Common App Personal Essay

College Essays
1

<p>Hey! Could you guys please help look through my essay and see if it's okay for the common app personal essay? Any comments/help would be greatly appreciated </p>

<p>Prompt: Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>Growing up in an archetypal Asian household, my parents have always instilled the exceptionally imperative idea of going to college. In my mother's perception, going to college meant being complacent with any kind of college. However, in my father's sagacity, he knew that I knew that I should always strive to achieve better. In this perennial pursuit of education, transferring to the most educationally propitious institution would be a stepping stone for me in order for me to conduct research and attain my goals.</p>

<p>Subjects such as mathematics and science have been my forte ever since my sophomore year in high school. From then on, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed solving problems as well as thinking of new ways to ameliorate certain issues. Despite the fact that these subjects appealed to me, I was not one of those who were certainly aware of what they wanted to do after high school. In fact, I only knew what I wanted to do a few months after high school ended, and that would be Chemical Engineer.</p>

<p>I chose to major in Chemical Engineering as I believe that this major will be composed of subjects that appeal to me the most such as chemistry, physics, and mathematics. Additionally, I believe that through a degree in chemical engineering, I could attain one of my goals of sustainably mitigating the impact of human endeavours to the environment as well as meeting demands for current world needs.</p>

<p>As of right now, I’m enrolled in a college called ‘INTI International University’ (a two year institution) and I have been doing extremely well. I have a GPA of 4.00 from my latest fall semester and a CGPA of 3.70. I am the president for the English Language Society and although it is far-fetched to what I intend to major in, it has fostered a leadership skill which I know would be useful in future situations. Besides that, I have also obtained the Dean’s List award in my second semester in INTI.</p>

<p>In my honest opinion, INTI is nothing short of amazing but I yearn to do more than just studying from textbooks. I believe that in order to fully gain knowledge and have an in-depth understanding of the world, one must not only learn the academics of it, but should also have hands on experience on it. From this point on, I knew that I needed to look for universities that are better suited to concur with the kinaesthetic learner in me. I began researching for universities by reading reviews by other students online and even seeking succour from an ex-professor of a local university. My plans include taking full advantage of the array of resources and facilities provided to conduct research so that I would have an exhaustive engineering experience, and I would also like to expose myself to an assemblage of various engineers in order to broaden my horizon to the engineering field.
Being able to enter an esteemed academic institution would provide me with greater opportunities for me than the current institution that I’m in. I believe that if I graduate from a notable university armed with knowledge many other universities can’t provide me with, I could make a change in the world.</p>

<p>Words Entered: 536</p>

2

<p>Seeing how it’s been less than 15 min since you posted this (and hence you can edit it still) I suggest deleting the whole text. You do not want to be plagiarized or accused of such.</p>

3

<p>Oh shit oh okay but I need help with reviewing this essay? How should I get this done? @slights32</p>

4

<p>It’s really generic and doesn’t tell much about you. I would recommend writing specifically what got you into engineering and what kind of hobbies you currently have in that field. You want to come off as unique and not an " archetypal Asian" </p>

5

<p>noted! thank you for replying! @bomerr</p>

6

<p>You have thesaurus-itis. “Sagacity,” “ameliorate,” “propitious,” etc. Drop it – it’s distracting and pretentious. And what knowledge do you think one university will give you that another won’t? Why do you think that? Brand-name schools don’t always provide the best undergraduate education.</p>

7

<p>@jpheys Hi, thank you for commenting! Hmm, yeah I guess I agree with your comment about my vocabs, but that 's only because I kinda got used to using these words for SATs. And regarding your comment about university, do you think I should give more clear reasons as to why I’d like to transfer to a ‘brand name’ school? Or are you saying that I should consider other schools as well (which I am)?</p>

8

<p>Brand-name schools are well aware of their allure so instead of telling them what they already know, show them why you belong there. Try to maintain your focus on what you bring to the school and, as jpheys said, lose the thesaurus-itis. Good luck!</p>

9

<p> This essay is such a disaster that it’s hard to decide what to comment on first.</p>

<p>No real human being says sagacity, ameliorate, most educationally propitious, sustainably mitigating the impact of human endeavours to the environment, suited to concur with the kinaesthetic learner, seeking succour from an ex-professor. It’s obvious u found these words in a thesaurus and don’t know how to use them appropriately. </p>

<p>“Growing up in an archetypal Asian household”
Drawing furthe attention to your asianess is the kiss-of-death in college applications.</p>

<p>“Subjects such as mathematics and science have been my forte ever since my sophomore year in high school”
You speak of no talents in this essay other than academic ones. This makes u appear in the essay to be very one dimensional. </p>

<p>The reasons you state for wanting to transfer are basically:</p>

<p>1) my mom thinks any college is fine, but my dad thinks I should go to a better school.
So what is lyhakim’s impetus for transferring when the present school is “so amazing”?</p>

<p>2) a “notable” university will enable u to get a better job.<br>
U only state what the university can do for lyhakim, not what lyhakim can contribute to the university’s community. </p>

<p>“I could make a change in the world”
This is the most generic & overused phrase. I think admissions readers must have a running bet how many times they read this phrase per year. </p>

10

<p>Ahah, alright so it’s undeniably terrible. I’ll go start fresh on a new one</p>

11

<p>I just mean it’s an odd thing to say without any specifics. Unless this university is famous for curricular content that no one else has, the actual content of your major field vs the content of the same major at another institution is usually not a big distinguishing factor at the undergraduate level.</p>