<p>I need help in editing the content, grammar, and other concepts of my common app essay. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
- I used this essay for a scholarship and it required 800 words or less so it might seem a little less than what it could be.</p>
<h2> -what would a better concluding statement be?</h2>
<pre><code> What a mess! Toothpicks were scattered all over my desk, my floor, and my books. I heard soft footsteps approaching from the hall way that ended and a near silent knock at my door. My mother peeked in my room in an almost cartoonish way.
Whats all this mess for? she questioned.
Im building a bridge out of toothpicks and glue for physics, I replied with proud tone.
Hmm, looks pretty good so far.
I explained to her how I was going to build the bridge and that it has to withstand ten pounds. She seemed interested even though I knew she wasnt. It was quite nice of her to pretend she was intrigued, it displayed that she really cares about me. My parents have always been involved with my schooling, together they encouraged me to do well any anything that I do and to put forth effort that demonstrates my maximum potential. They are my motivation to succeed. I find purpose in my life by taking their setbacks as example of what not to do. Neither of my parents went to college, so I aspire to lead a more ambitious life than them because I want more security than just finding a way to make it for paycheck to paycheck. Just sliding by is not the way for anyone to live. Im not saying my parents are lazy bums, Im saying they have had few speed bumps and detours that prevent them from achieving success. This is why I put forth maximum effort in everything I do, such as the bridge project.
I spent a plethora of hours on the bridge. The amount of time it consumed was unnecessary, but ten pounds wasnt nearly enough for me. I was hungry for the feeling of having the best bridge in class and to taste that success is what I strive for. Each toothpick of that bridge was as important as the next. If one part is slightly off, the entire bridge will inconsistent. Ive found this to be comparable to dedication to things in life. If you start slacking off in one part, the other components will follow that example. My favorite principle that I apply to my life to prevent laziness was said by author Charles Dickens. Minds, like bodies, will often fall into a pimpled, ill-conditioned state from mere excess of comfort. Putting effort into things you strive is vaccine for the virus that laziness is.
The completed bridge was neither extravagant nor intricate; it was quite humble, but I knew that structure and design of the bridge would withstand more than expected. This is similar to challenges I have faced in my life, just because I am Hispanic does not mean I am incapable of achieving greatness of the highest degree. The thirst for that unforeseen success drives me to work diligently at anything and everything I do.
Knees weak and my arms heavy, I hauled the bridge to physics class on its due date. Fortunately, I noticed other peoples projects looked half-finished, I sighed in relief. Putting effort into actually completing the bridge and making sure that every toothpick intersection was equivalent to the next leading me to believe that my bridge had a chance of being the superlative bridge. Again this bridge represents my aspirations because I want to pursue a career in engineering, which this was a perfect representation of how I work to improve something and make it more efficient. Although, there were some bridges that looked quite extravagant, they lacked principles that allow bridge to bear a hefty load. They lacked reinforced trusses that are crucial to be considered commendable. This is what I want for my life, I want to reinforce it with a superb education and meritorious accolades that will provide me with more financial security that my parents have.
My bridge was the last to be judged and I was quaking in my desk. Palms sweaty, I got up and placed the bridge on the stand, which I then placed ten pound weights on top. I placed one in. Relief! It sustained the weight without even bending. One, three, six more! My shakes transformed from a nervous quake to excited trembles. As I watched it bend into a contorted parabola shape, my anxiety grew greater and greater. Finally, there was an earsplitting snap! It sustained seventy pounds, the greatest amount in the class. My thirst for the tremendous success was now quenched. The feelings associated with going above and beyond the expectation cannot be explained.
This challenge helped me realize that greatness can come from humble beginnings and it is ideal to set goals higher than what is expected.
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<p>-Thanks again!</p>