Common App Essay Eval plz?

<p>A conversation usually isn’t one’s idea of a “life-changing experience.” One doesn’t expect some epiphany to strike like lightning when one is just casually talking with friends. A conversation doesn’t “build character” with some life challenge, such as oppression, discrimination, disease, or financial trouble. Yet, I have to say that one of my most rewarding and influential experiences (or series of experiences and events) are my constant intellectual conversations had with a select few of my friends. The following is an example, an excerpt from the constant “Socratic dialogue” that I share with certain peers:<br>
“The night’s talk, after touching upon one’s life fulfillment in a corporately dominated society, quickly progressed into a debate between one of my fairly Marxist friends and myself on the destructive power of capitalism. My friend argued that the capitalism created various atrocities that caused great casualties of culture. He pointed to the decline of the French Café due the globalized power of McDonalds and the capitalist minded class-exclusivity of Nantucket. I, however, argued on the Adam Smith premise of self-interest, pointing to the fact that cultural casualties are only relative to the people who engage in such culture. Later on, as we casually discussed the unhealthiness of school cafeteria lunches, another discussion arose over the behavioral economics of the lower class of American society. I began to chip in, updating my friends on my latest Economist readings, in which it stated that the lower classes on average saved far less than their middle and upper-class counterparts. We also discussed the role of banks in this phenomenon – how they provided incentives to save to their lower class clients through the matching of financial rewards to savings and how they acted not only out of paternalism but also out of self-interest. We concluded our rather enjoyable intellectual conversation through a brief look at the latest book Freakonomics by behavioral economist Steven Levitt, discussing the bell curve of men’s taste in spouses in correlation to education level. It seemed logical, given that we live in a patriarchal society, the statistical concentration fell on the college-educated woman (no less and no more).” </p>

<p>Such rare and treasured experiences have affected me so much because they’ve shaped my ideals on the college experience specifically, and on life in general. They’ve made me passionately desire the intellectual conversation in my college experience as not only an avenue of entertainment but something that surrounds me wherever I go and whatever I do everyday. I want to be able to just sit down and converse with my peers in class discussions, with Professors at meals and various school activities, with friends at parties, in dorm rooms, staying up into the late hours of the night. I expect out of my college experience an even richer and deeper dialogue than the one I’ve had, one that is open and unabashed. My few intellectual conversations with my high-school friends have helped me to logically connect the concept of college as a truth-seeking process and the conversation as a basis for that process by the constant dialogue and exchange of ideas. Moreover, it has made me want out of life a constant search for knowledge and truth. I do not want the intellectual conversation to be confined to an academic institution or similar forum – I want it to pervade my life, whether it is at my work or with my family.</p>

<p>How is it? I tried to make it more personal.</p>

<p>You hooked me at the beginning, but then it kinda lost me. Two things I noticed straight off the bat: (1) repetitive vocabulary "college experience" "intellectual" (2) kinda stiff writing, but maybe because I'm not as passionate about econ as you are. You never know what types of things your reader is interested in.</p>

<p>it's not a bad idea...just try and avoid shoving a message down the adcom's throats. For instance, instead of writing "Such rare and treasured experiences have affected me so much because they’ve shaped my ideals on the college experience specifically, and on life in general," just describe the conversation in such a way that their impact on you is obvious. If you have to tell the moral, then your story isn't speaking clearly.</p>