<p>I need some calming advice. My son did lots of college research, we dragged him all around the country for two summers, and he made excellent decisions about his choices for applications. Problem? His girlfriend decided to just apply at all the schools to which he made an application - never visited any, not necessarily a good fit for her, etc. So...now we come to acceptance time - he's being accepted just about everywhere, she is not. She has only gotten in to the school we made him apply to as a safety. Suddenly, this is his top choice! AAGH! We've talked to him about how our decision would not be based on where she got in, but on good fits for him, financial aid, etc. To be fair, the school is offering him a generous aid package, but it is not the best - and certainly not the best decision for him. Not to mention that the school is probably not a really good fit for this girl. Should I contact her parents? I don't think they gave any help/advice/attention to her application process short of just paying the fees!
Is there any parents who have dealt with this or are dealing with this now who can offer advice or just commiserate?</p>
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No way. This has nothing to do with them. The girl has a right to attend whatever college she’s been accepted to. This discussion s/b solely between you and your S.</p>
<p>Note - You’re not alone - there have been lots of other threads on CC regarding the same issue - i.e. the kid accepted widely settling for the lower level college because that’s where the gf/bf got into. It’s lots of angst for the parents (justifiably so).</p>
<p>I have two sons, they don’t have girlfriends, but I feel you. I’d be really upset too. I can’t offer any advice here, but a big hug from me!!</p>
<p>I would speak with your son again, ask him why he now wants this saftey school? (if he answers because of the GF point out that is not really a viable reason at the age of 18)Maybe go visit his top couple of choices again, maybe he will fall in love with a campus again.
I might express concern also to both of them that part of college is meeting new people, if they go to school “together” will they take advantage of all that is new and fresh about college.</p>
<p>How close are those schools (his top choice vs safety)? If they are close enough, maybe they could continue to visit each other.</p>
<p>Agreed, it would be strange for you to contact the girl´s parents. You have no say on where she should go to school.</p>
<p>My own d and her hs bf wound up at the same school. It’s been really uncomfortable on numerous occasions. While I want to say do what you can to keep them at different schools, I know that there isn’t much you can do. </p>
<p>Presumably, the safety was a school he would have been happy to attend if there were no other acceptances, so while you might not think it’s the best school, it is definitely a good enough school. </p>
<p>There are people, even a few here on cc, who married a high school sweetheart. Don’t assume the relationship is transient. Likely it is, but every year I am surprised by at least a few of my students who are marrying thier high school sweetheart following graduation. </p>
<p>What you can do is focus, maybe not so much on the school, but the programs available to your s at some of the other schools. When other aid packages come in, you may also be able to tempt him with fewer loans - or whatever. Don’t ever talk about the girl, and under no circumstances call the girl’s parents. That says, “Your D is not good enough for my S,” whether or not that is what you mean.</p>
<p>Have you sat down and had a serious talk with your son? Perhaps if you advise him that if this relationship is meant to be, it will be. But his future has to come first. Doesn’t mean he’ll listen. Since my oldest is only 16, we haven’t faced this predicament, but several friends have and this is how they handled it. </p>
<p>Perhaps you can re-visit the top school and have him do an overnight. Maybe he’ll see what college has to offer and adjust his thinking.</p>
<p>I feel for you!</p>
<p>It really is such a complicated situation. The fact is, at one point your family was satisfied with this school being on your son’s list. Now the admissions have rolled in and the family satisfaction with school seems to have softened. If the family was attending, then I would say you have a voice. But if the school was a true safety (meaning financial also) and your son is not turning his back on a full ride somewhere else, then there is really no choice but to let it be. Frustrating…heck yes! If you force him to another school and he does poorly, which can really happen because of all sorts of reasons (and missing and yearning for a girlfriend is one of them) then it will be your fault in your son’s eyes.</p>
<p>Our neighbor has a daughter that is so bright and accomplished and she was excepted into some private schools and our two State Flagships and she is, in my opinion, settling for a dressed up community college because her boyfriend attends there. She swears it is because it is the right “fit” for her, and maybe it is. Sometimes being with the person you love can make even the most dire situations bearable and even appealing.</p>
<p>Sooo grateful that D and her bf are different enough students that they applied to non-intersecting sets of colleges, so there was no possibility of this issue from the get-go. I think they’re avoiding contemplating the inevitable separation at present.</p>
<p>Not exactly the same situation, but somewhat similar. My D has a very good friend whom I truly do love, however, she has some issues. The friend gets help from a counselor, but sometimes her issues do take over my D’s life as she also tries to help her. When they were looking for schools to apply to in the fall, D’s friend applied to many of the same schools and told D they should go together. I sat D down and explained to her that this was the time in her life to focus on herself and to not be that responsible for someone else. Another mom who is familiar with the situation talked to the school Guidance Counselor about my concerns. And the GC talked to D and her friend. I think it helped D to hear this from another adult as well. Thankfully, the friend enrolled in a different college. Possibly there is another adult whom your S respects that could discuss this in a new way?</p>
<p>My son’s gf is a year behind him. She tried pretty hard to convince our son to apply/attend the local state U. Fortunately, he wanted to reach higher. Now he is fairly certain he’s made his decision, and guess what – gf is saying SHE will be applying to that school in the fall. I like her, but she’s his first gf and I definitely don’t want him going off to college feeling tied down. Maybe we’ll get lucky and she won’t get in. OP, I feel for you. I agree, talking to the girl’s parents is not the right move. All you can do is talk to your son, leave the gf out of the discussion and instead focus on steering him toward the school that is best for his intended major/personal preferences.</p>
<p>S2 applied to a number of schools. During the fall of his senior year he began dating his now GF, who had independently also applied to the school he really, really wanted. We figured the chances of both of them being accepted, and both deciding to attend were small. They were the only two students from their HS who were admitted that year. They made a concerted effort NOT to talk to each other about their decision making process that spring. </p>
<p>They are both now attending the same OOS school. Frankly, they are both so busy with classes and organizations on campus that they really don’t see that much of each other. They are still happily dating, but have full seperate social lives as well. </p>
<p>Was this the scenario we ever envisioned for our very bright son? Of course not. But his GF is also bright and motivated and a delight to be around. If it lasts we would be happy for them.</p>
<p>Would S2 be upset if they break up? Of course. But no more upset than S2 was when the girl he met at college broke up with him after nearly a year of happily dating. </p>
<p>They will be distracted, upset, silly, and lovesick at some point in their lives no matter who they date or when they break up.</p>
<p>I would say it is unwise to contact her parents. You never know what would happpen to this couple – It could happen that she will be your daughter-in-law.</p>
<p>When dealing with son’t gf or daughter’s bf (even a potential bf or gf), we keep saying to ourselves that we need to be extremely careful, even when we talk to our own child privately about his gf or her bf (because his gf or her bf will likely know what we say about her or him sooner or later.) THis is especially important if your loved one is a son – if in the future you still want to have an easy access to your grandchildren!</p>
<p>High school boyfriends and girlfriends must be jettisoned when kids head off to college.</p>
<p>Kids don’t want to hear that, but it is a truism.</p>
<p>Your son has to do what is best for him.</p>
<p>Oh dear, I can kind of commiserate with you. My D was planning on attending state flagship in the honors program along with her boyfriend ( of 3 months.) No problem. They both had pretty much arrived at this decision before boyfriend/girlfriend status. This school is huge. No problem if they would break up.</p>
<p>Fast forward to a week ago. She gets accepted to a super good LAC that we didn’t think would happen or be able to pay for. They gave her a tremendous aid package making it financially doable. This had been her dream schoOl at the beginning of her search. First school we visited etc…</p>
<p>Now she wants to go to the LAC but feels guilty about leaving her boyfriend. Mind you, they will only be about 45 min apart and she will have a car so it shouldn’t be a problem to see each other. But this is what is holding her back from committing to the LAC.</p>
<p>The thing is, he is a parents dream for a boyfriend- nice, smart, raised in Christian home and exceedingly kind. When she opened her acceptance last week though, I could just see his disappointment but these kids are barely 18 years old and I hardly think should be considering putting a 3 month relationship over college choice… Especially when the colleges are so close and they will be able to see each other every weekend.</p>
<p>I never though this would happen withy daughter. This is only her second boyfriend and she has always been a very independent thinker. But she reeeeeaally likes this guy. So what to do? Don’t yell. It will probably make it worse. Slowly interject your reason for your son to pick the right college for him. This is what I am doing. If your son is like my daughter there is guilt involved but I think we need to calmly convey to them to not feel so guilty.</p>
<p>Worse comes to worse, my D will attend the flagship with miniml debt and probably do great. But this other school is a better fit for her in many areas. Hope it works out for your son. We have to let them make decisions and deal with the consequences but we also have the money so I think we should be allOwed to have a strOng opinion.</p>
<p>When DS headed to an OOS college, it appears that his gf decided it was about the time to break up (not having enough confidence in maintaining a long-distance relation), and she did it about half a year later (by giving “hints”, like not interesting in talking to DS when he visited her at the high school.) It was still hurtful (to DS at least) but the process was at least “peaceful” on surface. They made it look like a mutual agreement (but in fact it was the girl who pulled the trigger.)</p>
<p>DS did not decide to stay at a local state university and she did not persuade DS to stay at that local state university. I guess both she and DS are more level-headed (and I guess this may be the reason why they break up!)</p>
<p>They also need to understand that going to different colleges doesn’t mean the relationship has to end. They can still be bf/gf while attending different colleges. The fact that they’re different can be beneficial to them both by allowing each of them to focus more on the academics. They can still email, IM, text, talk on the phone, Skype, and see each other on breaks or maybe some weekends.</p>
<p>It’s true, however, that a lot of these relationships won’t survive but in that case it likely wouldn’t have survived anyway and this might only serve to speed up the breakup - likely also a good thing and mutually beneficial.</p>
<p>Unfortunately logic isn’t always well received in circumstances like this.</p>
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<p>Not necessarily. I married mine. (Technically, it wasn’t a true high school relationship because it began in the summer between high school and college. But that’s still pretty early.)</p>
<p>When does the relationship between two people become something worthy of taking into consideration when making educational or career plans?</p>
<p>Obviously, most of us think that the relationship is a worthy consideration when two people are married. What about when they’re engaged? What about when they are two adults who have a serious, long-term relationship but are not engaged? What about if they are an established couple who are graduating from college? What about if they are an established couple who are graduating from high school? </p>
<p>Where should the line be drawn?</p>
<p>Marian, I understand. My neice will most likely marry her hs boyfriend. They w
Have been together since Jr year with one breakup lasting about 6 months. They are both college seniors. They chose colleges about 45 min apart and if anything, it probably helped maintain there relationship.</p>
<p>I don’t advocate being insensitive but I don’t want to see kids pass up really good opportunities. But I do understand what you are saying.</p>
<p>My friend’s really smart son accepted at a mid-level state school because his girlfriend could get in. He turned down a great scholarship at a much higher rated private. They broke up over the summer before freshman year.</p>
<p>He got to school in the fall and was miserable, never felt comfortable, eventually failing out. Kids are happiest among peers at “match” schools, surrounded by kids of roughly equal intellect and interests. Being outside the norm of the group on either side is limiting.</p>