It’s a poor plan made by a child. It shouldn’t even be on the table for consideration.
Guiltymom- what did you all decide?
One of the main issues here is that the parents are divided. The OP is hesitant about the plan for the son commuting/attending the college, however, the father is not.
With reference to King Solomon ( a great example of parents in conflict). One reason these stories are enduring is that storytelling was the way to discuss issues between people in a not literate society. Two women are arguing that each is the real mother of the baby. King Solomon proposes that the baby be cut in half and divided. One woman is arguing to win. As far as she is concerned, if she doesn’t get the baby then the other woman shouldn’t get it as well. She’s willing to cut the baby in half to not give in. The other woman says wait, give the baby to her. She’s willing to give up what she wants for the sake of the baby. Solomon decides that she is the mother.
The wisdom is not in the proposal. It’s crazy to think of cutting a baby in half. The wisdom was in creating a situation where the women took on the responsibility for the consequences of the decision, and in doing so, gave up the argument.
In a dysfunctional family, there is often roles. Here, Dad is the good guy rescuer, son is victim, and Mom is bad guy( persecutor, not wanting the child to go to the expensive college. I don’t know all the details but Dad can maintain his position as the good guy to son so long as there is a bad guy, mom, for him to blame. Although he too may have reservations about paying for college, when mom takes the blame, he comes off looking good and she gets blamed for what may actually be his idea too. However, if mom gives up the argument, and Dad has to actually reach into his pockets, then Dad may start to feel the financial concern himself. Dad can continue to be good guy as long as he is willing to pay the price- and take responsibility for his actions. Mom and dad may both be bringing in income, but this will take some of dad’s income. Is he really willing to pay?
Dad will have two choices, pay or not, but if he can’t blame mom, then he will have to own the decision however it is.
Just my two cents in the drama. The idea of mom giving up the argument is not in the wisdom of the decision- I don’t know if the idea to go to that college is the best one or not, but that it places the responsibility for the decision on the ones who are promoting it.
Actually, another possibility is that the son gets his admission to whatever school rescinded due to getting a D grade or few in senior year and therefore ends up owning the decision. Normally, one would not wish for such a thing to happen, but if it does happen in this particular case, it may actually end up “solving” the argument that this family is having. Of course, if the family relations are this dysfunctional, something else will cause similar arguments to happen in the future (e.g. son learns to drive, how much are parents willing to assist with a car and insurance?).
Yeah, I have a very hard time boo-hooing for this kid who is supposedly emotionally devastated by being told yet again that the school he wants is unaffordable, when he could not get off his ass and get even MEDIOCRE grades for ONE SEMESTER. Either the level of his real dedication to attending this school is pathetically shallow, or he has really severe gaps that require significant remediation. It is insane for a family that does not have money to burn to pay for that remediation at a 4-year school at which the kid needs to pay for room and board also.
All of this hooey about destroying his trust is just that: hooey. He is keeping his SATs a secret from his parents? He refused to even fill out an application for another CSU that would have been more affordable? Then he proceeds to get Ds? Trust?
I understand that he wants to go away to school. I sympathize. But he should have thought of that while he was busy racking up abysmal SATs and lousy grades. Now, having proven repeatedly that he cannot, at least at this stage of his life, be trusted to put in a merely satisfactory academic performance, he is threatening to RUN AWAY if they don’t take on crushing dept to finance his partying or gaming or whatever he does in a more congenial location??
If he ran away he’d have to support himself. He’s not going to run away.
If this kid doesn’t have a car and can’t drive, then problem solved. He must go to the nearest CC. No argument.
@guiltymom So what was the verdict?
My S told me last night that he enrolled at CC far from our house. I suggested when we had a meeting last sunday to go to the CC ( best school) near our house so he does not have to take the freeway and no traffic. But I guessed he chose the other CC maybe because he is still mad at me. I know he is hurting emotionally. I wish I could help him ease the pain. I told him that we will talk when he is ready.
But that CC is closer than 2 hours drive, right?
One thing that will help him…not today, but at some point…he needs to talk to the transfer advisor at the CC, and explain what he hopes to do. This transfer advisor will help him lay the path to do so.
And it sounds like your son did a compromise…a CC which is what you wanted…but some distance…which is what he wanted.
Well, at least it’s a CC. How far is it from your home?
This is a big step for him. Also, he has to have some autonomy over the decision. He did enroll in a CC but not your first choice. However, he made his choice within the parameters given him. Let him have it.
Choice is important. It isn’t the same as indulging an adult child’s every request or whim, but it is about him having autonomy. Without choice, he can’t feel as if he chose his college.
At his age, young people are going through the task of separation from parents. It can seem crazy to us, but they sometimes don’t know exactly who they are, but they know they are not us. You like one CC. His choice might be to pick the other because it isn’t your choice. However, even if it is farther, consider that “not your choice” is a valid choice to him.
He may find out that he doesn’t like the commute, or the gas expense, but on the other hand, he may be more invested in the school he picks because he picked it, not you.
He is in pain, but you can ease his pain by letting him have this decision and not bringing up the negatives like the freeway. Sooner or later he will need to learn to drive it. One suggestion is to have him practice driving to and from college. If he is a new driver, he can practice with one of you until he is more confident.
IMHO, now is not the time to discuss the choice further. Now is the time to let him know you are proud of him and confident in his decision to enroll in this CC. He made a mature choice, and can be commended for that. Then, let him be in charge of his academics.
This will be better for your finances, so it’s fine if it isn’t the closest CC.
There are some differences between CCs, and the one where he enrolled may have more courses that interest him or even a better transfer agreement with the CSU. Also, I believe there is no rule that says he can’t eventually transfer courses from multiple CCs to a CSU or even a UC. They just have to be transferrable courses. Years ago, I even transferred courses from two different CCs to my out-of-state public university.
In my area of California, it’s very very easy to combine credits from different CCs.
CC → CSU, UC transfer credit articulation is listed at http://www.assist.org .
Thank you guys!
Lol, where’s classicrockerdad and his advice for the ages…
In some ways, this turn out as well as can be expected. He made a choice that he now owns since it was not one of the CC you recommended. He has a longer commute so he will have a better understanding why you thought his dream college wouldn’t work. He might even agree with you after a few months. If it becomes too much, he can transfer to the local CC. He now has time to regroup and make a plan for the last two years that depend on how the next year goes.
Overall, there is a good chance that in four years that he will be thankful that you stood firm. Might take longer but you made the right choice.
I agree that this is the time to just congratulate him and be supportive of his choice, and refrain from any indication that you think he should have picked the closer school.
If the commute is too much for him, he will feel much more able to admit it and transfer to the closer school if he doesn’t feel that he is going to be either caving in to your wishes, or going to hear “I told you so.”
I am slightly confused. If the son enrolled in the CC doesn’t he have to put down some sort of deposit? Wouldn’t need mom’s credit card to do that?
How is he getting into a farther college if he can’t drive and doesn’t have a car, wouldn’t it take long hours for him?
I am the only one who sees the son’s choice of a Community College (CC) further from home as a form of “sticking it” to his parents? It is probably the same distance from home as his dream school. Clearly, he is trying to make a statement by selecting this CC. There is still an issue of him getting his license, driving a “good” distance each day and a reliable car. But I agree, let him live with his choices…commonsense have a way of finally kicking in at just the right time.
My daughter’s friend at a private University, where the cost of Attendance is approximately $60K/Year (Tuition alone runs ~$43K and got no merit/need based financial aid) has just graduated with a student loan Debt of $250K(!!!), with an average interest rate of around 9%. It took him more than 4-years, graduated with an Engineering Degree and is now making less than $50K/year. They apparently financed the entire undergraduate degree with student loans. What would posses a parent to agree to take on such an astronomical student loan debt is beyond comprehension. The $250K debt is not something I would believe someone would attempt for a non-medical degree program. I can only assume that the parents gave into their son’s desire to attend a top 50 University (not a top rank engineering program by any stretch of the imagination). I’m glad @guiltymon stood firm by their decision not to have their son attend this 4-year University and take on the over $80K Student Loan debt.