Common app essay,transfer student at Pace University!Please write your feedback what do you think!

Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. You can type directly into the box, or you can paste text from another source. (250-650 word

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.?
I am a 2nd year student of the San Ignacio University of Hospitality Management. I have always been thinking about my future, building a career, becoming a successful person and generally finding my own path in the life.Almost all my family including my uncles, aunts, and cousins have their jobs which somehow connected to the field of Hospitality. I have grown among intelligent people and it had great influence on the development of my personality so since early childhood I have learned the importance of education.My school teachers always noted that I had good abilities in such subjects as Food and Barrage Management and Introduction to Customer Service. This increased my interest in an exact major, and I decided to connect my future career with Hospitality. And if I become successful I will pay back my parents for their warmth and loving tender, as they have been those who have been supporting me throughout my life. For that reason, I constructed a plan for achieving this long-term aim. By the plan I accomplished some small objectives: graduated from the school I have been enrolled in the EF school in Britain then transferred to the University of Vermont and after one year. After one year, Studied at the University of Vermont I made the decision to transfer to the San Ignacio University in Miami. This year I am going to graduate from the university, and plan to enter one of the best universities in the world for my Bachelor degree.
With respect to my future career, as I mentioned before the fact, that Pace University links its activity with investigative work and at the same time develop entrepreneurial skills of its students, is a fundamental reason of why I desire to study exactly here. I believe this country has much more potential than my country in this moment. In other words, if I gain the Bachelors degree in your university then I am going to return to my homeland to make efforts to establish my own company for the purpose of providing greatest customer service and also to teach my future team knowledge and communication. To implement such goal, I need to improve my leadership qualities and acquire special knowledge in chosen field of education, which will be possible if I join to Pace University.
Finally, Pace University integration and devotion to the city of New York are major factors in my desire to attend. I have always hoped to spend my college years in a place as cosmopolitan and richly cultured as New York City, and I am glad to see a mutually beneficial relationship between the city and the university, from student access to the local museums to University of Pace’s pledge to reduce the environmental impact of the college. Aside from the diversity that Pace University offers its’ students, the academic rigor is incomparable to other universities across the world. In conclusion, I would like to say that if I become a student at your university, I promise to be an outstanding member of the team.

In conclusion, I would like to say that if I become a student of your university, I promise to be a worthy member of the team.
Thank you very much for considering my application. I look forward to your positive response.
Yours sincerely,

Allow me to preface this with an acknowledgment: I am not a master writer. Any advice I give you could likely be overridden by a more experienced member of this board. That being said, your essay lacks uniqueness. A lot of your reasons for transferring are characteristics shared by many schools. The only point vaguely specific to Pace is the culture shrouding New York, but that’s still moot. You saying that you should be admitted to Pace because you like New York culture is like me saying that I should be admitted to Harvard because I like Massachusetts weather.

Don’t be discouraged, though. My chief complaint with your essay could be quelled with 30 minutes of research and editing. Ultimately ask yourself why you’d like to attend Pace and allow your motive to soak into your thesis. Look up a few clubs pertaining to your major that Pace offers and integrate how engagement with such activities will advance your career plan. Perhaps mention you intend to establish a scholarship program at Pace for low-income international transfers because you understand the difficulty embedded in making the transition. Make the person reading your essay feel like you wrote this as a love letter to them and their institution. Good luck.

Thank you !