some warning signs. I think your level of nervousness about this is way beyond normal. Your mother’s way of dealing with this is to drop you in the deep end of the pool. You want to toe your way in, very, very slowly. I don’t think either way is correct and I think you need to talk to a professional about this, not only for college, but for your future life in general.</p>
<p>I’ve seen anxiety up close, and this level of trepidation shouldn’t be happening. It’s going to restrict you the rest of your life. I suggest you and your mom both go see a psychiatrist who specializes in adolescents, where she can express her fears, you can express yours, and they can gauge if there’s anything they can do for you and get you and your mom on the same page.</p>