<p>When you're little, your time in high school is supposed to be the best four years of your life. We are told that it helps define who you are and who you are capable of being. For me, my high school years helped develop my character and mold me into the person I am today. Four years ago when I first stepped through the doors at my high school, I was a shy, quiet girl who would rather blend in with the crowd then stick out. It was not until I got involved at KHS did I realize my true potential. Since then, I'm known as the girl who does everything. You can catch me running an Honor Society meeting Friday morning, to talking to the principal discussing new ideas. The high school has been an environment that has changed my life. I am able to go there and know anything can be achieve with a little hard work. The high school is a place where even if you don't like school, it feels like a home. The atmosphere there gives off a vibe that it's a place you would want to be. I have been blessed to have such a gratifying experience during my four years at KHS. I have formed bonds with everyone that I know will last a lifetime. I have had the ability to grow into the young lady I am today with the advice and guidance from others at the high school. I've had my ups and downs but the high school has always been there to support decisions. Not the having the same support most kids have from their families, I had the admirable support from my teachers and staff. Although part of being a teacher is to help guide students, the support I have gotten is tremendous and gives me the extra boost of confidence I need to accomplish a task. I typically give my all to everything I do, but there is something different when I step through those doors. Knowing I can accomplish anything is a sense of relief and satisfaction. I have the opportunity to shine and better myself as a person through the environment at school. It has helped developed my character to always give 110% no matter what. I believe that is what makes someone successful; the environment in which makes they feel comfortable enough to go and better themselves as a person and strive for more. That is what has contributed to my high school experience. I am proud with what I've accomplished in four years and who I've become. I've had many grateful opportunities that led to the person I am today and I hope to continue my success in college to help bring what I have to offer.</p>
<p>This needs a huge amount of work. I get writing like this from the bottom half of my entry-level community-college writing class. It might be better to start over.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>It’s one big paragraph. An essay should be several paragraphs. Each paragraph should address a distinct topic. Figure out what your 3 main points are and write a separate paragraph about each.</p></li>
<li><p>The essay should be about you. What you’ve written spends a lot of time talking about how great your school is. E.g., “The atmosphere there gives off a vibe that it’s a place you would want to be.” That means you’ve wasted a lot of sentences. Of course some of it should be about the school. But not very much. Emphasize YOU.</p></li>
<li><p>Be more specific. Sentences like this make no impression at all: “I have formed bonds with everyone that I know will last a lifetime.” If you really want to talk about bonds, tell your reader about ONE bond, and be specific enough about it that your reader really sees how this bond is different from every other bond in the world. The most specific detail you do have is about “Honor Society meeting Friday morning.” Be that specific about 93% of the time. </p></li>
<li><p>Be consistent when you use the second-person (“you”, “your”, and so on) or don’t use it at all. Typically, it should be reserved for times when you are referring directly to your reader. Phrases like “When you’re little” don’t do that. “You’re” is being used as an indefinite pronoun, and most style guides warn against that. If you’re not 100% certain, just don’t use these words at all. Find another way to get the point across.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Ouch
I thought it was fresh and reveals an optimist who is also grateful and who will make maximum use of opportunities given to her.</p>
<p>This essay, not to be mean, is far from great and it will not get you into any of the top 50 universities or top 100 liberal arts colleges. It does nothing but repeat the same generic crap admissions counselors read year after year. An admissions essay should be unique, quirky, and emphasize who YOU ARE as a person, not your school and the fact you do everything. If you’d like, contact me at franciscodeltoro134(at)gmail(dot)com</p>