Hi Everyone,
My son, not the world’s best student but solid enough, went to community college for a year, and started at a nice 4-year University last fall. Two months in, he was suspended, then arrested for possession of a large bag of marijuana. He has not been convicted; in a probation program which requires him to drug test 3x/week, attend weekly therapy and 2 group therapy sessions each week. He’s destroyed about what he did. He wants to get back into school as soon as he can. He loved being part of a university; doesn’t want to go back to community college. He wants to apply to a state school for this fall. Full disclosure is required and he knows he must be completely honest and thorough. Question: what are his chances of being accepted anywhere at this point? Does anyone else have a son/daughter who has gone through this type of thing? Thanks in advance.
Can he not go back to his original school?
He should be able to get back into some university, but might take a while. I would suggest contacting the schools you’re interested in and ask their policy.
Even if he goes back to a CC and takes classes he can show that he’s moving forward with his life.
Was this a pre-trial intervention? Charges are dropped if they meet requirements set by the State Attorney’s Office? Check with his home University, they likely have a policy on this, and it may be a 1 or 2 semester suspension (which he may have already served).
Try something located in Colorado?
How large was this bag? Is he being charged with intent to distribute? That is a pretty hefty sentence for just a bag of weed.
Hi! Gator88, it IS pre-trial intervention. The school gave him 4 semesters- that was separate from the arrest (which happened 2 days later). You make me wonder, though, if they may reconsider reinstating him earlier if they see he has completed the program?
Roman: he is being charged with intent to distribute.
your momma: Def. have considered Colorado!
I wonder if contacting the admissions counselor at the school he is applying to would help give him some insight about his chances.
They may reconsider, it doesn’t hurt to ask.
Good Luck!
The intent to distribute is going to be a big sticking point. As far as most colleges are concerned, intent to distribute = drug dealer.
Are you comfortable that he’s no longer in contact with that group of friends/associates?
We know a couple of students who’ve gone through similar (not identical) situations.
When applying to other schools, he will need to be honest about the circumstances, and that will be the best approach for his own growth. So that will probably be difficult, at least in the short run. So his current school might be the best alternative.
The most important thing, though, is that he deals with the drug issue. If he’s arrested again, or continues to use regularly, the question of where he goes to college will seem trivial.
Here’s one idea: go work at a national park for a year. Xanterra and Delaware North are concessionaires, staffing hotels, restaurants, shops, etc. in the parks. Housing is often provided (so no leases, utilities, etc.). Sometimes food is subsidized. At the larger parks (think Grand Canyon, Yosemite, etc.), there are pretty large communities living in dorm/college type housing. There is, at least generally, drug testing, and federal drug laws apply, which is a disincentive to use (and also a risk if one does). I think being in nature and making one’s own money can provide important opportunities for growth.
Next year, maybe he could show that growth in an application to be reinstated at his university, which he apparently likes, at an earlier date than the four semesters. Sometimes schools want students in this situation to spend some time away from school so they have time to mature away from the classroom. If he can show he has grown and is ready to move forward, I’d think the school would be willing to consider shortening the suspension.
For you, it’s a difficult time. Trust that many other families go through the same thing. There are many paths, and young people take many different ones. A year off can seem like an eternity but in fact goes by quickly. Just be there with unconditional love to help him figure out how to get on a path that is healthy and productive for himself. Good luck!
I agree with TTG, especially the last paragraph.
Is he done with that lifestyle? Has that been part of the discussion?
Someone in my town experienced something similar. I believe he even spent a year in jail. He transferred to a small local state university, graduated, recently got married and has a good job in marketing, I think. Your son’s life is not over. He made a mistake. I would not recommend going back to his old school, however. He needs a fresh start.
Wow. I have never participated in a forum and I must say I am overwhelmed with gratitude that you all have taken the time to share your thoughts.
TTG, you have given me a lot to think about. Our son has been through a lot. He’s 21 now. So I think there seems to be a pressure to “move forward already!”…but, your comments help me think about this in a different way. The process will take the time it will, take. Maybe he does just need to re-set in an entirely different environment. He loves the city/state he is in, would like to stay there, and his probation situation is ideally set up for him to stay in the same area until he’s completed the program- however it IS transferable. So. Lots to think about there. Thank you for your time from the bottom of my heart; as you acknowledged, this is a fantastic, devastating nightmare for us and impossible to share with many friends, so we are pretty alone with trying to sort out what to do. Largely we make him deal with stuff on his own- he IS 21- the guy is trying hard but he has off the charts ADD and executive function issues. This is all so critical, it’s hard for me to totally stand by. I’ve gone on too long! Sorry! Thanks again.
East Coast: so so glad to hear a hopeful story. Thank you.
Milee and Trisherella: you ask the most important questions: is he clear of all of this crap and these people? This situation has been a huge GIFT, because he lives every. Single. Day. With the possibility of going to prison. All it would take is one, maybe two, failed drug tests or missed appointments. It’s totally mortifying. The beauty of this program is the intense therapy weekly- and ACUPUNCTURE - to help him cope with his Marijuana addiction. He is clean and feeling so much better and there is NO WAY he would put himself in this situation again. This is a kid who finally - finally felt what being a legitimate, successful member of a college community feels like and is devastated that he threw it away. NOW that being said: he will still have his head firmly up his @ss for many years to come. He will do other incredibly idiotic things. But this? Illegal drug stuff? No.
OP- I’d encourage you to modulate your thinking a bit to help your son. NO WAY he’d put himself in this situation again? You don’t know that. You HOPE that, but you don’t know that.
The best path forward is with your eyes open, not in a fugue of disappointment/denial.
If you haven’t seen a counselor yet (for yourself) I’d encourage you to do so. You need a safe space to talk, vent, get angry, and learn some coping mechanisms.
There are millions of parents out there whose kids messed up, then got clean, then messed up again on the path to a long term future. If your current worldview is that your son simply won’t mess up again because the consequences were so severe, you need a loving reality check. He’s on the path-- and you are supporting him step by step which is great. But the black and white thinking-- he’ll never do it again- is not your friend.
I am troubled that you feel like you are going through this alone. You don’t have a single friend or neighbor IRL who has dealt with something similar? How isolating. See if there is a support group- maybe your local hospital has one? Just being in the same room with parents who have walked down the road and hearing their stories can help.
Big hug. You sound like terrific parents.
You might be surprised that people who you’re not particularly close to right now might become closer friends if you take the plunge and reach out. It’s scary and makes you feel vulnerable, but it’s surprising how many good people there are out there who will be supportive. My oldest son was a really, really tough kid when he was little. At that time it felt like we were surrounded by all these perfect families with perfect kids living perfect lives and here I had this kid who never slept and had all sorts of behavior issues. When I finally started being comfy enough to be honest with people - mentioning that my son struggled with behavior and we were working on it or confessing there were things about being a mom that weren’t all sweetness and happiness… I found an incredible group of friends. Yes, some people looked at me with disgust and turned away. Fine - they were never going to be friends anyways. But many more responded with empathy and then shared their stories about what they and their kids were struggling with. We were the “not perfect” group and it turned out that was a good place.
Can you think of two to three people in your life that you might be able to share with? Live support would be helpful.
Perfection you see on the outside is filled with cracks and dirts inside. Smiles often hide pains underneath.
I don’t mean to turn this into a political or pro-/anti-MJ discussion by any means, but I just wanted to point out that it’s a shame the MJ laws in the USA are so wildly different by state. I don’t know how much MJ the OP’s son had in possession, but here in Massachusetts, anything under an ounce (which is a pretty large bag of weed) was decriminalized on a 2008 ballot measure well before MMJ and recreational was subsequently legalized. The OP’s son sounds very fortunate to have the love, support, and resources to turn the situation around into a positive experience. But it seems like a heavy-handed way to learn a lesson – and it sounds like his punishment could have been stricter!
Put another way, if he was caught getting a keg for a party as an underage minor, would his punishment and stigma be the same?
More data will eventually come to light about the uses, benefits, and possible hazards of MMJ. There’s a chance that MJ might have helped the OP’s son in a way with his ADHD. Anecdotally I’ve heard this can be the case. I’m glad to hear that the OP’s son is getting therapy and acupuncture – both very helpful for most anyone in any situation. I just hate the notion that this young man is labeled a criminal (even mildly so). At best he was self-medicating – even with intent to distribute, it was most likely to pay for his own supply; at worst he was just a kid who wasn’t considering the risks involved.
I wish the OP’s son all the best in his journey forward. And agree with others here who have commended the OP on being a wonderful parent. Take good care.
You’re welcome.
It’s tough with ADD and executive functioning issues. K-12 classrooms can be quite rigid in structure, partially out of necessity as overworked teachers try to manage 100+ students every day. In addition, and probably related, in a class, one of my professors said that studies show that over 90% of teachers are from the 2 most structured, rules oriented Meyers-Briggs personality categories (there are 16 possible M-B categories). This makes these classrooms a difficult environment for those with less structured and rules oriented personalities, and those with executive functioning issues. When students go off to college, there’s less structure but a greater challenge in managing their time because so much of the work is done outside the classroom, on their own initiative.
I’ll use dysgraphia (difficulty in writing) as an example. I know a student with dysgraphia (also executive functioning deficit). They are right handed but write at the same level right handed as left handed. (Writing requires a different mind/body connection than other manual tasks.) I liked school and was a good student, but it would have been much harder if I (a right hander) had had to go to class every day and write left handed, which is essentially the case for this dysgraphic student. And I’d imagine it’s similar for an ADD/executive functioning deficit student going into an environment that requires a lot of managing assignments, time, papers, homework, etc.
It could feel a lot like failure. So I’m sure it’s hard for your son. And sometimes I think drug use can be related (obviously not always). And, whatever, the specific dynamic, it can be very hard for parents and people in education to figure out how to most effectively address what’s going on.
Colleges vary, but most are pretty good these days at working with students with learning disabilities. When he does go back, I’d recommend trying to get ahead of things and have your son establish a relationship with a counselor or some other mentor. There are often once-a-week classes on learning and the mechanics of being a student. Sometimes if a student can go through a semester or two with some close supervision, then they can figure out how to do it themselves. I think especially for males who seem in general to struggle with the school demands placed on them. They usually get it in the long run but sometimes it puts them behind the 8-ball, which is where persistence and resilience comes into play.
It sounds like your son has made it pretty far, which is great. He seems interested in his education and likes his school, which is also great. He has some motivation. Those are things he can build on.
Again, I’m a big proponent of spending time in nature. I don’t think we really evolved to be spending age 3-22 in a classroom a large part of the day. I think just being in nature, in whatever way, can be very helpful to mental health. This is just an opinion, not a medical assertion, but I think something to think about. Also, work can be very helpful. Even routine jobs can be a source of pride and a feeling of contributing to the community, sometimes in a way that turning in a homework assignment or completing a test can’t. It can be an esteem builder.
It seems really hard in the present. Maybe focus the future. When your son is 30, you (together) want to be able to look back at this arrest as a brief detour on his successful path, in the same way that if he had done something outrageously unhelpful when he was fifteen and was doing very well now it would just seem like, wow, I can’t believe I did that. From that perspective of 30, it won’t seem very important whether he graduated from this school or that school, or found some other productive path, or if he graduated at 23 or 24 or 25. What will be important is that he is healthy and happy and has put himself in a place where he can live a productive life that feels authentic to him. Then the question becomes how can I help him get there from where things stand now.