Common app essay? I will review anyone's essay back!

College Essays
1

<p>I would appreciate it if people could review my common app essay. Its a little above the limit at 634 words, but give it a look please! </p>

<p>There have been many influences in my life, but none more important than my mother. She has helped me the most and has always been there for me whenever I need it the most. She has been the one person to cheer me up when I’m down and love me unconditionally. I admire her resilience and her ability to put a smile on everyone’s face even though she is having a bad day herself. Even though she has been through so much adversity and hardship, she is still humble and thankful for what she has achieved.
Coming to America was probably my mom’s biggest struggle and sacrifice. She left her entire life back in Mexico when she left. She left behind her friends and family for a life in America when our family was already well-off in Mexico. She did this for me, so that I could get an American college education and make my living here. In addition, I also had health problems such as an irregular heartbeat and bad teeth, so she came to get treatment for me when it was too expensive in Mexico. Starting off in America was not easy for my mother, she often struggled to pay the huge medical bills for me, yet she still had a smile on her face because she knew that she was doing it for her son. She went from never working a day in her life to working six days a week and for long hours to support the family. On top of all of this, she worked on a bad knee that could not fully support her weight, and she still worked six days a week. The first couple of years were the hardest, it was very difficult to settle down in America, but she still kept hope that one day, I would make her proud by going to college like she always dreamed. This sacrifice that my mom made makes me want to work harder every single day in college, to make her proud so that her struggle does not go to waste. Her values of hard work and patience were instilled in me since I was a child, I have always grown up around a house with positive influence and support whenever I need it. She has always provided that support and has been there whenever I need help or advice on an issue, whether it is school-related or not.
On top of these struggles, my mother has also battled against breast cancer after she came to America. She struggled with the cancer for almost two years before it went away, yet she continued to work and support the family while she was struggling with the disease. She went through two surgeries and therapy afterwards, yet she still took a positive outlook on life. This positivity inspires me to work hard every day and try my best at everything I do in and out of school. She is my primary role model, the one person that will care about me the most. No matter how much she suffers, she always puts my happiness over hers. Seeing these sacrifices and struggles by my mother made me the person I am today, a hardworking student looking for opportunity.
My mother is who made me who I am today. I am very thankful that I had such a wonderful influence in my life and I am determined to make her struggles and hardships worth it. Her moral values that she has taught me when I was a child drive me to stay focused and appreciate my situation, because it could always be much worse. This, coupled with my humble backgrounds would motivate me to be the best person I can be, in school and out of school.</p>

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<p>It’s a great essay, and I can tell that your mom is a great woman, but it says very little about you. These essays are tricky because it is easy to get wrapped up in the description of a person, but it should be more of an essay on how YOU are influenced by your mother. I’m sorry to be so critical, as I’m sure you have worked very hard, but I can’t really tell who you are as a person from this essay. </p>

<p>If you don’t want to start from scratch, I would begin with an anecdote- a specific moment when your mother’s influence is clear. </p>

<p>I want you to read an essay on a similar topic that it in a book I have of successful application essays to Ivy League schools. While the essay is not perfect and is a bit cliche at times, it manages to say a lot about the author while describing his family. </p>

<p>-
EVErY FAmILY hAS ThEIr STorY, ALL with aspects that brings them together or drive them apart. I come from a Mexican family, where family is the only thing we know. We share each other’s pain and misery and we rejoice for our miracles. We learn and grow through each other.
Chapter 10: Heritage and Identity 105
Even through the darkest days we survive as one. I witnessed those dark days, but I also saw the bright and through it all I evolved into who I am today.
I encountered one of my biggest obstructions when I was a child. I was born into a family that had immigrated to America from Mexico. Although my parents had been in the country for quite some time, they never adapted to the American lifestyle. All I knew was Spanish and my first year of school would soon come. I would sit at the end of my driveway and listen to the variety of sounds that slowly crept into my ear, triggered a reaction and sent confusion running through my mind. Day after day, I would sit there trying to decode this puzzle word by word and the day came when I’d be shipped off to school where I was expected to know English. Kindergarten was one of the hardest years in my life. I struggled tremendously. I was the last one to know my ad- dress, I was the last one to know my phone number, and I was the one who almost failed his first year of school. If it wasn’t for my father not allowing the school to hold me back, I could have become a completely different person. I struggled throughout my years in elementary school. I went to resource and received help with my schoolwork until fourth grade. I was given a big push forward and since then I have come to realize that I may not be the only one in need. Others will need help and I will be there with a helping hand.
Through the years, my family has undergone a variety of obstacles. I saw my brother completely stumble and fall when he impregnated his girlfriend at the age of sixteen. At the blink of an eye he became a father to be and a husband. Everything came to a halt and he needed to support another person. He worked during the night and finished high school during the day. He struggled even while living at home. As if one example in my house wasn’t enough, my sister was expecting a child during her senior year. I remember the day when she told my parents, I was in the room next door crying in pain because she fell into the same trap my brother did. That was the end for her. She graduated from high school and began to work. now she has two daughters and is trying to make a living. It is hard to see the people you love make mistakes. It is so hard, that it brings tears to my eyes, to know that you wish you could say everything will be ok. They are stuck in a rut and I am put- ting my best foot forward to give myself the future they don’t have.
106 50 Successful Ivy League Application Essays</p>

<h2>When my mother was a child she had suffered a great amount. She had become deaf in her teenage years. She lost complete ability to hear in her right ear and partially in the left and to add to all the confusion she was bound by a language. She was living in America with 4 of 5 senses and a tongue that many could not speak. Many would see this as a huge dent in her life, but she managed to start a family. I could not be any more proud of her and thankful for what she has given me. Her “disability” placed a tremendous amount of pressure on my shoulders. She was not able to go to the deli or to place phone calls when she needed to. All of a sudden, all of this had become my responsibility. My father was too busy breaking his back in order to support our family. My mother’s personal translator, doesn’t sound too shabby? Standing in the middle of the store, making hand jesters, mouthing out words, or even yelling, does attract attention. In those moments I would feel a surge of heat rush from head to toe, goose bumps in every possible crevice of my body, and to top it all off I’d be seven shades darker than a ripe tomato. Shame and embarrassment, how could I feel this way? All this had become routine and the pain and embarrassment finally start- ed to subside, a whole new feeling started to emerge, pride. My mother made me strong. She allowed me to become the man I am today. And after all the pain there are still countless nights that I lie in bed, crying due to the burden that was placed on her and the tremendous lesson I learned. Every sound, every beat, every photon, every little everything has been absorbed into me one way or another, yet these experiences, although insignificant to others, mean to world to me. All these events run through my veins and pump through my heart. I am the passion that is rarely seen. I am the walking story of struggle.</h2>

<p>That’s my opinion. If you need me to read later drafts as well, I would be happy to.</p>

3

<p>i agree with dance till dawn…include how you are influenced by her, and take out some of the examples to give you more room and words to expand on that</p>

4

<p>Thanks for that excellent example also, I’m revising it right now, and I will reply to any essays as well! I am submitting my common app tonight, so I need reviewers!</p>

5

<p>Common App Essay</p>

<pre><code>“Remember son, no matter what you do in life, just remember two things: always try your hardest at everything you attempt, and be thankful for what you have, many other people would give anything to be in your position.” These words of advice from my mother still stick with me today. Her resilience and hard work has shaped me into the person I am today. There have been many influences in my life, but none more important than my mother. She has helped me the most and has always been there for me whenever I need it the most. She has been the one person to cheer me up when I’m down and love me unconditionally.
Coming to America was particularly difficult for me. I did not know English at all when I first came here and I had to learn the language fast. On top of all of this, I also struggled with health issues such as an irregular heartbeat and severe dental problems. When I first enrolled in elementary school, I was always struggling with English and I was having problems communicating with my peers and teachers. If it were not for my mom, I would have been in danger of dropping out of elementary school. She tutored me every day and taught me how to read and write fluently in English and in no time, I caught up with the rest of the class. Without my mom, I would not be where I am today. She has taught me perseverance and patience from teaching me English. At first, I struggled with the language, often times getting frustrated, but my mom never gave up and her efforts paid off in the end when I finally mastered English.
This perseverance and dedication to hard work that my mother motivates me to try hard every single day at everything I do, whether it is in school, or out of school. During high school, my mother has always been there for me. During my freshmen year, even though she was suffering through breast cancer, she helped ease the pain of losing my grandfather, who had passed away at the age of 84. I faced intense emotional trauma during this time period because all I wanted to do was see him one last time, but I never got that chance. Even though my mother was hurting on the inside also, she put my needs in front of her own and kept me focused on school. She was my only moral support throughout freshmen year and without her influence, I would not have been able to focus on school as much as I did. I still remember the words of comfort she said on the day I heard the news: “I know you’re upset and sad, but there’s nothing we can do now. He’s in a better place now. You can’t dwell on what we can’t fix.” At first, I did not want to get over it; he meant so much to me. Eventually though, it was due to my mother’s constant support and care that I accepted his death and moved on. Without her influence and constant support, I would not be where I am today.
My mother is who made me who I am today. I am very thankful that I had such a wonderful influence in my life and I am determined to make her struggles and hardships worth it. Her moral values that she has taught me when I was a child drive me to stay focused and appreciate my situation, because it could always be much worse. This, coupled with my humble backgrounds would motivate me to be the best person I can be, in school and out of school.
</code></pre>

<p>Revised copy!</p>