Common Application Essay Proofreading

<p>Hi. I have completed my essay and have to edit. However, I would be most appreciative of any advice. In addition, I was wondering if you could rate my essay 1 to 10. Thank you so much!</p>

<p>“Ms. Sanchez, I’m sorry but the CT scan indicates that the cancer has spread to your lungs,” my supervising physician stated. A thickness began building at the back of my throat as I struggled to suppress my tears. I pondered what this poor woman must be thinking - her dreams, her life, her time with her children - all facing an unwelcome deadline. The gravity of her situation dissolved my petty worries and placed life in perspective. This was the beginning of the life-altering medical program that confirmed (or directed) my vocational passion.
In my studies of biology, I found myself captivated by the phenomena of the human body. Learning about the beauty and intricacy of human life was what I considered my reward for slogging through linear equations and compound sentences. I later discovered a five- week, summer medical program, a perfect opportunity to bring my biology textbook to life.
Medical camp offered a glimpse into the magnificent (exciting and diverse) world of health-care. The program consisted of daily lectures and shadowing physicians from various specialities, including: pathology, anesthesiology, orthopedics, urology, otolaryngology, surgery and emergency medcine. I was enthralled observing the surgeon perfom a life-saving operation without a single tremor of the hand, the eyes of the pathologist examining tissue under the microscope for any abnormalities, the fingers of the trauma physician intricately dancing together with each stitch. I welcomed the ringing of my alarm clock at 5 o’clock in the morning, as it marked the beginning of a day full of exciting learning opportunities and adventures.
The pungency of death and disease overcame me in the surgical-trauma ICU. An eeriness wafted through the air, as the sound of heart-rate monitors and ventilators echoed through the hallway. I surveyed room 106, unbeknownst of what I was about to encounter. The pale, frail body of a motocycle accident victim laid lifelessly upon the bed. A woman stood beside the body, glancing up in apprehension of the prognosis of her son when we entered the room. The look on the distraught mother’s face has always stayed with me. It was her faint smile and glazed, teary eyes that taught me the most valuable lesson: my future education is not only for my benefit, but for the well-being of others. I will educate myself so I can serve (care for) patients like Ms. Sanchez and this woman’s son to the very best of my ability.<br>
While, shadowing the doctors focused my future on medicine, it was shadowing a nurse anesthetist that defined exactly what I wanted my future to be. For some, hospitals breed unease and fear, but listening to this extraordinary woman soothe a fearful patient with the balm of her kind words and the tender squeeze of her hand, put me at ease, and I was not even the patient. It is my sincerest hope, with the help of your program and a lot of hard work (immense diligence), that someday this woman could be me.</p>

<p>By the way, the writing prompt is: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.</p>

<p>I really liked it i thought that the beginning was especially a nice read it really captured my attention.</p>