college son calling his own shots regardless of what we think...

Parents Forum
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<p>My almost college sophomore (two week folks and he's back in school, to say I'm excited is an understatement) has me at my wits end.</p>

<p>what tales can you tell me about your college aged guys suddenly up and deciding to do something that they know might will be met with some resistance from their parents, so instead of having any real conversation and hearing their parents out, (concerns, advice, and whatnot), they just up and decide to do it anyway and suffer the consequences later. Honestly after three older kids I'm getting bored with all this stuff.</p>

<p>My son is excellent at saying he's sorry. I had to turn him away this last time because I told him he was full of you know what, that he knew I'd have a problem with his spontaneous decision and how he went about it (didn't come home at all, left town the next day but said he tried to call and let me know, went sky diving with friends, cost a ton, said he'd thought about calling but it was late and he didn't want to wake us). I told him I didn't want to hear his half #$%'d apology (after the fact), so unless he was telling me he was quiting school and moving out to form his own start up and make so much $ he'd be taking me on cruises for the rest of my life, I wasn't interested in hearing his "I'm sorry Mom". For what it's worth I texted him and asked if he was planning on telling us all about it at 10,000 feet?!!?</p>

<p>Keep in mind he has older brother's and sisters and thinks he's much older than he is, also, he caused me lots of grief over the high school years with his teenage antics (apparently still is) so he avoids having to sit down and talk man to mom if you know what I mean. Add to that my Husband has taken a new tack (hey he's just finished battling cancer and is tired too) with him and figures as long as he doesn't kill himself, all mistakes are lessons learned and he'll just have to suffer the consequences. If he screws up, that's his problem.</p>

<p>Okay parents give me your best shot, what would you do?</p>

<p>In case you think I'm doing my best to hold onto little Johnny and not cut the apron strings, I've been pretty darn nice this summer, staying in the background and my rules are pretty straightforward and fair I think:</p>

<p>let me know where you're going if you know, otherwise call/text me if you are not coming home
let me know you're home with a simple head pop in my room and a "good night folks, I'm home"
no curfew, he can handle that by now
come home sober
help out around the house if needed
pick up after yourself including your room</p>

<p>I mean for gosh sakes, what more could he ask for?</p>

<p>The crazy thing is, with his latest venture, I probably would have been onboard except it was pricey and he's a terrible saver, will probably have to get a job like he did freshmen year when he ran out, hated it and swore this summer would be different, he'd save every penny! Famous last words from Mr. Eat All His Meals Out. We don't pay for much beyond tuition so he's got to be able to do everything else, clothes, books, spending money, car insurance (pro-rated for summer months, still owes me for that sigh). I've taken to referring to him as Diamond Jim because well - it fits.</p>

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<p>I would agree with that sentiment - right up to the point where the behavior started having negative effects on other members of the family or the community. As to your list,</p>

<p>let me know where you’re going if you know, otherwise call/text me if you are not coming home - Unreasonable demand to put on an adult who’s been away at college not needing to check in with anyone. It would be nice if he took the initiative, of course</p>

<p>let me know you’re home with a simple head pop in my room and a “good night folks, I’m home” - ditto</p>

<p>no curfew, he can handle that by now - agree, shouldn’t even be a question</p>

<p>come home sober - absolutely justified</p>

<p>help out around the house if needed - absolutely justified</p>

<p>pick up after yourself including your room - I could go either way on this one. His room is his room. As long as there’s no health department hazards, I’d just close the door. The rest of the house, absolutely.</p>

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<p>Agree with annasdad except for the point above. I don’t think you need to know where he’s going, but if he’s not coming home over night, he should text or call. You guys are not roommates…he is a member of your family. If your husband wasn’t coming home, I would hope he would let you know and the other way around.</p>

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<p>May be your tuition payments should come with strings attached.</p>

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<p>He was smart enough to wear a parachute. Give the kid a break.</p>

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<p>I’m with mini on this one… The kid will grow up AND will learn from his mistakes, but he is also trying to establish his independence… LET HIM !</p>

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<p>Nothing like independent sons, is there??? </p>

<p>Ours had worked the summer before starting college, but did nothing the first summer home from college except stay in his room, eat our food and create dirty dishes. The next summer he met my get a job/take a local college course/volunteer requirement for being home. Then had an apartment- and also spent one summer OOS for a REU. Never a summer home again. Now visits home.</p>

<p>It is polite to let people you live with know when to expect you- spouses do, so should the adult kids at home. Closed doors equal out of sight out of mind. Towels and sheets, plus personal laundry, get clean when done by student. Their bathroom likewise if you don’t use it. Three months later you do the summer cleanup after they leave. We also made the rounds collecting dirty dishes when we were running the dishwasher- absent minded son left 4 bowls plus spoons on the computer desk shelf once. Many frustrations with a clash of lifestyles.</p>

<p>Your H has it right about the lessons learned. Relax, mom. Your son will do best when he has to. Enjoy your freedom when he leaves and don’t worry. Sounds like you and your son have “issues”- the best way I have of describing how son and I didn’t get along his teen years. We both need to adjust to our different ways of doing things- he more tolerant of mine and me ignoring his (anyone else feel like their child is trying to parent them sometimes?). By now you both know how to push each other’s buttons. Accept him for who he is, not who you want him to be, so you can enjoy each other. That will make it easier for him to accept your ingrained habits.</p>

<p>There is a reason kids leave the nest. Small doses of them are best for all. We talk to son much more now that he is 21 and self sufficient.</p>

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<p>Sudden risk-taking behavior and grandiose plans to start a business that will make millions? Is it possible he is bipolar?</p>

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<p>Or Bill Gates? (who probably is bipolar?)</p>

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<p>While I sympathize with your feelings, and have many of the same problems with my kids, I have to say that sneaking out to go sky-diving, while hair-raising for a parent, is a lot less troublesome than what many kids sneak out to do.</p>

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<p>Never heard that Bill Gates might be bipolar. Ted Turner, yes. Bill Gates, no.</p>

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<p>BTW, my DH and sons all went skydiving together :eek: Whats worse, besides using a groupon so had to worry if they got the cheap parachutes (jk), they chatted with a gentleman reading a book in large print, who said he was legally blind, so read these books. Ok… wait for it (and I kid you not-- this is the absolute truth…</p>

<p>.
.
.
.
.he
…
.
was
.
.
.
.
.the
.
.
.
.
.PILOT !!!</p>

<p>:eek:</p>

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<p>Well, glad she jumped.</p>

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<p>Who are you posting to, mini? Soundls like all the people here who jumped out of perfectly good airplanes had a Y chromosome.</p>

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<p>My son just turned 18 yesterday and has been calling his own shots for the last 12 months. No problems yet. Of course I have an 18 year old nerd. :wink: </p>

<p>Maybe its time to cut some apron strings a bit, let the circumstances speak for themselves.</p>

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<p>We explicitly had a skydiving discussion, prompted by seeing skydivers and having 2 of us (S and myself) exclaim, “I want to do that!” and H saying “over my dead body.” We came to a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy, which means that if S goes skydiving (or bungee jumping) with buddies at college and doesn’t tell H, it’s all fine.</p>

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<p>Happy b’day to your s, proudmom. I have tecchie nerds too. They still jumped out of airplanes. One s did it twice, and bungee jumped from the second highest one in the world! Sigh…</p>

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<p>Oh jym626, ROFLOL! That is so funny! Let me guess, no one but you thought it might be a problem that the pilot was legally blind! Haha, that is the best story! Maybe that was why they had a groupon lol!</p>

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<p>Thank heavens I didn’t hear about it til they were all back on terra firma, deb! </p>

<p>They told me about the videos they had to watch-- some guy that apparently looked like ZZ Top saying “dont even think about suing us. Sign the waivers. We don’t own anything and the land is leased. Don’t sue us. You are doing this at your own risk.” Followed by a second “training” video that said “In case you weren’t paying attention to the previous video, did we mention we don’t own anything. Don’t sue us”.</p>

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<p>Thanks jym626~! Now officially the parent of an adult. @__@ Hopefully you have some extra insurance on yours, sounds like it may come in handy . :wink: Good for them~!</p>