College Sophomore with no friends!

Student Lounge College Life
21

<p>Hi,</p>

<p>I'm so glad that you have come to this forum to share your experiences with us all. We care.</p>

<p>I am the parent of a soon-to-be 21-yr-old son, who is now a college junior. At first, DS chose a small liberal arts college about 1.5 hrs from home. DS was a very talented swimmer, who was a recruited athlete. He was a very kind and gentle young man, who was also a bit shy and reserved. He also had some learning differences, but nothing awful. The transition to college for him was in a word "horrible." He couldn't balance swimming and school work, so he was forced to leave the team. He found a wonderful girlfriend, who professed her undying love then cheated on him, then dumped him midyear. He was rushed by and pledged a community-service-oriented social frat, then was dumped prior to initiation because of disabilities (...a federal legal issue here). His attempts at making meaningful friendships were difficult. He had some friends, but in general life was pretty bumpy for him. His grades were all over the lot, and he struggled mightily. He was sick all the time, and came home after the spring semester looking very sorry.</p>

<p>It hurt me to see DS like that, but I knew that this was an opportunity for him to make some decisions and know that out of the worst of situations can come strength and success. At first, DS wanted to quit school. I told him to wait it out...think about transferring, think about a year off to engage in some worthwhile activity, think about going to community college for a while. He took my advice. He took one summer school class, applied for transfer to a fine public university within a short commute, took on a fulltime summer job as a vet treatment asst, etc. DS came to realize that the environment of the college he had been attending was just toxic for him, aka a "bad fit." As soon as he moved to the new institution, EVERYTHING fell into place for him.</p>

<p>The point I'm trying to make is:
-- give yourself a little time to try to make your current situation work for you
-- seek out support counseling at your school...no one wants to see you suffer...and, remember, whether they admit it or not, ALL freshman, sophomores, etc. feel this disjointedness. You are NOT alone.
-- if you have an area of interest, join a club the focuses on that
-- early in the semester(s), befriend your instructors. When they see you as a human being with strengths and weaknesses and struggles, they respect your openness and are MUCH more willing to work with you and mentor you
-- like one OP suggested, maybe pick up a parttime job on campus in an area you are interested in or one that brings you into contact with others (like the info desk in the student center)
-- if these steps don't do it for you, you can always make other plans...just take your time and make them in a calm, deliberate manner.</p>

<p>As the parent of a DS who had an absolutely dismal start to college, I am here to tell you it absolutely can be turned around. My son, who often got midterm F's his first year is now a dean's list student on the verge of being inducted into an honor society. He is happy without swimming, and has taken up softball instead and works out at the gym. He works at the vet's on break. He has a wonderful girlfriend. And, he's close to snagging an internship in his major field of study.</p>

<p>Please, please don't be discouraged...just keep evaluating your experiences and substitute those that don't work with those that do. That's a valuable life lesson. EVERYONE goes through this...don't let them tell you otherwise. I know that you can do it. You are very worthwhile, you just need to take the time to find your path. From experience (my own and my son's), I know it WILL happen.</p>

<p>Please write back and let us know how it's going for you. :)</p>

22

<p>the counseling center could be a great blessing for you. if your parents just divorced, they probably didn't notice some of the ways it affected you, and you could use someone who is older to simply talk about this big fork in the road in your life..when your parent's relationship failed. You need to get to know yourself and to respect yourself better...please please go to the counseling center and ask to process your parent's divorce and talk about how isolated you are feeling.<br>
You can most definitely be happier and learn the skills for making some friendships grow in your life. Please give yourself a break. The counselors in a college get a ton of students in your age bracket dealing with parental divorce every single year. Sounds like your mother does not have good problem solving skills if she thinks studying more will help you with your social isolation right now. </p>

<p>We can't get everything we need from our parents...we all need to also attach to other adults and peers and to learn from others outside of our family. You need this skill to help you make it into your next chapter of life. Your mother is probably doing the best she can but it is not enough for your right now. </p>

<p>Start in the counseling center. Don't let another week go by.</p>

<p>My parents also divorced when my sister and I left for college. They had zero idea how their behavior affected us, and were too busy trying to cope with their own drastically different lives to help us much. I resisted talking to a counselor for a long time but it was intense relief when I finally did. </p>

<p>Please begin at the counseling office. You will probably have to talk in an initial interview about what is bothering you, then they will assign someone on staff for just you after that. Commit to going at least six times. This is a good place to begin to reach out past your parents. The counselor will understand that the thing most important to you is to build friendships with people your own age......but give yourself a break. This is a skill set...you just need help and some coaching to learn it. And you need someone to acknowledge what has been going on in your life. When you understand your family and your personality a bit better, it will also translate into making it easier to make friends. </p>

<p>Everyone has a story. Tell yours to a counselor in private...and I predict you will become better at realizing that everyone you meet also has their own story too. </p>

<p>I wish you well. Have faith in yourself. You can change and things will change. Trust someone in the counseling office. This is one of those moments in your life when you need a Bridge, an adult who can help you make a "crossing" ...believe it or not these difficult passages are sometimes what helps a person change and grow.</p>

23

<p>To add to the much advice, I would recommend that the next time you're in a class, after it's over, just talk to someone about what happened, ask them if they want to come together in a study group, and eventually get to know them by talking about other things.</p>

<p>Slowly, and steadily, you can expand the area of people you talk with and know.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

24

<p>when all else fails collgeboi, get a facebook! That's how plenty of people make friends and there is no shame making friends via internet. Really, just add a few random people that go to your school. If they add you, great. If they don't, who cares?</p>

25

<p>Facebook? Are you serious? I don't know how to break it to you but "friends" on facebook are hardly your friends in real-life. </p>

<p>Some of the advice on here is pretty horrible. It sounds like you are a very socially awkward person to begin with which is probably not entirely your fault since your parents themselves (or your mom anyway) think that not having friends is ok.</p>

<p>Working on your confidence is the only way you're going to make friends. Why don't you try talking to your hall-mates in your dorm? Find a common interest or join an organization you're interested in. Just talk to people man, it's not high-school, 95% of people are going to pretty personable if you just start up a conversation about a shared interest. Another good idea would be to get involved with some organization or group on campus you would not normally be interested in; how about camping, hiking or dancing? That can be a good way to get a little confidence and meet some people.</p>

<p>Therapy could also be useful.</p>

26

<p>I'm not going to lie to you, but theres a reason people say "good looks can get you rich." Make sure you are definitely in shape and in healthy condition. If you are a back-sloucher, fix it NOW. Make sure you don't look like you're lazy (long beard without purpose, unhealthy hair etc). I know a lot of people are going to flame at me, but I think looks IS a deciding factor for many people.</p>

<p>Other than that, I think everyone mentioned most of the stuff already. Is your college by a city? If you feel that you are not ready to take those big leaps, start with small ones first. Go to a local social attraction (bar, nightclub) or just take the city bus and talk to people. Anything social will stimulate you to become more social.</p>

27

<p>jwlstn, that's funny. You know, I actually have true friends that happen to use the same networking site as me. I assumed it could work in the reverse, which I'm sure is true in some cases. I guess you've had little luck with either, and I can see why from that attitude.</p>

28

<p>i_set : Like Thomas Friedman said, don't be on facebook, be on your face!</p>

29

<p>I have to disagree with some advice here.</p>

<p>It's very difficult to make friends from random people in your classes. It's difficult to form a relationship one on one, as would occur most likely when you just randomly talking to someone before class. It's a HUGE leap from asking someone what the HW assignment is to asking them to go to the dining hall. BUT, a good thing to do is to see a group from your classes/major studying together and to go up to them. Ask them a question you know they can answer and maybe complain about the professor or something. Don't be too pushy when trying to make friends. There has to be a progression to a friendship.</p>

<p>I hate to say it, but you missed a good opportunity to make friends when you skipped the first week of school. BUT, that's still your best bet. Going to bars, ice cream socials, or clubs by yourself is going to awkward. The people there are already paired up in groups and groups tend to not randomly add in a non-group member unless they're EXTREMELY outgoing.</p>

<p>My advice: Leave your door open and try to talk to people on your floor. If a group of people are talking near your door, give them a quick hello or make a comment about what they're talking about. If it gets awkward, you always have an out by going into your room saying you have HW or something. Also, maybe order a pizza and ask if anyone wants your extras. People love free food.</p>

<p>Any of this sounds good to you or anyone else? I have some more ideas. Maybe I'll write them later, but don't hold your breath.</p>

30

<p>You can make friends by talking to people in class. I'm taking some college classes for fun now, and have seen students become friends as a result of talking to each other in class. A conversation at the end of class led to students grabbing a bite to eat together, and that led to friendships.</p>

<p>Even though I'm old enough to be the other students' mom, I've done some things with students in college classes I've taken for fun. For instance, one student and I took an acting workshop together. If we were the same age, we'd probably be good friends now. </p>

<p>I even know people my age who met their spouses in college classes. This particularly can happen in classes that have discussions or other interactions. You can get to know your classmates well in those classes.</p>

31

<p>Everyone above has offered you great advices.
My advice would be:
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. I REPEAT...YOU WILL MAKE FRIENDS. YOU WILL SUCCEED. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. YOU CAN DO IT. APPROACH PEOPLE. SAY HI. SMILE. LAUGH. GET IN SHAPE. BE OPTIMISTIC! HAVE FUN! (and also the other outstanding advices they gave)</p>

<p>i believe in you that if you go out, and approach people you will make friends. Do you believe in yourself? =) (SAY YESSSSSSSS!)</p>

32

<p>I think the thing you should remember is that everybody wants to make friends. When I was about 14/15 I was in a similar though less drastic situation at school. I was scared to ask people to do things after school and so on.
What really made the difference for me was something my mum told me......she said that everyone always wants to meet new people. Its a natural thing. People love to talk and socialise. So if you make an effort to meet people- say hi in the dorm lounge and ask how they are etc....then it will work out. It did for me.
On a practical note, if you're talking to someone and it gets awkward, ask them about themselves. People love to talk about themselves and they like people who let them do that. Ask about their holidays, classes, where they're from, what they think of college, what they want to do........
good luck man.</p>

33

<p>Please ignore my grammars for now, I’ll trying to write a reply back since it been a while, and I have essay and final to study for.</p>

<p>Thanks Icanread, I’m trying to get a work study job next quarter</p>

<p>I do go to campus in state but it about an 8 hours drive away from my house, and the people who I went to high school with don’t go to the same school as me. I try joining several clubs but it never work out because most of them already knew each other as roommates, floor mates, and friends, and since my school has so little clubs, it hard trying to meet people. </p>

<p>Thanks BodaciousG, good advice but I have manage to survive last year being alone. I never thought of it that way, I always figure you go to meet people, go to parties, meet girls, etc… I didn’t really have to pay much for college, it was all grant for me. No unfortunately even when I’m in shape I still feel lonely, so it doesn’t really boost up my confidence, but lately I been eating a lot off junk food, and the only upside to this is that I’m working out daily. I only eat one meal a day, I hate having to eat alone in the dinning hall, and I hate having to spent money on foods, most day I go to MacDonald and buy a few burgers from it value menu.</p>

<p>Do you feel good about yourself? Hmm I’m not sure at this point.</p>

<p>I’m not sure what you mean by first generation American? I’m a very unsocial animal right now.</p>

<p>Thanks MattsMomFL, I like this school a lot, it has such a beautiful campus, and it beach is beautiful, but I would move school in a heartbeat if I know somewhere out there was a right school for me, but of course if I transfer I’m only going to a lower rank school with probably no prestige and there is no guarantee that I would make friends either way. I might just ruin my future by transferring.</p>

<p>I have use the counseling center all of last year and the first few week of this year to no avail. They don’t anything beside listen, and I feel even worst once I leave their office. I heard some school have great counseling services, but unfortunately mind isn’t one of them. I had to go through 4 different counselor until I could not take any more of their “fake” service, and withdraw.</p>

<p>Thanks for the advice Chrisr88, I think that is a great advice, I’ll keep that in mind.</p>

<p>LOL thanks rliftnk, but you live in NY, which is thousand of miles where I live. Your school does sound awesome btw. All off you guys seem so nice, there not many nice people at my school, just watch the riot trying to get onto the bus and you know what I mean. </p>

<p>Augustuscaesar I try talking to my classmates but all my class is in a large lecture of over 500 students, and I don’t see them the next class time, and I’m not one to know how to get someone phone number within the first meeting, and I also don’t have very good social skill either way.</p>

<p>Sorry just to let everyone know about the confusion, my parents were in a fight to get a divorce, but they are still together. For the first months, they were fighting constantly, so it really threw me down into my depression, and I guess it was a bad impression so no one really got to know me last year. I do go to the gym almost daily or whenever I can, but I’m not good at approaching people.</p>

<p>M’s Mom everything you suggest sound so awesome, but my school well it kind of not that friendly. Like what I wrote above, I have weak social skill and I’m not any kind of a leader to create a group and invite people, but thank you for that advices. </p>

<p>All of your advices sound so great, it make me wonder if I had gone to the wrong college, or the only one I got accepted to…</p>

<p>Thank you OrangeBlossom for sharing your son’s story with me. He very lucky to have you, you still very active in your son progress. I wish that was the case with me, but one thing that isn’t clear to me, is if your son is indeed shy, how did he even get a girlfriend? Don’t shy guys usually don’t get a girlfriend unless those rare occasion when a girl ask a guy out?</p>

<p>Thank you silversuz1, I’ll keep your advice in mind.
s
I--set, I hate FACEBOOK, sorry it make me feel more lonely then I already am. The most number off friend I had on Facebook was 7, and all of which who I don’t even know or even seen them before. I don’t see any point unless I had real friends to be on face book in the first place. Other people have suggest the same thing as well, but I register 3 times, and each time after a few week, I delete it again.</p>

<p>Thank You jwistn, you sort of read my mind about Facebook. I try talking to my dorm mates but they usually just ignore me or in their own group which I’m afraid to approach, because it would be awkward if I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to join a acting class, dancing club, hiking club, martial art club, but it was all full and they won’t have it this quarter around.</p>

<p>Caltech87, good advices, I don’t know what you mean by back-sloucher but does dressing nice count as look? My college is locate in a liberal ocean/forest community. I would not want to go to a bar or nightclub alone, because I would just be the outsider looking in or standing near a wall. I take the city bus all the time, but I never see any off those people, well mostly girls I talk to again.</p>

<p>ROFL theGame is Triple H? Anyway I didn’t get it but it sound funny.</p>

<p>Dontno, you do know what your talking about. I could never be able to talk about homework and then move it to something like asking them to eat with me, I guess I don’t know how to do that transition. I try approaching a group, but I always feel like their judging me, and it hard for me to feel comfortable in a group of more than 2 people. Dontno, lol aren’t you the bearer of bad news, sorry I know my college life is pretty screw because of the first freshman meeting last year. Sigh I left my door open for 2 week straight and no one </p>

<p>A weak yes…I’m not sure at this point fabxx</p>

34

<p>try to appear more happy and friendly, even if you feel miserable inside. studies have shown that people who you laughed with are the ones you associate more as friends and they see you the same way
try to get phone numbers of people who seem really nice and who you could possibly click with. its not awkward if you've seen the person a few times and who seems really nice, to just say 'let me get your number'</p>

<p>"BUT, a good thing to do is to see a group from your classes/major studying together and to go up to them. Ask them a question you know they can answer and maybe complain about the professor or something. Don't be too pushy when trying to make friends. There has to be a progression to a friendship."
this has worked for me. just see some people you may want to be friends with, ask them questions about the class and such. as the semester goes, you guys will get to know each other better and will become friends</p>

35

<p>I will say one thing about social skills that hasn't really been mentioned yet: they are actually skills. They take time to learn and polish, just like any other skill. In the short term (up to 6 months or so), it can be like a roller coaster (you have your high points and low points). However, if you keep 'practicing', then you should improve over the long term (A year or more). This is coming from someone who was in your position in high school, collegeboi99.</p>

<p>By the way, the way you described your school (liberal ocean/forest community, 15,000 students, half live on campus), I'm wondering: do you go to UC Santa Cruz by any chance?</p>

36

<p>i think going to the gym is a good idea. i know this osunds like a very thoughtless idea but imo, it'll work cuz :</p>

<p>1)preoccupies you when ur not studying
2)at gym ur usually by urself anyways
3)ur doing ur body good!
4)u can start conversation with people at the gym (ex: hes not doing something right like his form when hes bench pressing is wrong. then just start convo like "hey do u come to this gym often" "cya around"
5)once u've been to the gym a lot, then girls will flock to you :D</p>

<p>after building some confidence at the gym (a great place to build confidence lol), maybe u can meet new people</p>

37

<p>Making friends is not easy. However, you just have to keep trying. One way I made friends was just by working with people in my classes. In my operations class this past semester I made a bunch of friends with people I probably would have never talked to in the past. My operations class was very project based so that gave me an excuse to work with other people. After spending 15 hours a week 4 times a semester working on a project, staying up until ungodly hours in the night, you tend to become friends with people. Find a group project based class and try to take one every semester. If you're forced to work with a group of 5 people for extended periods of time over the course of a semester you'll become friends with at least one of them. Then you'll hang out with those people more and become friends with their other friends. I discovered this sort of by accident, but it really does work. I know it's hard to imagine transitioning from talking about your work to talking about something fun/social, but it'll happen. Just smile and act friendly. </p>

<p>People on here are telling you to join organizations, but I can personally say I havn't made any friends from that sort of thing. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it's pretty hard unless you are really involved in the club. You could always try to get really involved in something, anything, but it gets harder as college goes on. Next semester pick some club that you are interested in and will give you the opportunity to be involved in a group or committee. Find a frat or sorority that you like and rush. Even though you're a sophomore there should be a few that are open to taking upperclassmen. While you might not be the biggest fan of greek life, it's a really easy way to expand your social network, especially since you will always have a house full of people where someone will be willing to hang out at any given time. A job also works well too, but pick one where you work with people your age and you will be able to interact with them. The library might have lots of students there, but it's not the most social environment. </p>

<p>I'm sure you'll find something and be able to break out of your shell and make friends. Good luck.</p>

38

<p>maybe try to get a girlfriend</p>

39

<p>yea, i agree joining clubs/orgs dont really work unless you're like one of the staff members or get more involved. it also depends alot on the size of the club/org</p>

40

<p>You won't get a girlfriend if you don't have any friends mostl ikely.</p>

<p>The person who said that social skills are actually skills that you have to acquire, learn, and develop hit the nail on the head.</p>

<p>Try joining an intra-mural basketball league or something. Go as a free agent. Now sitting as a free agent and trying to get on one of the established teams doesn't work quite well, but if you look at the free agents list and contact them, and start up a team from the free agents list. </p>

<p>It's pretty much impossible not to make friends on a sports team.</p>