<p>When I was 8th grade, I first stood in front of hundreds of people of Florence Baptist Temple. Of course, I wasn't by myself but with my comrades, my youth choir members. Since I never had experienced something like this, I was startled at first. However, as I become familiar with the atmosphere, mixture of excitement and anxiety, of the sanctuary, I learn how to face my apprehension. Yet, overcoming my fear isn't the only requirement that I have to possess. Every Wednesday night, about eighty youths gather in the sanctuary. I, a veteran and rising senior, have to lead them to sing and to follow instructions. But in order to lead, I had to develop a friendly relationships. After all, it is amazing to see how the choir transforms from individuals to a whole during performance. Finally hearing all the contagious applauses, I feel bliss that I love the most. </p>
<p>The flow of the words and sentences seems choppy to me. But I’m in no position to judge and correct your mistakes, as I myself am also having difficulty conveying my ‘unique’ extracurricular to the adcoms. :)</p>
<p>Since I never had experienced something like this, I was startled at first.
Something like what? describe how you felt and what this meant to you.
get more of a hook with the openner.</p>
<p>But in order to lead, I had to develop a friendly relationships.
change to:
But in order to lead, I had to develop friendly relationships.
proof read whatever you write before you send it.</p>
<p>Make the reader feel what you’re saying. In all honesty, it doesn’t grab my attention and doesn’t make me care. These feelings could apply to a mixture of other applicants: an NHS officer, a camp counselor, a kid at his first job. You have to step outside of the cliche. Hope that helps :)</p>