Note that this page also show proficiency levels by high school graduated from. It may give parents early warning about the quality of the high school with respect to college preparation.
If there is really no financial flexibility, then I don’t know why we are here. Therefore I have to assume that there is. If there isn’t there isn’t.
There are two days left to try to repair this relationship before a point of no return. It may not be doable. It’s really sad.
I hope the OP can see the hurt her S is experiencing and say something meaningfully empathetic.
Though the proficiency levels by high school only include students who attended a CSU as freshmen after high school. They do not include students who attended a CC, UC, private school, no school, etc. So, the percentages are interesting, but are not overall percentages.
There may be some financial flexibility, but probably not the parents borrowing $20,000 per year (even if doable the first year, it probably is out of reach for the next three (or more, given the apparent need for remedial course work) years). After all, if they have to borrow, that means that they do not really have the money.
It may just barely be possible if the student borrows the maximum federal direct loans, works to earn as much as possible to put to college, and consumes less food, utilities, etc. at home to reduce the parents’ net bill to $5,000 or so, which they may be able to come up with without borrowing by living more frugally.
But, given the described family relations, it is unlikely that the OP, husband, and son have gone beyond posturing and drawing lines in the sand to actually attempting to work out financially realistic options. And there are only two days left.
And he may decide to go for one year and not returning. So what? I’ve been on airplane next to a very successful sale person who only went to CC for 2 years. He was on a trip paid by his company for top sale people, the trip was to Hawaii. He seemed like an incredible intelligent man, he seemed to do well driving BMW and lives in expensive apartment in an expensive city. I think what we need to realize, we don’t raise our kids according to what everybody on the internet recommend. It’s important to give the kid something to develop self esteem and lead a positive live. Yes it’s all base on hope but I rather that than nothing.
Somehow this thread has turn into a blame game of sorts. Yes this situation is not ideal by a long shot but let’s not lose sight of the end goal,
The OP is not denying her son a college education. She appears to be offering and supporting her son the luxury of a college education that she can afford. In addition, she is offering room and board at her cost. There are MANY posts here from students where all support stops at 18. She is denying supporting a dream college (picked because that where his buddies thought they were going) that even the college has indicates he will need addition course work in order to be ready for.
I don’t see this as a trust issue or a control issue. This appears to be parents (at least the father) that made a promise they couldn’t keep and is trying to do the best to come up with a plan B. So cut her some slack!
Thank you, @noname87. I don’t know what bee got into classicrockerdad’s bonnet, but he/she seems insistent as painting this poor mom as some kind of mysterious nut with deep family problems. We don’t know enough to extrapolate that. If there are family problems, introduction of big debt is not going to smooth things over, at any rate.
OP - you have limited information - son with-holding on SAT score (and who knows what else). He has to go to summer school to make up for HS course(s)?
Son should not be in the position of power, the parents should be since he doesn’t have scholarships and is expecting you to foot the bill. Full college costs with room and board sound like a financial strain and son has clearly not shown the effort in HS (and SAT may tell you about his college aptitude), so that makes me very concerned about his success in college at his ‘dream school’ with room/board and higher costs than local community college. He can keep telling kids he is going to X school. Doesn’t mean that parents follow through and pay fees, etc for him to enroll.
Cannot consider the long commute as a reasonable choice. Your CC name is troubling. Family dynamics probably, but you need to overcome feeling guilty. Yes, hindsight is 20-20, but all you can change is the present and the plan for the future.
H and you need to work a game plan out and agree to a reasonable plan, even if you are the messenger (it would be better for H to at least be with you with message delivery). Talk to your pastor, or see a counselor. Talk about this away from the house and any distractions - it is deserving of face to face couple discussion and planning. For dad to ‘always give in to son’ is troubling - it doesn’t make son responsible. Son feels like he can do whatever and it will be OK.
I expect worse behavior out of son when you keep standing firm on reality. If he starts behaving very badly (staying out late hours beyond curfew, being disrespectful, etc) maybe he will lose the privilege of living under your roof and you paying for his cell phone, car insurance, etc.
If you ever watch the TV program ‘Intervention’ - there are many family dynamics that have parents/family giving addicts ridiculous amounts of money - and they know but try not to ‘know’ about the drug use, bulemia, anorexia, prostitution, etc. Very sad to see.
OP, don’t feel bad about your situation - it is what it is. There are a lot worse. On CC, there are a lot of very caring and intact families, so you are often seeing more ideal situations, and where students are working very hard academically and ‘get it’. However we also see some students who have a hard time from their achievement path to going to a school that they don’t consider ‘stellar’. Keep working through it.
My gender is male.
If the OP came here to get sympathy, she has it. If H really is a disaster, if H really might lose his job, if S is really is an ungrateful spoiled brat, if S really is a poor student, if the university is really 2.5 hours away in traffic, if she really can’t afford the university, then I’m sorry. These are things we can’t help. Perhaps it’s a Venus/Mars things, but I tend to look for solutions to problems. Perhaps it’s my own shortcoming.
But if the OP wants solutions, I think that she needs to ask herself some honest but difficult questions and acknowledge that she may bear some responsibility for the situation and seek a solution that acknowledges that.
One can only control their own behavior.
I suppose that looking for rationalization is an alternative to help OP live with herself. If that works, for her, terrific.
She can just keep telling herself that she is right and H and S are wrong.
Seems to be your way of life, sir.
Guess I deserve that, thanks for the wakeup!
that was funny!
Can I point out that if this student is required to enroll the CSU “Early Start” program because of deficiencies in English and Math preparation, he will still have to be taking remedial courses as a freshman, and even if he passes them he probably won’t graduate in four years? In other words, even if the kid passes all his courses, the parents would be borrowing money for five or six years, not four.
About his SAT scores: He would have been exempt from Math remediation with a 550 or better Math SAT, and from English remediation with a 500 or better CR SAT. So we can assume that his scores are worse than that.
I don’t understand the judgement on a parent in this situation. How many parents have not made a mistake along the way? For the most part, if a parent is not consistently cruel or abusive, a mistake is not an irreparable break in the relationship. If this one is, and the child truly hates the parent for it, then that would be the result of longer term issues than this mistake.
So back to the original post- the parents have said there is a financial issue. Yes, there is a lot of would/could/should/ but that is water under the bridge. The response of the child- anger, disappointment, and yes, perhaps even hating the parents momentarily is expected, but that does not mean it is permanent. The reaction- “well I’m just going to drive there anyway” is a rash and not thought out decision if one thinks of the logistics of it. 2-3 hours drive each way is not a realistic commute. Perhaps it was said in the anger of the moment.
The advice that at 18 a student can dictate his or his own life may be accurate, but the actual ability to do what one wants to do comes when that person can also pay for it. Even at that point, adult children can also realize that sometimes their parents’ advice is something to consider.
@guiltymom, what is the update?
Re: the title to this thread. A 2 to 2 1/2 hour commute each way is too far to community to college. This school is not within a reasonable commuting distance.
You are not understanding because you cannot seem to look at it from a probably shocked and surprised young man’s point of view. From his point of view, Mom just blew up his world! That’s probably his own catastrophizing, but that’s what I imagine he feels, and he feels what he feels. Emotionally, he needs what he needs.
Mom needs to reach out with contrition, love and empathy not criticism of him, criticism of dad, and a heavy hand. As long as she maintains the blameless victim position, nothing good will happen.
If CC is ultimately the only solution, she needs to gently guide him there so that he buys in, not back him into a corner so he rebels.
From the other thread, the mom did try to “do the right thing” last fall when she wanted him to apply to their local CSU, and she expressed cost concerns back then…but she was pooh poohed by her H.
@classicrockerdad I know that I like to tease you, but I know that you’re not crazy, and likely neither is your wife. However, there are couples where one spouse can be very naive and indulging to their kids, and that spouse can makes things very difficult when it comes to money and/or decisions…never wanting to say, “no”, etc. The father in this scenario reminds me of both my MIL and a sister-in-law. Both are/were famous for “saying yes” to unaffordable things, while making their spouses look like the “bad guy” for trying to say “no” (because the wallet says no).
Because of my MIL, my H sometimes has a very hard time saying “no” to our kids (I have a mention about braces in another thread. It was my H who told S2 that he didn’t have to pay anything towards Round2 for braces…which happened because S2 was TERRIBLE about wearing his retainer. I thought he should pay some of the costs, but H (like his mom) does not like to say “no” to his kids about anything.) Did I like paying out another $3500 for Round2??? uh no. But, some battles just aren’t worth having. However, if that $3500 had meant debt, then I would have put my foot down.
Of course we are only hearing one side, but since that side rings “very true” to what I’ve heard over the past 30 years, I don’t doubt this mom’s position…at all.
MODERATOR’S NOTE:
Keep it courteous please.
Suppose she really is a blameless victim and suppose everything she says is true.
Do you think she gets buy in from S by berating him with the heavy hand?
If everybody just sticks to their guns, you end up with the equivalent of a family “divorce” for lack of a better word.
Right or wrong, I think she needs to be a little kinder and gentler with her S who I imagine is probably hurting. He’s reached the age where she has taught him all of the lessons that she’s going to be able to teach without his asking. Continuing with the condescension is harmful.